Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.

Q: Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail? A: She stole his heart.

I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Q: What do single people call Valentine's Day? A: Happy Independence Day

Q: What did the painter say to her boyfriend? A: "I love you with all my art!"

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? A: Hogs and kisses!

Q: Why did the God of Love become a blackjack dealer? A: Because he was always great at the Cupid Shuffle.

Don’t forget, you are what you eat…. I need to eat a skinny person.

Q: What was the thunder cloud’s favorite gift to give on Valentine’s Day? A: A Box of Shocklates.

Q: What did the valentine's day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you'll go places

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

Q: What’s Homer Simpson’s least favorite style of beer? A: Flanders Red Ale.  

Q: What’s a shepherd’s favorite style of beer? A: Lambic.  

Q: What’s a composer’s favorite style of beer? A: Bock.  

Q: What’s a pharmacist’s favorite style of beer? A: Pilsner. -By Sam Benson Smith-

Joe always went to his local barber for a monthly shave and haircut. But one day the barber was ill. So the barber’s wife, Grace, took over. Joe noticed over subsequent weeks that his hair was not growing. The barber, an evangelical Christian, explained the mystery. “When you’re shaved by Grace,” he said, “you’re once shaved, always shaved.”  

The fourth birthday of my 3-year-old daughter, Amanda, was approaching. I reminded her that the day was on its way. After a couple of weeks, Amanda became exasperated, stomped her foot and with her hands on her hips asked, “Well, is it coming in the front door or the back door?”  

One day, my 4-year-old grandson, Maverick, was playing on the floor and asked me to come sit and play with him. I told him to give me a minute because I had something on my mind and was thinking. He said, “Well, Nana, just bring your thoughts to the floor with me and play!”  

My 2-year-old niece, Sienna, lives in Asia. While her family was visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Florida, she asked her mother if she could play with Play-doh. Her mother said the Play-doh was back at their house. Sienna looked puzzled and replied, “But where did the house go?”  

In my youth, I delivered the Coeur d’Alene Press in a rural area. Back in the ’50s, there were no leash laws in Idaho, and many dogs were on the loose along my paper route. When they threatened me, I reached down and pretended to pick up a rock. I can’t recall ever having to throw one—the dogs would just run away. Later in life, my job took me to Tampa, Florida. My wife and I, along with our faithful Lab, Tonga, would take walks in our neighborhood. One morning, a very aggressive dog started bothering us. I tried my old pretending trick, but the dog did not move. I realized it was not afraid because there are no rocks in Florida, just sand!  

My 6-year-old grandson, William, loves trains. One day I was asking him the names of different parts of an old steam engine. He told me, “That’s a cowcatcher,” and I asked him what it was used for. He said, “It’s to catch cows and scoot them off the tracks so Grandpa doesn’t have to chase them away.”

I took our 4-year-old granddaughter, Halle, to the corral on pregnancy testing day to watch as the veterinarian did ultrasounds on our cows. After a positive test, the vet shouted out, “Call it good!” I explained to Halle this meant there was a baby in the cow’s tummy. She replied, “I don’t want to call the baby Good; I want to call it Queen Elsa.”

The first time my husband and I took our 3-year-old son to visit his grandma in Arkansas, he went with her to gather eggs. The next morning, he watched her fry some up for breakfast and put them on his plate. He looked at me and said in a serious tone, “Mama, these eggs came from chickens!”

My granddaughter was discussing the expected arrival of a new brother for her 4-year-old son, Matthew. She told Matthew that you can’t predict the exact date of birth. “You were expected on Aug. 19,” she said, “but arrived on Aug. 11.” Matthew thought for a moment and then said, “Oh! I’m so lucky I was born on my birthday!”

We were sitting at the table for a meal and my wife and sister were discussing recipes. When a dump cake was suggested, my 4-year-old daughter, Hannah, announced, “Yuck! That has trash in it!”

When my grandson, Jimmy, was 4 or 5, we asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. “I want to be a machine,” he said without hesitation. When we asked him why, he explained, “Well, you can replace the parts in a machine when they wear out.”

One night when my son Patrick was 2 years old, he looked up at a half moon and said, “Moon broken.” The next time there was  a full moon in the sky, he looked up and said, “Moon fixed now.”

Several years ago, our grandson Andrew slept at our house overnight. For breakfast I made pancakes, and I gave him one that was browner than the others. He told me he didn’t want that one because it was too ripe.

One day when my son David was 5 years old, he informed me that he no longer wanted to go to day care because the other kids were all babies. He said he was a big boy and could stay home alone while I worked. So I asked him, “Who will make your lunch? You can’t reach the stove.”

He quickly replied, “I’ll make a salad.”

My great-granddaughter Brylee was playing horse with her pappy one night. As she was sitting on his back, he asked her how old she was. Brylee said, “Pappy, you know I’m 3.”

“When will you be 4?” he asked. “When I get through being 3,” she explained.

When my daughter Mandy was 31/2, we went to visit my grandma in the nursing home. Mandy was trying to talk to a wheelchair-bound resident but was getting little response from her. So she decided to end the conversation by looking down at the wheelchair and exclaiming, “Nice wheels!”

Recently my wife and I were watching our grandsons, ages 3 and 4. The older boy, Owen, fell while he was playing and said, “I hurt my toe.” When I asked him which toe, he hesitated for a few seconds before replying, “the one that goes to market.”

I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.—@sbellelauren

My snack got lost in my purse, so I guess I’m on a diet now.—@msgweni

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”—@behindyourback

"If you lose weight when you stop drinking Diet Coke imagine how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting."—@JimGaffigan

My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?” —@KerryKatona7

It took a lot of will power. But I finally gave up dieting.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone. —"Laugh Yourself Healthy," by Charles Hunter

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That's why I can't lose weight.

My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.

Wouldn't it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?

Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.

Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.

What do you get when you put the right amount of meat and vegetables on a scale? A balanced meal.

It took a lot of willpower, but I finally gave up dieting.

How do most people curb their appetite? At the drive thru window.

If you are what you eat … I need to eat a skinny person.

"I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."—Judy Franconi

What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley

I'm not fat, but I'm not thin either. I'm at a point where you can definitely tell I like chocolate cake.

You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!

I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight. Apparently, he's trying to "Diet Hard."

My brain said "crunches" but my stomach auto-corrected it to "cupcakes."

You have a Slim-Fast for breakfast, a Slim-Fast for lunch; then, you eat a "sensible dinner." How sensible are you going to be after eating powder all day?

Why are most horses in shape? Because they are on a stable diet.

I have removed all the food from the house. It was delicious

What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? A desserter.

I finally heard some good news. I'm not overweight. I'm undertall. What a relief!

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

Trail mix is just an inconvenient way to eat M&Ms.

Diet tip: Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any.

The most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I'm like, "What are you doing here? You're done."

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

I'm going to open up a low carb bakery and I'm going to call it No Bun Intended.

When someone asks me if I quit my diet... not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.