Q: What do you call cheese that is sad? A: Blue cheese.

What do you call blueberries playing the guitar? A jam session.

Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective? A: He got to the root of every case.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple!

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

Q. Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight? A. It had too many sleepless knights.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

-Do you think glass coffins will be a success? -Remains to be seen.

Don't wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young. Your mom may be one of them.

Mother: (noun)

1. One person who does the work of 20. For free

You know you're a mom when... ...picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary

Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, "Wii."

If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents!

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener.

Q. How many cats can you put in an empty box? A. One. After that, the box isn't empty anymore.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Q: What did the giraffe say when her neighbor wouldn't stop talking? A: You're giraffing me crazy!

Q: What is every whale's favorite greeting? A: Whale hello there!

Q: What did the bird watcher say when she mistook a hawk for an eagle? A: Well, this is hawkward

Q: What did the dolphin say after he accidentally swam into another sea creature? A: I didn't do it on porpoise

Q: What did the wild cat couple yell during their argument? A: "You're such a cheetah!" "No, you're lion!"

Q: How do fish end their work emails? A: Let minnow what you think.

Q: What is every goat's favorite Haddaway song? A: What is love? Baby don't herd me

Q: What did the flamingo post on her dating profile? A: Single and ready to flamingle

Do you have water? I'm a little horse.

Stand back, or I'll beat you with my bear hands!

Q: Why do seals swim in salt water? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze

Hippo 1: You're fat. Hippo 2: That's very hippo-critical.

You have cat to be kitten me right meow.

Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow? A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaad mooooooooooood.

Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? A: Someone told him to get a long little doggie.

That's the seal-iest thing I've ever heard.

Q. What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show? A. A cat-has-trophy.

CAT TO OWNER: Why are you so upset that I shed on the couch? It's called fur-niture!

Q. What do you call a sad cat that's in a hurry? A. A Russian Blue. (Credit: @CatPuns)

Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed? She was arrested for littering.

Q. Which two sodas does a cat like best? A. Dr. Peppurr and Meowntain Mew.

Q. What do you call it when a swarm of cats slows down your airplane? A. Purr-bulence. (Credit: @CatPuns)

Q. What's a British cat's favorite fantasy book? A. Hairy Pawter and the Philoso-purr's Stone.

Q. What do you call a kitten that cuts her hair really short? A. A bob cat!

A CAT'S FAVORITE LITERATURE CHARACTERS: Holden Clawfield Jay Catsby Catticus Finch (Credit: Buzzfeed)

Q. What did the cat do after her home was broken into? A. She called claw enforcement.