My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.” Betty Heim-Campbell, Fairhope, Alabama

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.” “What’s your word?” the host 
replied. “Bored out of my mind,” said the caller. From Sports Illustrated

Librarians may be shy, but 
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal 
a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to find a 
book to teach her dog German. A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work. Roz Warren, from womensvoicesforchange.org

For Martin Luther King Day, 
I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.” Jessica Castronovo, 
Manalapan, New Jersey

Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that. Source: Overheard in the RADIO Newsroom

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?” “This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?” After a pause: “Did you just say whom?” “Yes, I did.” The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up. From gcfl.net

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.” Linda Neukrug, Walnut Creek, California

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.” Wilson Hsia, Temple City, California

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed … ... to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying. ... to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin. ... to be a Nobel Prize winner. ... to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time. ... he was fired “on accident.” From careerbuilder.com

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?” The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, 
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?” He promptly replied, “Another train.” From guy-sports.com

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very easy. Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook. Me: Oh. Very hard. Father: Oh, OK. From clientsfromhell.net

After my niece returned from 
her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I asked. “Nothing,” she said. “I’ve been sandblasted.” Wanda kaltreider, Wrightsville, Pennsylvania

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if 
I could borrow his master key. “Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters. John Dannar, Pasadena, Texas

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.” John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text. Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes. Source: viralthread.com

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as 
I answer the phone “Hello?” @SethMacFarlane

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?” The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.” The case was dismissed. Helen Reynolds, Missoula, Montana

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza 
& Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this! Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/ Source: Twitter

Sick of having to go to two 
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. @Leemanish

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. @PaulyPeligroso

If you think 
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. @jakeandamir 
(Amir Blumenfeld)

Triscuit is the perfect 
combination of cracker and doormat. @1CarParade 
(Jason Gelles)

Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up 
oatmeal cookies before noon?” @JulieKlausner

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.” Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button. @JoshGroban

I’m driving with this guy, and 
he runs right through a Stop sign. So 
I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!” So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?” He says, “My brother might be coming.”

My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking. Maria Bamford

Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Harry Submitted by Edward Phillips, 
Boynton Beach, Florida

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me. @bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. Seen on reddit.com

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two 
police officers and a psychiatrist. Submitted by Nancy L. Clark, 
Points, West Virginia

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.” Michael Stephens, Ontario, Canada

My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away, oblivious 
to the fact that her name tag had slipped down over her breast. I asked another friend if I should say something to her. “Like what?” she asked. “What she named the other one?” Marcy Snaza, Richfield, Minnesota

Here’s a guide to American 
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: “Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.” “As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.” “‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, 
and no more.” Source: Mental Floss

The food at the sandwich shop 
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?” Carole Holder, Norman, Oklahoma

I’d rather spend ten minutes 
rearranging the dishwasher to 
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand. @goldengateblond (shauna)

My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The 
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we 
just call it a duck?” Pamela Spinney, Enosburg Falls, Vermont

• We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. It took the poor guy all day. —benSavageGardenState • Our squad leader was yelling at a soldier when he abruptly stopped and said, “I’m done yelling at you. It doesn’t work.” He stormed off and returned carrying a small potted tree. “You will carry this tree with you wherever you go. If anyone asks you why you’re carrying this tree, you will say, ‘It’s to replace the oxygen I stole from everyone else.’” —Tain01 • A recruit thought he was special because he was an Eagle Scout. The drill instructor picked up on this and took him into the woods and made him build a nest. Then he had him squat over it in order to keep his eggs warm. —V_E_R_S_E Source: reddit.com

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon. Source: bbc.com

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

An ad for a hedge clipper that 
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” Michael Goldstone, Manchester, England

I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. 
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.” Sarah Parchert, Hoschton, Georgia

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was 
expecting an ocean-view hotel 
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of 
the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. 
“I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.” Source: hotelstories.freeservers.com

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.” Ellen Israel, Alamo, California

New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what 
it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; 
is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’” Source: cosmopolitan.com

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter 
Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain. • I will not fly into a rage and 
kill a messenger who brings me 
bad news just to illustrate how evil 
I am. Good messengers are hard 
to come by. • My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. • If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have 
to leave the table for any reason, 
I will order new drinks for both 
of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him. • My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. • When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off. Source: eviloverlord.com

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush. Source: gcfl.net

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” Submitted by Norie Bloom, Honolulu, Hawaii

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Stewart Francis

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. Paula Poundstone

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge? Jay Leno

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Neil DeGrasse Tyson

I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. —Robert Brault

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Reid Faylor

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. —David Letterman

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A: A mechanic.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, 
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.” Andy Kindler

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol @yoyoha (Josh Hara)

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer. @FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” 
- Cargo Shorts @DearAnyone (Artie Johann)

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch

When a soldier came to the 
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an 
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination 
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was 
I in there for?” Joanne Korman, Bedford, Nova Scotia