Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll. —Constance Normandeau
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Turn It Off and On Again
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
—William Petersen
Monkeying Around
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.
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Beef It Up
Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stroganoff.
Have You Really?
Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."
Generation Gap
Q. What do you call it when you have your mom's mom on speed dial? A. Instagram.
Tiebreaker
Q. What should you do after your Nintendo game ends in a tie? A. Ask for a Wii-match!
Missed Opportunity
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!
Computer Clubbing
Q. How does a computer get drunk? A. It takes screenshots.
Let It Slide
Q. Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road? A. To get to the other slide.
Tweetment Needed
PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I'm addicted to checking my Twitter! DOCTOR: I'm so sorry, I don't follow.
What’s the Gig Deal?
Have you heard of that new band "1023 Megabytes"? They're pretty good, but they don't have a gig just yet.
Prank: Oh No – You Cracked Your Phone!
You can really get your parents fooled by pretending their smart phone screen or yours has been cracked. You can download images or even find online apps that will make...
Typecasting
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
All’s We’ll that Ends We’ll
We'll we'll we'll...if it isn't autocorrect.
Humor On (Power)Point
Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook? Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it. Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun? Person 2: Word.
LOL-ing in the Deep
My computer suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You." It's a Dell.
Fictional Adult
I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.
Computer Commute
Q: Why did the computer show up at work late? A: It had a
hard drive.
Wrong number
Person 1: Hey Rachyl, do you remember me? Person 2: Wrong number. Person 1: What’s your number then?
Texting your doctor
Matt: Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the Vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3...
Wrong number
Guy: I’m sorry. I hate when we fight cuz I really like you too and wanna be with you too and everytime we fight I feel like I’m gonna make...
Texts from Mom
Mom: How make chicken
Daughter: What?
Mom: Where buy chicken
Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google.
Mom: Avocado
Never text Dad for help
Daughter: Dad there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door. Can you get rid of it? Daughter: Please hurry because I’m going to cry. Daughter: Dad… Daughter: Dad…...
Drive safe
I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.
Not again, autocorrect!
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Bad odds
Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.
Fishy text
"I feel like carp today" "Yeah, you look a little fishy"
Hungary text
“I am hungary.” “Maybe you should czech the fridge.” “I’m russian to the kitchen.” “Is there any turkey?” “We have some, but it’s covered in greece” “ew, there’s norway I’d...
Talk is (not) cheap
Anyone who thinks "talk is cheap"... obviously didn't pay my daughter's last mobile phone bill!
Still can’t read minds
The guy who invented predictive text died last night. His funfair is next monkey.
Check before you send
The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in peace.
No kidding
Q: What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around? A: Dead Siri-ous
Getting into contact
Q: Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? A: It lost its contacts.
Listen Up, People
You know you're texting too much when... You type ppl instead of people in a letter.
Old School
You know you're texting too much when... ...you try to text, but you're on a landline.
Somebody Stop Me
You know you're texting too much when... ...you're happy when you get stopped at a red light.
LOL in RL
You know you're texting too much when... ...you say LOL in real life, instead of just laughing.
Repeat That, Mate?
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line
Your Work E-mail is What?
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His...
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best. = ...
E-mail Addresses It Would Be Annoying To Give Out Loud
[email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net
Weird Questions Librarians Hear…
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who...
Unintelligent Design
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.” Source: clientsfromhell.net
A Few Grams More
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman
Dad’s Brilliant Business Plan
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very...
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When Siri Slips
After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to...
Clean Your Plate
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history. @PaulyPeligroso
Antisocial Media
Hate to break it to you,
Facebook, but the entire Internet
is already a Dislike button. @JoshGroban
Social Media IRL
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and...
Router-stiltskin
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my
first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
#IGotBusted
Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught. “I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed...
Easier Said Than Done
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral. From clientsfromhell.net
The Most Confusing Password
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a...
Total @mateur
A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type...
Spotted on Facebook…
Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper? Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in...
Thanks, MapQuest
MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com
Zen Koans for the Internet Age
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value...
Weirdest Craigslist Post Ever?
Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist: “$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA...
Is Your Boss This Dumb?
While taking stock of our products, I read aloud the final numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device....
Flash Drive Failure
I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT...
Mallory Ortberg on Cooking Blogs
Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards....
When Smart is Too Smart
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone. @clarkekant
@BillMurray on Child Naming
The cool part about naming
your kid is you don’t have to add
six numbers to make sure the name
is available. @billmurray
MSW?! (Mom say what?!)
Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents: Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL. Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean? Son:...
Refresh. Refresh. Refresh…
The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it. “It’s like that old saying,”...
What are My Options?
Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone. Me: Siri, call my wife. Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts. Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife. Siri: I’ve...
Ten Commandments by Popular Websites
If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites… I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused,...
The Wrong Language
I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know. “Let’s say you’re asking...
A Fax?
You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993? From meetingboy.com
Winter Punderland
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded...
Warning Labels We can Really Use:
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”...
Seen on an Online Forum:
“I hate audio correct.” Aaron Fernando,
Richmond Hill, New York