Daily Life Jokes

I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.

A fellow commuter walked onto the train while talking on the phone to his mother. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t having it. I say that because the man finally declared in a loud, exasperated voice, “No, I don’t want to talk to the dog!”

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.
“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned.

“What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

“I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.”—Judy Franconi

Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

One night as I was putting my 2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”

“God,” came her reply.
“And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.”
I continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally I asked, “Who made Daddy?”
She said, “Grandma.”

My sister Jordan was helping my 21/2-year-old niece Berea put on her sweatshirt when Berea’s head got stuck on the neck hole.

Berea started panicking and saying, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” The shirt quickly slipped over her head, and the panic was gone until her arms got stuck on the tight cuffs.
The panic returned, and she started crying again. “My fingers can’t see! My fingers can’t see!” she said.
It was all we could do not to laugh as Jordan quickly pulled Berea’s arms through the cuffs.

My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

—by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

Recording on an Australian tax help line

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

Baseball bat: a wooden or metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.

Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!

Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.

Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.

Fly ball: when the sun drops a boulder on your head.

Shortstop: a position that involves mostly ground balls and that you think maybe you can play.

Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.

Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine.

Marc Philippe Eskenazi, in the New Yorker

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California

We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.

Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.

d. r., via mail

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

@ElizaBayne

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.

Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

Source: thecooperreview.com

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.

@LizHackett

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”

@KarenKilgariff

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

@SCbchbum (Erica)

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

Patty Brozo, Green Valley, Arizona

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”

Source: thestir.cafemom.com

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

@RobinMcCauley

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

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Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?

Friend: You ordered a BLT.

Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.

Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.

Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”

 Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”

Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”

Betty Tenney, Sterling Heights, Michigan

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.

@RandiLawson

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

Paul Neelon, Pembroke, Massachusetts

The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this appended to his note: “Nice swords.”

Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re Better Than Me

I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”

Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”

G. M., via e-mail

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”

Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”

CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”

Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”

ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”

Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”

Source: honestslogans.com

Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

Humorist Reid Kerr

Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”

Aimee Prawitz, Sycamore, Illinois

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

From gcfl.net

I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.

@JoshGondelman

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.

@michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

Demetri Martin

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

Harry Hill

I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

@damienfahey

Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:

A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody’s yard.

A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German.

A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.

A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.

Roz Warren, from womensvoicesforchange.org

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”

“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”

After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”

“Yes, I did.”

The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.

From gcfl.net

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …

… to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.

… to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.

… to be a Nobel Prize winner.

… to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.

… he was fired “on accident.”

From careerbuilder.com

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design.

Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?

Me: Oh, very easy.

Friend: He doesn’t mean to make a Facebook profile. He means to remake all of Facebook.

Me: Oh. Very hard.

Father: Oh, OK.

From clientsfromhell.net

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”

John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text.

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

Source: viralthread.com

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?”

@SethMacFarlane

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:

Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread

Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!

Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/

Source: Twitter

Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.

@Leemanish

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

@PaulyPeligroso

If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.

@jakeandamir (Amir Blumenfeld)

Triscuit is the perfect combination of cracker and doormat.

@1CarParade (Jason Gelles)

Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?”

@JulieKlausner

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

Maria Bamford