What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West? @Apocalypsehow

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented. @JoeToplyn

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut. @Bazecraze

Eve Sex: Female Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, 
but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old Location: Over by some ferns Height: A tall vine Weight: A bunch of sticks Body Type: Only female type there is Favorite music: Birds Favorite movies: Birds Favorite food: Birds Hobbies: Being tempted, birds Profession: Woman Personality: VERY easily tempted Turn-ons: Adam, birds Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks Looking for: The only other person in existence From Science … For Her by Megan Amram (Scribner), copyright © 2014 by Megan Amram

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does 
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?” Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.” From gcfl.net

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist. Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of manure. “Why are you so happy?” he asked. The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by Jesse Rehn, 
Green Bay, Wisconsin

It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman sitting alone, he says, “Pardon me, miss, did I step on your feet a few minutes ago?” “Yes,” she says testily, “you did.” “Good! I knew my table was around here somewhere.”

After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly relative was missing. “Where’s Aunt Florence?” she asked. From across the room came a masculine drawl, “Oh, she’s with the kids, bridging the generation gap.” Contributed by Florence M. Mortimer

I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner. Then came the stumper. “If my friend just left from exit twelve,” she asked, “what time should I put the turkey in?” Contributed by Sandra Shields

Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence. “Please don’t worry about me,” she said. “I was brought up in a family too.” Contributed by Garrison H. McClure

The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to the checker. “How can you stay so pleasant?” “We can all count our blessings,” the clerk replied. “The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn’t come in July.” Contributed by L. Proctor

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument “felt stuffy” and he couldn’t blow air through it. It’s not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked. After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell. “Oh,” said the musician when I handed him the fruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, “My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece.” Contributed by Mark L. Madden

I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks. Jimmy Kimmel

From a passenger of the Vacaville, 
California, public bus company: Dear Sir, I would like to commend driver Lea 
Schroeder for the following reasons: 1. She frequently doesn’t stop for me when I’m waiting at the bus stop, but she always waves as she goes by. 2. If she’s running behind, she tells me, “Sit your butt down,” in a courteous way. 3. She nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week. 4. Although she usually gives me 
wrong instructions on which bus to 
take, I enjoy riding all around Vacaville on the different routes. 5. The way she suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead, and pulls several Gs of force when she turns corners unfailingly 
elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits. Once again, I would like to commend Lea Schroeder for her outstanding work. Sincerely yours, Robert V. From Lea Schroeder, Vacaville, California, a bus driver with a great sense of humor

As I entered the elevator 
at our hospital, a disheveled-
looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations. I smiled knowingly and asked, 
“Does he look like you?” “I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.” S. M. K., via mail

A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.” Fred Karn, Kearney, Missouri

Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project. Client: “We want a total of eight 
languages—English, French, Spanish, Canadian ...” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a 
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had 
bought her a beer. “I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.” “You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.” James Landis, 
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” I asked. “Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.” Charles Loeffler, Monument, Colorado

One of our interns asked 
another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k). “I’m considering it,” replied the second intern. Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned. “I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!” Rebekah Shue, Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it: • Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser • Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts Source: Topeka Capital-Journal • Free Vain Screening Source: Boston Globe • Free rent in exchange for elderly woman Source: 11points.com Submitted by James Hutchinson, Carroll Valley, Pennsylvania; Faith Adams, Topeka, Kansas; Annetta Boisselle, Melrose, Massachusetts

“I hate audio correct.” Aaron Fernando, 
Richmond Hill, New York

The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved 
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?” Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma

I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me. “Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said. “Hi, Eddie,” she replied. “So you do remember me?” I asked. “Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.” Edward McMurray, Wayne, Michigan

“Time heals all wombs.” “The seizure salad … is so good.” “I have no clue why people don’t like hammy downs … Who doesn’t like free clothes?” Source: twitter.com

My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I 
removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?” S. W., via mail

We were stocking up on 
green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl 
helping us for 15 pounds’ worth. “I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.” Kerri Ingle, Shelby, Ohio

The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the 
window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you crazy?” She shook her head. “We call it job security.” Alan Cliburn, Van Nuys, California

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?” Rachel Hester, Clover, South Carolina

... I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of 
his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up 
to turn it off.

My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for? @JoshGondelman

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice 
willing to work long, hard hours. 
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.” The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth 
graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see: • Rage Against the Curfew • Food Fighters • Electric Night-Light Orchestra • Alice in Time-Out • Math Test Dummies • Pre-KC and the Sunshine Band • Onesie Direction From humorlabs.com

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. “I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.” “I blame the players,” said the 
second fan. “If they made more of 
an effort, we’d score some points.” “I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, 
I’d be supporting a decent team.”

3 Musketeers is a good name 
for a chocolate bar, but a bad name 
for an Army division. Shout is a good name for 
a stain remover, but a better name 
for a senior citizen home. PetSmart is a good name for 
a pet store, but the best name 
for a university. Andy Simmons

I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but 
I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school. From humorlabs.com

My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy Liebman

I’m on the Paleo diet, 
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers. @rexhuppke

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. Rob O’Reilly

“Pretend to be someone you’re 
not, and receive candy.” Quick: 
Halloween or 
Valentine’s Day? @aaronfullerton

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers? Jerry Seinfeld

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term fun-sized 
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: 
“disappointment-sized.” Jimmy Kimmel

“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar Myq Kaplan

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard … 
or is it just so you don’t lose your place? Jackie Flynn

When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!” Ron Babcock

Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?” No, I shave my photos. Sean Morey

While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up. @ChrisThayerSays

I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for 
how lazy I am. Tim Siedell

Boss to underling: “When I 
told you that you smelled like bacon grease, it was a compliment.” Source: overheardintheoffice.com

The British foreign office helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded: • A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a stone wanted assurance that 
it would not happen again. • A man asked consular staff in Stockholm to check the credentials of a woman whom he had met online. • A man asked staff in Rome to translate a phrase for a tattoo that he 
wanted. Source: gov.uk

Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet. @Bridger_w

We all make mistakes. Some 
are just more public than others, 
like these real newspaper typos: “Here the bridal couple stood, 
facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.”     Modesto News-Herald (California) “It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan) “Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.”    Ohio paper “A headline in an item in the 
Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’”    Enquirer-Bulletin From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir 
(Three Rivers Press)

Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later …] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required. From notalwaysworking.com

Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of 
an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine. Gordon Knight, Stamford, Connecticut

Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him: “Shane, stop putting Some 
Assembly Required stickers on 
the eight-piece chickens.” “Shane, any free samples you 
give must come from the deli, not electronics.” “Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to 
Albertsons.” Source: foodbeast.com

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” “Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet. “What are you doing?” I asked. “Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin. “You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.” His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.” Jeffrey S. Carr, Jacksonville, North Carolina

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly 
from New York 
to Tokyo in one 
hour. Apparently, 
the engines are 
powered by 
human screams. Seth Meyers  

I shave each morning in front 
of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than 
it actually appears. Submitted by Philip Rogers, 
Latham, New York

A Briton flies into Australia 
and is asked by the immigration 
officer, “Do you have any felony 
convictions?” The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

After 12 years of therapy, 
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.” Comedian Ronnie Shakes

A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more 
positive spin on the sales pitch: • “A home suited for free spirits” • “Mostly not haunted” • “113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners” • “A place for all your possessions” • “This house has good bones” • “Your kids will make new friends”

In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost. @IamEnidColeslaw

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!” Submitted by S. K., via Internet

Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it? Comedian Sean O’Connor

Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines: Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!” Headline: Maryland Agrees to 
Tobacco Settlement Response: “Well, that’s all we 
need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?” Headline: C.C. United Se Une 
Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro 
Centroamerica Response: “I was disgusted with 
the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.” From gcfl.net