Daily Life Jokes

Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth-grade math quiz.” —Susan Freeman

“I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” —Jean Kerr, author

An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. “Is this the salon near the fire station?” she asked. “No, this is the fire station.” “Oh! Are you cutting hair in there now?” —Karen Strand

On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. I needn’t have worried. He saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. When he arrived, I checked my texts. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” —Michelle Steinmetz

After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.” —Dean Simpson

Our boatswain's mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an expensive lighter from his pocket. With great fanfare, he flipped open the top, flicked the spark wheel, lit his cigarette ... then chucked the lighter overboard. —Bob McCord

Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, my husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?” I smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?” —Julie Echelmeier

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen. Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. “I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!” —Thomas Hassmann 

My husband and his sister are notorious yakkers. They can hold court on any subject. One day, he called her. All he had to say was “Hi,” and that launched her into a marathon session, going on about this, that, and the other. When she finally paused to come up for air, she had one question: “Who am I talking to?” —Christine Hohman 

Our company gives out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. All they have to do is stop by the plant to pick them up. A few days before the holiday, a retiree called to ask, “What time do the turkeys get in?” The receptionist, without thinking, responded, “Everyone starts at eight.” —Ed Robinson

Bouncer: “Sorry, I need to see an ID.” Girl: “I told you I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”

I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online. —Kumail Nanjiani, comedian

People say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works. —Hannibal Buress, comedian

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings. Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac. Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all the symptoms.

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn't stop at the stop sign. "It's the same thing," the lawyer stated, "I don't believe there is a difference between stop and slow down." "Allow me to prove it to you," the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton. After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him, "Now do you want me to stop, or slow down?"

I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. On one particularly hectic day, a tenant came in to pay her rent. Frazzled, I said, “Ever have one of those days when you feel everyone is out to get you?” She smiled and replied, “I take medication for that.”

To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.

Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat down, gave them each a menu and a glass of water, and asked, “Would you care for anything else?”

A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, "What do you think is your biggest weakness?" The man thinks for a moment, then says, "I think my biggest weakness is my brutal honesty." The interviewer says, "I don't think that's a weakness." The man then says, "I don't give a #%^& what you think!"

As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?” “Yes,” I answered. “Maybe I have that.” I shook my head. “No. He’s afraid to leave the house. You just like to stay home.”

Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk? One said to the other, "You're fine, How am I?"

I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.  

A fellow commuter walked onto the train while talking on the phone to his mother. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t having it. I say that because the man finally declared in a loud, exasperated voice, “No, I don’t want to talk to the dog!”

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal. “Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!” “Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Sunday.”

My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, "Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it! I can never remember that word."

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."—Judy Franconi

Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

One night as I was putting my 
2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, 
I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”

“God,” came her reply. “And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.” I continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally I asked, “Who made Daddy?” She said, “Grandma.”

My sister Jordan was helping my 21/2-year-old niece Berea put on her sweatshirt when Berea’s head got stuck on the neck hole.

Berea started panicking and saying, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” The shirt quickly slipped over her head, and the panic was gone until her arms got stuck 
on the tight cuffs. The panic returned, and she started crying again. “My fingers can’t see! My fingers can’t see!” she said. It was all we could do not to laugh as Jordan quickly pulled Berea’s arms through the cuffs.

My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are. Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it. Me: What is a vowel? Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh … Me: Close enough. —by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter  

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

Baseball bat: a wooden or 
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands. Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit! Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight. Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder. Fly ball: when the sun drops 
a boulder on your head. Shortstop: a position that 
involves mostly ground balls 
and that you think maybe you can play. Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop. Innings: the amount of time 
left before afternoon snack, 
divided by nine. Marc Philippe Eskenazi, 
in the New Yorker

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.” Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California

We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure. Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren. d. r., via mail

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.” Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum. Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again. No worries.     =     You really messed up this time. Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me. Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself! Source: thecooperreview.com

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?” @KarenKilgariff

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions. @SCbchbum (Erica)

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen. The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at 
a rummage sale. It’s a pooper-scooper. Patty Brozo, Green Valley, Arizona

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!” Source: thestir.cafemom.com

This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine. @RobinMcCauley

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

[email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread. Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom. Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”  Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas

Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time? It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.” Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.” Betty Tenney, Sterling Heights, Michigan

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. @RandiLawson

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark. Paul Neelon, Pembroke, Massachusetts

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Nice swords.” Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there. Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?” “Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.” Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” G. M., via e-mail

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who built the English Channel?” • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley 
Temple doll and a teddy bear.” • “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.” ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.” Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.” Source: honestslogans.com

Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked. I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.” “OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?” Aimee Prawitz, Sycamore, Illinois