Q: What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas? A: A rebel without a Claus.

Q: How are a turkey, a donkey, and a monkey alike? A: They all have keys.

Q: How does Santa sing the alphabet? A: A B C D E F G... H I J K L M N Oh!, Oh!, Oh!, P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? A: The outside!

Q: What do turkeys like to do on sunny days? A: Have peck-nics!  

Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs? A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.

Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? A: Nothing, it was on the house!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.

You know you're texting too much when... You type ppl instead of people in a letter.

You know you're texting too much when... ...you try to text, but you're on a landline.

You know you're texting too much when... ...you're happy when you get stopped at a red light.

You know you're texting too much when... ...you say LOL in real life, instead of just laughing.  

Q: Why did Santa get a parking ticket last Christmas Eve? A: He was making a special delivery and left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.

Q: Why did the turkey refuse dessert? A: He was stuffed.  

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.

What is Forrest Gump's email password? 1Forrest1

Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? A: They're always raisinet.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves!

Who was Socrates’ worst student? Mediocrities. Who was his busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato

Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she’d dye.

Q: Did you hear the one about the greedy peanut butter? A: I'm not telling you. You might spread it.

Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm? A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese!

Q: Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: Because he was on a roll.

Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym? A: To get better buns.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Did you hear about the boy who tried to catch fog? He mist.

What did the beach say as the tide came in? Long time, no sea.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? A: Pumpkin pi

“How is your long distance relationship going?” – “So far, so good.”

Q: Why did the apricot ask a prune to dinner? A: Because he couldn't find a date.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

Q. What do clouds do when they become rich? A. They make it rain!

The skeleton decided to bone up on the facts for the big exam.

The thing I don’t like about shopping centers… When you see one, you’ve seen a mall.

We really need to stop talking about mitosis. It's such a divisive issue.

The skeleton canceled the gallery showing of his skull-ptures because his heart wasn't in it.

Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog? A: Put it in a man bun.

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? – She was fed up with the hole business.

The skeleton knew what would happen next—he could just feel it in his bones.