Weight Loss Jokes

Work your abdominals with our funny weight loss jokes.

Losing weight is hard, but we’re here to help. These weight loss jokes will have you laughing so hard that you might even burn a few calories. To burn a few more, check out our collection of diet jokes.

Dryer Fitbit

I discovered a shortcut today. If you put your Fitbit in the dryer, you can get a head start on your steps. I had 3,800 steps in before I put...

Off-Color Eaters

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there.

Nationwide Eating Plan

"I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories."—@sbellelauren

Nacho Normal Diet

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

Sugar Free

Q. What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? A. A desserter.  

Same Difference

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza. I ate a pizza.

The Circle of Life

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years. Meanwhile...

Trust the Experts

Q: What do you call a non-amateur live bacteria? A: A Pro-Biotic -By Sam Benson Smith-

The Hole Truth

I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was, "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me."

The Night’s Still Young

I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have any more food. I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment.

Side Effects

I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

Heavy Lifting

Ladies – want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of your purse.

The Bag is Half Full

All my life I thought air was free… until I bought a bag of chips.

Stuff of Legends

Q: What do you call an American folk hero who starts a weight loss trend? A: Johnny Applecidervinegar. -By Sam Benson Smith-

The New Frontier

When someone tells me I gained weight, I just say I’m in the process of westward expansion.

It’s Greek to Me

Q: What was the terracotta figurine’s favorite superfood? A: Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Seeds. -By Sam Benson Smith-

Any Volunteers?

I don't need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy foods out of my hand.

Empty Words

"Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up," said no one ever.

History Lesson

Q: What was the most popular weight-loss trend in the Holy Roman Empire? A: The Diet of Worms. -By Sam Benson Smith-

And He Just Keeps Going

Q: How does the Energizer bunny stay in shape? A: The Alkaline diet. -By Sam Benson Smith-

Cutting Back on Dessert

Today I bought a cupcake without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.

A Balanced Diet

Nutritionist: You should eat 1,200 calories a day. Me: OK, and how many a night?

Priorities

I wanted to work out...but then I wanted to not work out even more.

Know Thyself

I never thought I'd be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.

Baby Steps

I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it's not there to tempt me anymore.

Trouble in Paradise

My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.

It’s Going Swimmingly

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Funny How That Happens

I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 9 cookies.

Workout of Champions

Q: What’s your favorite exercise? A: Chewing.

At a Loss

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

Kick the Habit

It took a lot of willpower. But I finally gave up dieting.

Fire Hazard

I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

That’s How It Works, Right?

Don’t forget, you are what you eat…. I need to eat a skinny person.

Illuminate Me

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?