Relationship Jokes

Although I’d been dating a woman for several months, I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought. One day I called, and her ten-year-old son answered.

“Hi,” I said. “It’s Tom. Can I speak with your mom?”

He responded, “Are you Tom One or Tom Two?”

Needless to say, his mother is now down to one Tom.

I’m lucky that my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When the doctor came into the room, my own dear mother introduced me as her “daughter-in-law’s husband.”

My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.

My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?”

My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.”

I said, “My truck.”

My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

She didn’t know I existed.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned.

I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?”

He said, “Is this her first child?”

I said, “No, this is her husband.”

My wife apologized for the first time ever today.

She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

February 14th.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…

You need to let that mango.

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough.

At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment…

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that…

Q. What type of ship has two mates but no captain?

A. A relationship.

Q: How are relationships a lot like algebra?
A: Sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.

(Credit Southern Living)

Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Boyfriend: “You’re both.”
Girlfriend: “What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered, it wasn’t mine.

Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”

Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Boyfriend: “You’re both.”
Girlfriend: “What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

I invited my boyfriend to go to the gym with me, but he stood me up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

1. Nice shirt.

2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

3. OK, first shirt again.

4. He has two shirts.

@Ristolable

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.

With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”

Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”

“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.

“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”

From @ab1kenobe on reddit.com

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.

Sam Morril

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry

• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin Crisp

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

Submitted by Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California

My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him:

• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.

• I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free.

• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.

Mollie Gross (molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.

“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”

Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida

I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
Brock Cohen

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

Submitted by Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”

Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com

“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.

“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”

Art Flagel, Benton Harbor, Michigan

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

Anthony Jeselnik

After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?”

Dating is complicated. You don’t believe us? Here are some examples:

Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook.

I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep.

My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through.

I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.

“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”

“What happened?”

“My father couldn’t stand her.”

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He was like, "Hello?" I said, "Hey, friend, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"

My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl’s side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way.

“Yes,” said my boyfriend sternly, “and I said something about it, didn’t I?”

Everyone looked at me. “Yeah,” I replied. “You said, ‘What’s your phone number?'”

I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend’s long, curly locks.

“Do you have to do that here?” the embarrassed mother asked.

“I’m not doing anything, Mom,” came her son’s muffled voice. “My earring’s caught in her hair.”