Computer Jokes

Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?

A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”

Q. What do you call it when you have your mom’s mom on speed dial?

A. Instagram.

Q. What should you do after your Nintendo game ends in a tie?

A. Ask for a Wii-match!

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!

Q. How does a computer get drunk?

A. It takes screenshots.

Q. Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road?

A. To get to the other slide.

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter!

DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow.

Have you heard of that new band “1023 Megabytes”? They’re pretty good, but they don’t have a gig just yet.

You can really get your parents fooled by pretending their smart phone screen or yours has been cracked. You can download images or even find online apps that will make your screen look like it’s been shattered. Just think how you’re parents will totally be relieved when you scream “April Fool’s.” Try these computer pranks on your friends.

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

We’ll we’ll we’ll…if it isn’t autocorrect.

Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook?

Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it.

Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Person 2: Word.

My computer suddenly started belting out “Someone Like You.” It’s a Dell.

I tried to say, “I’m a functional adult,” but my phone changed it to “fictional adult,” and I feel like that’s more accurate.

Q: Why did the computer show up at work late?

A: It had a hard drive.

Person 1: Hey Rachyl, do you remember me?

Person 2: Wrong number.

Person 1: What’s your number then?

Matt: Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the Vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3 days ago. What should I do with her?

Hannah: Hi, this is Hannah. I think you have the wrong number, but I Googled it and I’m pretty sure u need to put a stent in her left radial artery. Best of luck, Matt!

Matt: Sorry, wrong number Hannah. She ended up actually getting a stent. Took about 3 hours longer for trained medical professionals to figure out what took you 3 minutes.

Hannah: Yoooo, yall hiring?

Guy: I’m sorry. I hate when we fight cuz I really like you too and wanna be with you too and everytime we fight I feel like I’m gonna make u lose all the feelings u have for me and I don’t want that cuz I like when you like me back.

Girl: I love you too … But who are you?

Mom: How make chicken
Daughter: What?
Mom: Where buy chicken
Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google.
Mom: Avocado

Daughter: Dad there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door. Can you get rid of it?

Daughter: Please hurry because I’m going to cry.

Daughter: Dad…

Daughter: Dad…

Dad: Dad is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth

I saw a driver texting and driving.

It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

“I feel like carp today”

“Yeah, you look a little fishy”

“I am hungary.”

“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”

“I’m russian to the kitchen.”

“Is there any turkey?”

“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”

“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”

Anyone who thinks “talk is cheap”…

obviously didn’t pay my daughter’s last mobile phone bill!

The guy who invented predictive text died last night.

His funfair is next monkey.

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

Q: What do you call an iPhone that isn’t kidding around?

A: Dead Siri-ous

Q: Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?

A: It lost its contacts.

You know you’re texting too much when…

You type ppl instead of people in a letter.

You know you’re texting too much when…

…you try to text, but you’re on a landline.

You know you’re texting too much when…

…you’re happy when you get stopped at a red light.

You know you’re texting too much when…

…you say LOL in real life, instead of just laughing.

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.

Recording on an Australian tax help line

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]

• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]

• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected]

From quora.com

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.

Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

Source: thecooperreview.com

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”

Source: clientsfromhell.net

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.

@JoshGondelman

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design.

Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?

Me: Oh, very easy.

Friend: He doesn’t mean to make a Facebook profile. He means to remake all of Facebook.

Me: Oh. Very hard.

Father: Oh, OK.

From clientsfromhell.net

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”

John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

@PaulyPeligroso

Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.

@JoshGroban

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.

Submitted by Nancy L. Clark, Points, West Virginia

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

@1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught.

“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop monitor.”

“I lied and told my dad school was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”

“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”

Source: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

A. R., via Internet

A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower- or uppercase?”

Swati Khatri, New Delhi, India

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

• What is the sound of no hands texting?

• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?

• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

Brandon Specktor

Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:

“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.

While taking stock of our products, I read aloud the final numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his desk phone’s keypad.

David Marland, on quora.com

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”

Source: acidcow.com

Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards.

• “I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.”

• “I don’t have an oven; can I still make this? Please reply immediately.”

• “A warning that if you cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for 25 minutes, it’s completely ruined. Do you have any suggestions?”

Mallory Ortberg, on the-toast.net

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

@clarkekant

The cool part about naming your kid is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

@billmurray

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back.
~
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

Source: lifebuzz.com

The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.

“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”

Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon

Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone.

Me: Siri, call my wife.

Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.

Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife.

Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.

Me: Call my wife.

Siri: Which wife?

Taylor Gibbs, Visalia, California

I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God

II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods

III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?

IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator

V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?

VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch

VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses

VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants

IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You

X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”

He said he did and thanked me.

The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent in Chinese?”

From clientsfromhell.net

You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

From meetingboy.com

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”

From gcfl.net

“I hate audio correct.”

Aaron Fernando, Richmond Hill, New York

“Time heals all wombs.”

“The seizure salad … is so good.”

“I have no clue why people don’t like hammy downs … Who doesn’t like free clothes?”

Source: twitter.com