I invited my boyfriend to go to the gym with me, but he stood me up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut
I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”
“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.
“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”
From @ab1kenobe on reddit.com
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
Submitted by Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California
My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him:
• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.
• I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free.
• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
Mollie Gross (molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
Submitted by Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York
Dating is complicated. You don’t believe us? Here are some examples:
Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook.
I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep.
My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through.
I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He was like, "Hello?" I said, "Hey, friend, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"
My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl’s side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way.
“Yes,” said my boyfriend sternly, “and I said something about it, didn’t I?”
Everyone looked at me. “Yeah,” I replied. “You said, ‘What’s your phone number?'”
I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend’s long, curly locks.
“Do you have to do that here?” the embarrassed mother asked.
“I’m not doing anything, Mom,” came her son’s muffled voice. “My earring’s caught in her hair.”