Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, my husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?” I smiled lovingly and replied,...
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I Bought Two
It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen. Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into...
Who Is This?
My husband and his sister are notorious yakkers. They can hold court on any subject. One day, he called her. All he had to say was “Hi,” and that launched...
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Starts at 8
Our company gives out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. All they have to do is stop by the plant to pick them up. A few days before the holiday, a...
Wouldn’t Lie About Being 30
Bouncer: “Sorry, I need to see an ID.” Girl: “I told you I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”
Ordering Online
I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online. —Kumail Nanjiani, comedian
One Day at a Time
People say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works. —Hannibal Buress, comedian
No Feelings
Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!
All the Symptoms
Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac. Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all...
Stop or Slow Down
A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over...
Medication for That
I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. On one particularly hectic day, a tenant came in to pay her rent....
Stole My Happiness
To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.
See You Later, Dreams
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Meaning of Dog
Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.
Dessert Before Dinner
Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat...
Brutally Honest
A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, “What do you think is your biggest weakness?” The man thinks for a moment, then says,...
Love Staying Home
As we watched a program about a man with agoraphobia, my wife asked, “Is that a disability?” “Yes,” I answered. “Maybe I have that.” I shook my head. “No. He’s...
How am I?
Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk? One said to the other, "You're fine, How am I?"
Learn to Reduce Clutter
I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.
Don’t Put Fido On
A fellow commuter walked onto the train while talking on the phone to his mother. From what I could glean, he was trying to end the conversation, but she wasn’t...
Following a Friend
Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up....
The Other Word for Aspirin
My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, "Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it! I can never remember that word."
Cable Appointment
The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.
Hot New Diet
"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."—Judy Franconi
Sugar-Free
Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
Learning About Letters
“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
Creation Story
One night as I was putting my
2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed,
I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a...
Fashion Freak-out
My sister Jordan was helping my 21/2-year-old niece Berea put on her sweatshirt when Berea’s head got stuck on the neck hole. Berea started panicking and saying, “I can’t see!...
Driver’s Education
My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good...
Life With A Blonde Teenager…
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a...
Repeat That, Mate?
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line
Steven Wright on Language Tapes
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright
The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary
Baseball bat: a wooden or
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands. Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit! Babe Ruth:...
A Fly-Killer’s Pickle
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated...
A Place Where Grandkids Belong
We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure. Six months later, she invited me...
Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne
Modeled On Confusion
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said....
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best. = ...
Liz Hackett On What The ’80s Taught Her
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett
Karen Kilgariff On The Walking Dead
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?” @KarenKilgariff
The Problem With Scooby-Doo
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions. @SCbchbum (Erica)
The Mystery Kitchen Utensil…
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I...
Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
Making Amends With The IRS
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a...
For Mother’s Day: My Mom Taught Me …
Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come...
Robin McCauley on Wine
This may be the wine talking,
but I really, really, really, really love wine. @RobinMcCauley
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Don’t step on the clean floor…
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor… A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he...
E-mail Addresses It Would Be Annoying To Give Out Loud
[email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net
Overheard At Our Diner…
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread. Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania
No Such Thing As A Free Yacht
A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my...
Time Zones Are Hard.
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back
in 20 minutes. The woman asked,
“Is that 20 minutes...
Insult or Compliment?
Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time? It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my...
One Reason To Buy A Painting
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine....
A Real Gut-Buster
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only...
#ReadingGoals
Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. @RandiLawson
Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the...
My Sword of Employer
The black lacquer stand
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the...
Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage
I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane,
from You’re...
My Kids Don’t Know What I Do
I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day,...
Married To The Job
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by...
Weird Questions Librarians Hear…
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who...
Honest Brand Slogans
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by
a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette:...
Bullseye
Don’t get upset if I ask you
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr
No Dumb Questions (Except This One)
Just before the final exam in
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade
I would need to get on the exam
to...
You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly
A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained...
A Classic Conundrum
I’m trying to get into classical
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
A Few Grams More
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman
When Relatives Attack
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
Reading The Fifth
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin
Why You Should Make Love Once A Year
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people...
A Light-bulb Moment
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill
The Paradox of Grown-Ups
I spend three minutes every
day choosing a TV channel
to leave on for my dog. Then
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey