Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"

"I’m Batman."

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.

"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.

"None," said the patient.

Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn't so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"

My five-year-old nephew has always happily answered to BJ. That ended when he came home from his first day of school in a foul mood. It seems his teacher took roll, and he never heard his name.

"Why didn't anyone tell me my name was William!?" he complained.

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."

It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn't it nice to be here when we're not being convicted of something?"

"How do you spell toad?" one of my first-grade students asked.

"We just read a story about a toad," I said, then helped him spell it out: "T-O-A-D."

Satisfied, he finished writing the story he'd begun, then read it aloud: "I toad my mama I wanted a dog for my birthday."

Not everyone has mastered the art of texting. Case in point:

Mom: Stop at dollar store on way home and get lunch maggots.
Me: Lunch maggots?
Mom: Baffles.
Mom: Baggies.
Mom: Ziploc lunch Baggies.
Mom: Spell-check is not helping me.
Mom: By the way, this is Dad.

A truer tweet has never been tweeted: "4:30 is to meeting as water is to boarding."

Job hunting is stressful enough without having to answer these interview questions posed by hiring managers:

"Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten how weird you are."

"How many basketballs can you fit in this room?"

"An apple costs 20 cents, an orange costs 40 cents, and a grapefruit costs 60 cents. How much is a pear?"

"How many bottles of beer are consumed in the city each week?"

Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions … lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had had it.

"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.

"No," replied Terra.

"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"

Terra was intrigued: "What was in the hole?"

While I was performing in a show outside Chicago, there was a gentleman who could often be found hanging around the lobby. Every¬one called him the Marquis. One day, I asked the artistic director if he'd gotten the nickname because he looked so distinguished. No, he replied. "We call him the Marquee because he hangs out in front of the theater and is usually lit."

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

"But I filled them out last year," she replied.

"You have to fill them out every year."

"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"

We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."

Check out these purr-fectly fine classifieds:
"Free to good home: Young cat, speaks Spanish."

To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.

I already regret my choice of Juilliard to win the NCAA.

I sat in the doctor’s waiting room watching a young mother try desperately to control her three loud children. "They’re not a very good advertisement, are they?" she groaned apologetically.

A man muttered, "Only if you’re advertising contraceptives."

If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?

When a neighbor's home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: "Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."

"Reward! Lost black male cat (Chucky). May have gotten into vehicle & driven to other area."

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: "Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed."

As we pulled into the parking lot, we saw a couple of people looking under the hood of their car. Concerned, Mom wondered aloud, "Do you think they have a flat tire?"

A candy company’s sales team was promised a trip to sunny Hawaii this past winter if they met their sales quota. They missed their mark and instead got the consolation prize: a vacation in Fargo, North Dakota, where the temperature was 7 degrees.

A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. "And how are the American students, Donald?" she asked.

"They’re so noisy," he complained. "One neighbor endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night."

"How do you put up with it?"

"I just ignore them and play my bagpipes."

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s.

"What type of pie is Herman’s?" I asked the waiter.

"Apple," he said.

"Then why is it called Herman’s pie?"

"Because Herman called in to reserve it."

My 18-year-old daughter and I were watching TV when a character with my maiden name—Lester Highsmith—was introduced. "I’ve never heard my name on TV before," I said.

My daughter was equally surprised. "Your name used to be Lester?"

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

I’m coming out with a condensed phone book. It has only one number in it: 411.

A job applicant’s polygraph test for the Washington State Patrol came to an abrupt end after officers discovered an interesting piece of literature on the front seat of his car. The title of the book: How to Beat a Lie Detector Test.

Going to a party soon? Here are some icebreakers to avoid:
"I can see you’re not one of those ‘shallow’ people who’s super-concerned about appearance."

"Sit back, relax, and allow me to explain the importance of composting."

"I don’t really see why we need art."

"What’s your all-time favorite coupon?"

"What’s your dream toothpaste?"

"I wouldn’t call them actual voices. More like hyenas scratching at the walls of my brain."

"These look like lice, right? Apparently, they’re just chiggers."

After a day of listening to my eighth graders exchange gossip, I decided to quote Mark Twain to them: "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

After considering my words, one of my students asked, "What does it mean to remove all doubt?"

A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."

Meetingboy.com invites viewers to gripe about their jobs. Some of the best responses: "No, I wasn’t playing devil’s advocate. I really think your idea is stupid."

"Getting an excellent performance review but then no raise is like being told you get dessert, then learning the dessert is celery."

"Of course it wasn’t convincing. That 60-slide PowerPoint presentation wasn’t to convince people. It was to break their will."

"You had me at ‘meeting canceled.’"

Scene: A phone conversation between a client and me—an art director.
Me: Hi. I was wondering if you received the invoice I sent?
Client: Yes, I received it, but I am not going to pay you yet.
Me: Why not? Was something wrong?
Client: No, I don’t need to use your design yet, so I will pay you when I use it.
Me: Well, I still need to get paid now. If a plumber fixes your toilet, you don’t tell him you will pay him as soon as you need to go to the bathroom, do you?
Client: That’s disgusting! My bathroom habits are none of your business, and as soon as I use what you sent me, you will get paid!

While attending an open house, my wife was taken with the home’s modern features, especially the central vacuum system installed within the walls. But she had a practical question: "What do you do when all the walls fill up?"

My sister Angela was impressed by a job applicant’s confidence. "How will you gain your coworkers’ respect?" she asked. The reply: "Mainly through my misdemeanor."

My husband went to the cardiologist after experiencing symptoms of a heart attack. "I had taken our cat to the vet," he told the nurse, "and while I was there, my chest got tight, and I had trouble breathing. Later, my left arm began aching."

The nurse was clearly concerned. "So," she asked, "how was the cat?"

After my ten-year-old daughter declared her disgust with cosmetic surgery, I dropped a bomb on her. "Don’t be too quick to judge," I told her. "Before college, I had a nose job." She was completely thrown. "You mean," she said, "it was bigger?"

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."

Ruminations.com asks its users to reflect upon everyday life. Here are three observations everyone can relate to: Forgetting an e-mail attachment is the 21st-century version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside. Is anyone else as apprehensive about throwing out a shoe box as I am? More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is how I can’t wait for them to finish so I can tell my own story, which not only is better but also more directly involves me.

After setting off the alarms at airport security, I was escorted behind a curtain. As two female officials "wanded" me, the senior officer gave instructions to the trainee on proper technique: first down the front of my body, then up the back of me, and—much to my embarrassment—up between my legs.

After she was done, her boss congratulated her.

"Great job," she said. "Now do it again. But this time, try turning on the wand."

Our grandson’s scoutmaster must have fainted when he saw what he’d texted to his troop’s parents: "Scouts 7:00 Sharp at the Church. We will finish up Aviation, Cycling, and Gynecology Merit Badges."

That was followed by this message three minutes later: "Change of Plans. We will not be finishing up the Gynecology Merit Badge. Instead, it will be the Genealogy Merit Badge."

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.

"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"

The U.S. Army Ranger School was more arduous than my nephew had expected. He had to subsist on meager rations, hike for miles carrying heavy packs and equipment, and survive treacherous conditions in swamps, deserts, heat, and cold. I told an incredulous coworker all about it.

"Wow," she said, "I had no idea how tough it was to become a forest ranger."

After receiving the umpteenth late-night communication from a business associate in Asia, I grumbled to my son, "Don’t ever work for a global company!"

A reservist, he said, "I already do. It’s called the U.S. Army."

When someone tells you that something defies description, you can be pretty sure he’s going to have a go at it anyway.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the "best" from the past year. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead." --Dennis Pearce Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men"—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. --Tom Wallace

Someone advertising on Craigslist said she was well suited for child care. After all, she had plenty of experience in "CPR and Choking Children."

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?"

"Well," she answers, "I've been divorced three times."

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.

My friend had been pounding the pavement in search of a job with no luck. Frustrated, she asked her dad to look at her résumé. He didn't get much further than the first line of her cover letter before spotting the problem.

"Is it too generic?" she asked.

"I doubt it," said her father.

"Especially since it's addressed 'Dear Sir or Madman.'"

"Why did you leave your last job?"

"It was something my boss said."

"What did he say?"

"'You're fired!'"

Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday."

Louie and his wife are listening to the radio when they hear the weather report: "A snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street.” So Louie gets up and moves his car.

Two days later—same thing. "A snow emergency has been declared,” blares the radio. "Park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street.” Louie gets up and does what he’s told.

Three days later: "There will be a foot of snow today. Park your cars on the ...,” and then the power goes out.

"What should I do?” a confused Louie asks his wife.

"This time,” she says, "why don’t you just leave the car in the garage?”

After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom

"I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what—never again.”

My go-getter coworker asked me, "Andrea, why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?”

I replied, "On the chance that I get fired this afternoon and don’t have to do it at all.”

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

"Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”

"Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

"No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”

If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.

"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."

Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."

Q: What word is always spelled incorrectly?
A: Incorrectly!

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.

"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.

"Fifteen dollars each."

"Who bought them?"

"I did!"

After ringing cell phones ruined a service, our rabbi laid down the law in the latest temple newsletter: "Let’s turn off the technology and turn on each other."

"Where is Pearl Harbor?" I asked my fourth-grade history class. "Here’s a hint: It’s a place where everyone wants to go."

One student blurted out, "Candy Land!"

Workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark walked off the job after losing a prized perk: unlimited beer at work. They now have to settle for three beers at lunch. A worker told the Wall Street Journal that wasn’t enough: "I need a beer when I take a cigarette break."

Thefrisky.com asked women to share some of the odd confessions they heard on a first (and last) date.

• That he had been stalking me online for over a year.

• That he was "polyamorous."

• That he was a 9/11 conspiracy theorist who thought Bush/Cheney/Rove were behind the terrorist attacks.

• That he was married, didn’t have a job, and lived with his parents.

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."