The only difference in my life when I'm on a diet is instead of saying "I ate nachos," I say "I accidentally ate nachos."
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
This Diet’s Just Not Working
I know it's three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I know it's three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Sales Binge
Why spend $80 on a swimsuit when you can buy 320 chicken nuggets.
Why spend $80 on a swimsuit when you can buy 320 chicken nuggets.
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It’s a Love/Hate Relationship
I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.
I wish I hated pizza as much as pizza hates me.
Friends From Afar
Q: Have you heard of the garlic diet?
A: You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Q: Have you heard of the garlic diet?
A: You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Dear Diet…
Things just aren't going to work out between us. It's not you, it's me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can't stop cheating on you.
Things just aren't going to work out between us. It's not you, it's me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can't stop cheating on you.
The Second Day Is Always the Hardest
I'm on day 2 of a "diet" which means I'm always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.
I'm on day 2 of a "diet" which means I'm always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.
Stages of Dieting
1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon
1. Read about new diet
2. Spend $300 on vegetables
3. Commit publicly to diet on FB
4. Dive head first into plate of bacon
The Best Diet Plans…
Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.
Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.
Sorry to Eat and Run
Q: What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter.
Q: What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A salad shooter.
Snacking Dilemma
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
Mission Impossible
Every time I start a diet I hear the Mission Impossible theme song in my head.
Every time I start a diet I hear the Mission Impossible theme song in my head.
Salad: A Dieting Staple
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
Nothing to See Here
Q: How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
A: One if nobody's looking.
Q: How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
A: One if nobody's looking.
Losing Everything but the Weight
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and my mind.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, temper, and my mind.
Taste the Rainbow
Nutrition question: How many Skittles equal one serving of fruit?
Nutrition question: How many Skittles equal one serving of fruit?
Apocalyptic
Q: What do vegan zombies eat?
A: GggRrrAaaIiiNnSsss!
Q: What do vegan zombies eat?
A: GggRrrAaaIiiNnSsss!
A serious medical condition
It's hard to lose weight when you have an overactive knife and fork.
It's hard to lose weight when you have an overactive knife and fork.
Christmas Reads
Q: What are the best books to read during the holidays?
A: The Lord of the Five Golden Rings
No Country for Old Menorahs
For Whom the Jingle Bells Toll
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret Santas
Frankincense and Sensibility
Q: What are the best books to read during the holidays? A: The Lord of the Five Golden Rings No Country for Old Menorahs For Whom the Jingle Bells Toll Harry...
Fondue for You
Q: When should you go on a cheese diet?
A: If you need to cheddar few pounds.
Q: When should you go on a cheese diet?
A: If you need to cheddar few pounds.
Sugar-Free
Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
Q: What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
I’ll Take Two
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A beer in each hand.
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A beer in each hand.
Reindeer Spotting
Q: Where do you find reindeer?
A: It depends on where you leave them!
Q: Where do you find reindeer?
A: It depends on where you leave them!
Christmas Tree Songs
Q: Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
A: Spruce Springsteen
Q: Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
A: Spruce Springsteen
Time to Eat
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: He went back four seconds.
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: He went back four seconds.
Twelve Days of Christmas Mayhem
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Santa Snacks
Q: What’s Santa’s favorite snack food?
A: Crisp Pringles.
Q: What’s Santa’s favorite snack food?
A: Crisp Pringles.
Christmas Alphabet
Q: How is the alphabet different on Christmas than any other day?
A: On Christmas, it has Noel.
Q: How is the alphabet different on Christmas than any other day?
A: On Christmas, it has Noel.
You Are What You Eat
D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?
D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?
Bad Grades for Rudolph
Q: "Why didn't Rudolph get a good report card?"
A: "Because he went down in History."
Q: "Why didn't Rudolph get a good report card?"
A: "Because he went down in History."
Snowman Senses
Two snowmen were standing in a field, and one said to the other
'Can you smell carrot?'
The second replied, 'No, but I can taste coal.'
Two snowmen were standing in a field, and one said to the other
'Can you smell carrot?'
The second replied, 'No, but I can taste coal.'
No Animal Testing
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn't been tested on mice.
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn't been tested on mice.
Catching Snowflakes
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Attempted Atheist
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up ... they have no holidays.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up ... they have no holidays.
Read the Label
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.
Dancing Snowmen
Q: Where Do Snowmen Go To Dance?
A: To snowballs!
Q: Where Do Snowmen Go To Dance?
A: To snowballs!
Elf Birthday
Q: What Do You Sing At An Elf's Birthday Party?
A: Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: What Do You Sing At An Elf's Birthday Party?
A: Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow!
It’s Gluten-y Good
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan!
Snowmen Greetings
Q: How Do Abomibable Snowmen Greet Each Other?
A: Ice to see you!
Q: How Do Abomibable Snowmen Greet Each Other?
A: Ice to see you!
Frosty’s Cow
Q: What Did Frosty Call His Cow?
A: Eskimoo!
Q: What Did Frosty Call His Cow?
A: Eskimoo!
Snowman Breakfast
Q: What's A Snowman's Favorite Breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What's A Snowman's Favorite Breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Caveman Diet
Q: How many carnivores does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to stay in the dark!
Q: How many carnivores does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to stay in the dark!
Elf Cars
Q: What cars do elves drive?
A: A toyYoda.
Q: What cars do elves drive?
A: A toyYoda.
Scrooge Touchdown
Q: How did Scrooge win the football game?
A: The ghost of Christmas passed
Q: How did Scrooge win the football game?
A: The ghost of Christmas passed
I Have No Beef With You
Q: What do you call a dumb omnivore?
A: A meathead!
Q: What do you call a dumb omnivore?
A: A meathead!
Santa’s Helpers
Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Santa Speak
Q: What is Santa’s primary language?
A: North Polish.
Q: What is Santa’s primary language?
A: North Polish.
Reindeer Jokes
Q: What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?
A: This will sleigh you
Q: What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?
A: This will sleigh you
Thankful Milk
Q: What does lactose free milk wish to the world?
A: Soy to the world
Q: What does lactose free milk wish to the world?
A: Soy to the world
Christmas Wedding
Q: Why did they couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
A: So they could have a married Christmas
Q: Why did they couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
A: So they could have a married Christmas
Now Minerals Feel Left Out
I'm not vegetarian because I love animals. I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.
I'm not vegetarian because I love animals. I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.
Car Jack
Q: How do you lift a frozen car?
A: With a Jack Frost
Q: How do you lift a frozen car?
A: With a Jack Frost
Poor Holiday
Q: Which holiday mascot has the least spare change?
A: St. Nickel-less
Q: Which holiday mascot has the least spare change?
A: St. Nickel-less
Holiday Math
Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?
A: You take the yule log
Q: How do you find the value of taking Yule the the xth power?
A: You take the yule log
Can’t Catch a Break
Q: What is the Native American word for vegetarian?
A: "Poor hunter!"
Q: What is the Native American word for vegetarian?
A: "Poor hunter!"
Pie Eaters
Q: If they hold a pie eating contest this holiday season, which song will they sing?
A: Oh, Come all ye facefuls.
Q: If they hold a pie eating contest this holiday season, which song will they sing?
A: Oh, Come all ye facefuls.
You Can’t Forget That Face
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.
Too Much Drinking
On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
TV Reading
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
Lottery Winner
Q: What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
A: Welfy
Q: What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
A: Welfy
Walking Snowman
Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?
A: Snow-mobile
Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk?
A: Snow-mobile
Protein Plus
Q: How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, but where do you get your protein!?
Q: How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, but where do you get your protein!?
Failed Snowman Marriage
Q: Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
A: His wife was a total flake
Q: Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
A: His wife was a total flake
Addicted to Christmas
Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A; He was hooked on trees his whole life
Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A; He was hooked on trees his whole life
File This Under Second Thoughts
“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”
“Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.”
NYE Date
Q: What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?
A: Social Security
Q: What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?
A: Social Security
High Definition
My New Years resolution is 1080p
My New Years resolution is 1080p
New Year’s Resolutions
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Sad Snowman
Q: Why was the snowman sad?
A: Cause he had a meltdown.
Q: Why was the snowman sad?
A: Cause he had a meltdown.
Christmas Lights
Q: How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas?
A: The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Q: How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas?
A: The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Rude Reindeer
Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
A: RUDEolph.
Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
A: RUDEolph.
Past Christmas’
Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
A: Because the present's beneath them.
Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
A: Because the present's beneath them.
Singing Elf
Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: A wrapper!
Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: A wrapper!
