Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the...
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Next to Someone Different
Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”
Angry Girlfriend
A man came through my lane at the grocery store with a jug of wine and a bouquet of roses. But before paying, he set the two items aside and...
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Tom One and Two
Although I’d been dating a woman for several months, I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought. One day I called, and her ten-year-old son answered. “Hi,”...
Daughter-in-Law’s Husband
I’m lucky that my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When...
Old Fashioned
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned. I thought we had good alchemy.
The Easy Way Up
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator. I guess we are raised differently.
High Temperatures
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning.
The Car Got Us Here
The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?” My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.” I said, “My truck.”
Milking Time
My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son. She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Not Mutual
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels. She didn’t know I existed.
How the Tables Have Turned
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home the tables were turned.
Husband on the Phone
I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Is this her first child?” I said, “No, this is her...
Apology Not Accepted
My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she’s sorry she ever married me.
A Date Every Year
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. February 14th.
Cheap Spouse
My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life. I’m not buying it.
What She’s Always Wanted
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar… She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
Still a Kid
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think...
Bigger Frame
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter wide frame for our wedding photo. Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
Let Him Go
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes… You need to let that mango.
Bubbly Romance
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.
Snooping Spouse
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.
Video Game Relationship
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!” Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
New Outfit
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, “Wait, I can change.”
Twisting Words
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment…
Men Never Listen
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...
I Ship It
Q. What type of ship has two mates but no captain? A. A relationship.
Doesn’t Add Up
Q: How are relationships a lot like algebra?
A: Sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y. (Credit Southern Living)
Pretty or Ugly
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
Google it!
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Holiday Without Your Boyfriend
My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!
Breaking Up Others
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
Expensive Ring
Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.” Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying...
Pretty Ugly
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
Google Girl
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Letters Love
Wife: “How would you describe me?” Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” Wife: “What does that mean?” Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.” Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about...
Power Couple?
I invited my boyfriend to go to the gym with me, but he stood me up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
Friendly Competition…
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:
1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. @Ristolable
Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
Chemistry In The Soup Kitchen
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed
because the men...
Strapped For Cash
During college, I worked on
a conveyor belt. One day, I was
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a...
Bad Things to Tell Your Wife
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live
pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured...
Lying in Bed
I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.” “I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I...
Dating a Hoarder
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of. Sam Morril
Notable Never-isms
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for...
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Sock it to Me
On the first night of their
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to...
Confessions of a Military Wife
My husband is infantry, and
he said the most wonderful things
to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing...
This Classified ad Speaks Volumes:
“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.” Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida
It's A Small World…
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.” Brock Cohen
A Familiar Patient
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday
I broke that trust and had an...
My wife says I’m unsophisticated…
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.” Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com
Flower Therapy
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying. “Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was...
Gift of The Magi?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade...
Better Late Than Never
After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then...
The Trouble With Dating
Dating is complicated. You don’t believe us? Here are some examples: Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook. I...
Family Matters
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend. “Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like...
Conference Call
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During...
A Beautiful Friendship
I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he...
Dress to Impress
My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short...
Hairy Situation
I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and...