The Godfather: "I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I’d jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?" The Terminator: "I’ll be back. Do you need anything while I’m up?" Dirty Harry: "You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? I ask myself that every day, and you know what? I feel so very lucky. Loving family, steady work …" Taxi Driver: "You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Sorry, it looked like you were talkin’ to me. My mistake."

One thing I’ve learned from my last relationship is that if an argument starts with "What did you mean by that?" it’s not going to end with "Now I know what you mean by that."

At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, "At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer." The woman nodded. "I'll make a note of that: ‘has-been movie producer.'"

All parents are proud of overachieving children, and one father was no exception. The bumper sticker on his car read "My Kid Made Your License Plate."

You know you're dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?

Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise's friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."

That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.

"It's late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

"Might as well," says Harry. "I'll get in trouble if I go home."

As the soldier drove up to the Air Force base gate, my husband, who was on security detail at the time, had an inkling that the driver might have had a few. What gave him away? The guy thought he was at a tollbooth and handed my husband a dollar bill.

Tourists say some odd things when they charter my boat in Key West. "How many sunset sails do you have at night?" asked one. Another wondered, "Does the water go around the island?"

But the most interesting came when I asked a customer why she'd brought along a dozen empty jars. She answered, "I want to take home a sample of each color of water that we'll be going in."

I was delivering pizzas when I fell hard onto the sidewalk. Seeing me sprawled on the ground, my concerned customer yelled, "Oh, no! The pizzas!"

Justice isn't just blind—it's snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes:

Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn't that enough?

Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can't prove it!

Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.

Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.

When I worked in my school library, a very confused guy asked me for help. "The computer just started typing in Latin. I can't understand it," he said. It turns out he was typing in italics.

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.

I enrolled in an online school to become a private investigator. I gave them my money, and then I never heard back from them. I thought, Either I just got ripped off, or this is my first case.

Our friend tells everyone that he began losing his hair while serving in Vietnam. His granddaughter incorporated that information into her grade school history report on the war. She wrote, "My Grandpa went to Vietnam and got his hair shot off."

The Department of Defense has a Contact Us link on its website inviting readers to pose any question they want. One guy did just that: "So do you have any top secret information you would like to tell me? I am doing a project for my senior economics class and was just wondering ... E-mail me back."

The chief and I were on our submarine trying in vain to hook up some fire hoses. The wrenches we had didn't fit the connections, so he resorted to banging away at the hoses to make things fit. Just then an ensign walked by.

"Chief," he yelled out, "I have a book on tools you can borrow."

"Get it!" shouted the chief. "It's got to be heavier than this wrench I'm using."

My mom wants me to name my kids after people in our family. So I'm naming my firstborn Uncle Karl.

When my summer teaching post in the Czech Republic came to an end, I told my students my next teaching destination would be in Australia, "the land down under." On my final day, they presented me with a card. The carefully worded note read "Good luck, and happy journey to the underworld."

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.

"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.

"And how did that turn out?"

"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."

Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."

After sailing across the Atlantic, my family and I arrived in France. Wanting directions and sorely in need of conversation, my father stopped a passerby and asked if he spoke English. Sizing up my disheveled father, the man warily responded, "Sometimes."

My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit. Needless to say, it gave me a start when, looking through the freezer, I found packages labeled steak, chicken breast, and Molly.

While I was planning a trip to Nova Scotia, a Titanic-related tour caught my eye. The description: "Learn of the Titanic tragedy along with a guided visit to the Fairview Lawn Cemetery, where 121 victims are still buried on a deluxe air-conditioned motorcoach."

My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.

Following his motivational talk at a Weight Watchers meeting, my father noticed one client’s small son climbing onto a scale.

"Don’t go on that, Joey," warned the boy’s slightly older brother.

"It makes people cry."

When I took my Weed Eater back to the home-and-garden store to get it fixed, I was asked if I wanted to wait until the job was done.

"How long will it take?" I asked.

The clerk answered, "A day or two."

Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is."

I was in the back of our ambulance tending to a patient when we slowed to a crawl. Just ahead of us, a huge semi was hauling a house.

"Don’t you hate that?" said our driver. "When people are simply too lazy to pack."

The pay for this gig is whatever you can haul away: "Need someone to sit with elderly man. Must have excellent references and current police record."

I served in a parachute regiment. During a nighttime exercise, I was seated next to a young officer. He was looking a bit pale, so I asked, "Scared, lieutenant?"

"No," he replied. "Apprehensive."

"What's the difference?"

"That means I'm scared, but with a university education."

My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.

"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said.

"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."

My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues.

"What kind of costume is that?" he asked.

"That's not a costume," his grandfather growled. "Men have died for that uniform."

The boy looked up and said, "So you stole it, then?"

What's the toughest part about writing a book? It's deciding what to call it, as these finalists for the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year prove. Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter An Intellectual History of Cannibalism Father Christmas Needs a Wee! Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease

As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone. One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer mine as well.

"Um," he stammered, "I was talking about my purchase-order number."

In these tough times, there are certain things we must all learn to stint on. Toilet paper, though, is not one of them. Waitrose, a high-end British supermarket, wants to turn your toilet into a throne with toilet paper made from cashmere. And the store is selling it for the unprincely sum of $3.60 for a four-pack. "It's the little luxuries that put a smile on your face," says a company spokesman.

Here's an ad for a job that should be filled quickly: "Animal Hospital is seeking an Assistant. Must be flexible, reliable, and irresponsible."

A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a witch?!" Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."

This job requires a specialist: "A local corporation is seeking a medical billing specialist. 2 years exp. bilking Medicare."

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"

She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."

Our company was conducting free body mass index checkups. When a stout colleague climbed onto the machine, it spit out a slip of paper telling him what his weight-to-height ratio was and what it ought to be.

"What does it say?" I asked.

He replied, "I need to increase my height by six inches."

The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

I have mixed emotions when I receive Father's Day gifts. I'm glad my children remember me, but I'm disappointed that they actually think I dress that way.

My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

The day after the Haitian earthquake, I got a frantic call from my daughter in Florida. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nate's been called up by the National Guard. He's going to Haiti," she said. Then came the tears: "I didn't even know we were at war with Haiti!"

During our priest's sermon, a large plant fell over right behind the pulpit, crashing to the ground. Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, he smiled sheepishly and said, "Well, that's the first time I actually put a plant to sleep."

Closed-captioning still needs to iron out some kinks. A local news story regarding school closures declared: "The Cleveland Metropolitan School District is holding a nude conference. It promises to be quite an emotional event."

The Mexican restaurant looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.

"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"

A friend and I were watching a film when a character called another a nymphomaniac.

"What's that mean?" she asked.

"It's a female who's addicted to sex," I answered.

"What do they call males who are addicted to sex?"

"Men."

Anyone can eavesdrop, but not everyone thinks to record conversations for posterity. We thank those snoopers who alerted overheardinnewyork.com to these: Guy: Your glasses can't be bad—you just got them! Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it's really my own fault. Guy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Girl: I'm very competitive. Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated? Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now, was it? Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought. Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought. Girl: Same thing. Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn't know soda was baked. Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!

We were shopping for clothes when my 13-year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look! I'm a genius!"

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" she asked her customer.

"Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."

A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.

"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again.

"Me too. What about a double bed?"

"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.

"Yep."

The Kia owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.

"What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.

He mumbled back, "I got married."

I've always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

During a lecture on the influence of media on teens, a typo in the PowerPoint presentation revealed the professor's true opinion. The title read "Three Reasons Teens Are Vulnerable Toads."

A sign outside a nursery: "It's spring! We're so excited, we wet our plants!"

Going on a job interview? Take pity on the poor hiring managers, who filed these reports: "The applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room."

"The candidate told the interviewer he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss."

"An applicant said she was a ‘people person,' not a ‘numbers person,' in her interview for an accounting position.

In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.

"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."

"Nice."

"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."

A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it. After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the Bible.

After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."

As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from above!" Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death from below!"

Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from within!"

I stood in the ice cream parlor watching in amazement as the girl behind the counter piled one mammoth scoop of ice cream after another onto my cone. It was so huge, I began to question whether she'd heard my order.

"Excuse me," I said. "Is that a small?"

As she poured on the toppings, she replied, "Not yet!"

My husband, a deputy district attorney, was teaching an antidrug class to a group of Cub Scouts. When he asked if anyone could list the gateway drugs, one Scout had the answer: "Cigarettes, beer, and marinara."

"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."