Daily Life Jokes

“I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.”—Judy Franconi

Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A: A desserter.

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

One night as I was putting my 
2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, 
I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?” “God,” came her reply. “And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.” I continued with […]

My sister Jordan was helping my 21/2-year-old niece Berea put on her sweatshirt when Berea’s head got stuck on the neck hole. Berea started panicking and saying, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” The shirt quickly slipped over her head, and the panic was gone until her arms got stuck 
on the tight cuffs. The […]

My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are. Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it. Me: What is […]

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

Baseball bat: a wooden or 
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands. Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit! Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight. Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until […]

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, 
I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, […]

We were tearing down an 
old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure. Six months later, she invited me 
to her home. There she showed 
off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, 
three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren. d. r., […]

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.” Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum. Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again. No worries.     =     You really […]

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?” @KarenKilgariff

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions. @SCbchbum (Erica)

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen. The mystery of the […]

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!” Source: […]

This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine. @RobinMcCauley

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

[email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread. Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 
32 plastic feet […]

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”  Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.” Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three […]

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. @RandiLawson

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark. Paul Neelon, Pembroke, Massachusetts

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Nice swords.” Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there. Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you […]

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” G. M., via e-mail

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who built the English Channel?” • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between […]

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.” ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.” Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.” Source: honestslogans.com

Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr