Q. Why don't cats mind when someone copies them? A. Because imitation is the sincerest form of cattery.

Q. What's a cat's favorite Shakespeare play? A. Romeow and Mew-liet.

Q. What's a cat's favorite Shakespeare quote? A. "Tabby, or not tabby, that is the question."

Q. What's the difference between a shamrock and a bread knife that gets used a lot? A. The shamrock is a four-leaf clover, and the knife is a four-loaf cleaver.

You're not feline well? Do you need a purramedic?

Q: What do you call a cat sleeping in your shoe? A: Puss in boots.

Live long and pawspurr

Q: What did the cat say when his friend asked if he was lying? A: I'm not kitten you.

No wonder he has such cattitude.

Q: Is he catatonic?

I am not a scaredy cat.

But, I must admit, cat puns freak meowt.

Q: What do you call a big pile of cats? A: A purramid

Q: What did the baby elephant ask his mom before they left for vacation? A: "Can I borrow a suitcase? I only have a little trunk."

Q: What did the toad say when he parked illegally? A: "Just waiting for the bus because my car got toad."

Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.

Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? A: Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

Q: What did the seal say when his friend told him a joke? A: That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!

Whale hello there!

Q: What did the Buffalo say to his son when he went off to college? A: Bison

Q: What would bears be without Bees? A: Ears

What do you mean I'm not a bear? I have all of the koalafications!

Q. What did the hot dog say when his friend passed him in the race? A. Wow, I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Q. Which thrill ride does a wine glass love to go on the most? A. A coaster! (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

Q. How do you keep intruders out of a castle made of cheese? A. Moatzarella.  

Q. What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that gets right up in your face? A. Too close for comfort food.

Q. What do you call it when you have your mom's mom on speed dial? A. Instagram.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Q. What should you do after your Nintendo game ends in a tie? A. Ask for a Wii-match!

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?  It was icing on the cake.

Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: Do your job.

Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Q: Did you hear about the tree's birthday? A: It was a sappy one!

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!

Q. How does a computer get drunk? A. It takes screenshots.

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?" Boyfriend: "You're both." Girlfriend: "What do you mean?" Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

Q. Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road? A. To get to the other slide.

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I'm addicted to checking my Twitter! DOCTOR: I'm so sorry, I don't follow.

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

You don't have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.

Money isn't everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.

My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?" Boyfriend: "You're both." Girlfriend: "What do you mean?" Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? A. Because he just couldn't see himself doing it.

Have you heard of that new band "1023 Megabytes"? They're pretty good, but they don't have a gig just yet.

Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)  

When my baby granddaughter LeeAnn came home from the hospital, the aunts, uncles and cousins were there to greet her.

I showed her cousin Alex the baby and told him, “This is Grandma’s girl.” Alex replied, “You are not her grandma; she doesn’t even know you.”

I was walking along a back road when two bunnies suddenly leapt into the air and landed one on top of the other. To my astonishment, I saw that one had pushed the other onto a stout groundhog.

In disgust, he lifted his nose with a grunt and a distinct 
snarl, as if to say, “These rabbits nowadays! What do they teach their children?” After the startled and likely embarrassed bunnies scuttled away, the groundhog stayed in the same position for a few moments before waddling off, still in a huff. I’ll never forget that woodchuck’s shocked face!

My 21/2-year-old grandson, 
Sam, brought a coloring book 
to me and said, “Read it.”

I proceeded to make up
words to go with each page. When I finished “reading,” Sam said, “I don’t think I’ve heard that story before.”

A group of our friends from church were planning a picnic, and it sounded like fun.

The only problem was that times had been a bit tight for me, as I was a single mother with four children. What did 
I have that we could contribute to the picnic? Then a thought struck. I could make a cherry pie! A friend had given me a quart of canned cherries that would make a very nice pie filling. So I prepared the crust, thickened the cherries, and put the pie together. When it came out of the oven, it looked so good and the aroma was wonderful. At the picnic, my fiance, Stu, was the first to take a bite of my pie. I saw a puzzled look go across his face. Then he began to spit out cherry pits. It had not occurred to me someone would can cherries without pitting them first. How embarrassing! Well, he married me anyway. And the cherry pie has been an inside joke for the past 48 years.