Computer Jokes

Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”

Q. What do you call it when you have your mom’s mom on speed dial? A. Instagram.

Q. What should you do after your Nintendo game ends in a tie? A. Ask for a Wii-match!

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!

Q. How does a computer get drunk? A. It takes screenshots.

Q. Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road? A. To get to the other slide.

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter! DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow.

Have you heard of that new band “1023 Megabytes”? They’re pretty good, but they don’t have a gig just yet.

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

We’ll we’ll we’ll…if it isn’t autocorrect.

Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook? Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it. Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun? Person 2: Word.

My computer suddenly started belting out “Someone Like You.” It’s a Dell.

I tried to say, “I’m a functional adult,” but my phone changed it to “fictional adult,” and I feel like that’s more accurate.

Q: Why did the computer show up at work late? A: It had a 
hard drive.

Person 1: Hey Rachyl, do you remember me? Person 2: Wrong number. Person 1: What’s your number then?

Matt: Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the Vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3 days ago. What should I do with her? Hannah: Hi, this is Hannah. I think you have the wrong number, but I Googled it and […]

Guy: I’m sorry. I hate when we fight cuz I really like you too and wanna be with you too and everytime we fight I feel like I’m gonna make u lose all the feelings u have for me and I don’t want that cuz I like when you like me back. Girl: I love […]

Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google. Mom: Avocado

Daughter: Dad there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door. Can you get rid of it? Daughter: Please hurry because I’m going to cry. Daughter: Dad… Daughter: Dad… Dad: Dad is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth

I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

“I feel like carp today” “Yeah, you look a little fishy”

“I am hungary.” “Maybe you should czech the fridge.” “I’m russian to the kitchen.” “Is there any turkey?” “We have some, but it’s covered in greece” “ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”

Anyone who thinks “talk is cheap”… obviously didn’t pay my daughter’s last mobile phone bill!

The guy who invented predictive text died last night. His funfair is next monkey.

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in peace.

Q: What do you call an iPhone that isn’t kidding around? A: Dead Siri-ous

Q: Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? A: It lost its contacts.

You know you’re texting too much when… You type ppl instead of people in a letter.

You know you’re texting too much when… …you try to text, but you’re on a landline.

You know you’re texting too much when… …you’re happy when you get stopped at a red light.

You know you’re texting too much when… …you say LOL in real life, instead of just laughing.  

If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected] • My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected] […]

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum. Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again. No worries.     =     You really […]

[email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who built the English Channel?” • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between […]

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman