Q: What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? A: Plane Chocolate
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Q. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? A. Mini-soda!
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A: A stamp.
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I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
Q: Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? A: Because it was overbooked.
Q: What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves? A: The road!
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my satnav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!
Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds....
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. Jimmy Kimmel
Here’s a guide to American culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: “Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly...
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out. Lew Schneider
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the...
A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. Comedian Rich Hall
As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel. “Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s my suitcase.” The man shot back defensively,...
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them. Demetri Martin
L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane...
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the...
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the...
#UnlikelySequels: Titanic 2 @davidschneider #failedchildrensbooktitles: The Very Hungry Tape Worm @Made_Dad #nicerfilmtitles: Snacks on a Plane @elfiem
A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the...
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent. “I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.”...
On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have...
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate....
I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson...