Relationship Jokes

The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?”

My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.”

I said, “My truck.”

My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

She didn’t know I existed.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned.

I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?”

He said, “Is this her first child?”

I said, “No, this is her husband.”

My wife apologized for the first time ever today.

She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

February 14th.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…

You need to let that mango.

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough.

At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”