Daily Life Jokes

“I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.”—Judy Franconi

Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin  A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

One night as I was putting my 
2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, 
I saw a bright full moon in the sky. I let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”

“God,” came her reply.
“And the stars?” I asked. Again the answer was, “God.”
I continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally I asked, “Who made Daddy?”
She said, “Grandma.”

My sister Jordan was helping my 21/2-year-old niece Berea put on her sweatshirt when Berea’s head got stuck on the neck hole.

Berea started panicking and saying, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” The shirt quickly slipped over her head, and the panic was gone until her arms got stuck 
on the tight cuffs.
The panic returned, and she started crying again. “My fingers can’t see! My fingers can’t see!” she said.
It was all we could do not to laugh as Jordan quickly pulled Berea’s arms through the cuffs.

My niece Katrina tailgates other cars and it makes me nervous. I just can’t get it through her head that she does this and that it’s very dangerous. One good thing is that I sometimes find myself drawing closer to the Lord when I ride with her.

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

—by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

Recording on an Australian tax help line

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Steven Wright

Baseball bat: a wooden or 
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.

Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!

Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.

Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.

Fly ball: when the sun drops 
a boulder on your head.

Shortstop: a position that 
involves mostly ground balls 
and that you think maybe you can play.

Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.

Innings: the amount of time 
left before afternoon snack, 
divided by nine.

Marc Philippe Eskenazi, 
in the New Yorker

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California

We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.

Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.

d. r., via mail

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

@ElizaBayne

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.

Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

Source: thecooperreview.com

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.

@LizHackett

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”

@KarenKilgariff

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

@SCbchbum (Erica)

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at 
a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

Patty Brozo, Green Valley, Arizona