Dumb and Funny Jokes

Make anyone laugh with these stupid funny jokes.

Why so serious? Unleash your silly side and read up on our dumb jokes and stupid but funny jokes.

Start With a 5K…

One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k). “I’m considering it,” replied the second intern. Later, the first intern approached me...

Seen on an Online Forum:

“I hate audio correct.” Aaron Fernando, 
Richmond Hill, New York

Malapropisms on Twitter

“Time heals all wombs.” “The seizure salad … is so good.” “I have no clue why people don’t like hammy downs … Who doesn’t like free clothes?” Source: twitter.com

The Scale of The Situation

We were stocking up on green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl helping us for 15 pounds’ worth. “I can only sell you ten pounds...

Dubious Accomplishment #23

I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but 
I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school. From humorlabs.com

Idiots Abroad

The British foreign office helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded: • A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a...

Bad Typos in Real Newspapers

We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos: “Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.”     Modesto...

Yo Quiero a Clean Criminal Record

Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later …] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required. From notalwaysworking.com

Our Office Needs a 3D Printer

Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the...

Heading Off Criticism

Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines: Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement...

"You Need a Shorter Password."

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked,...

More Idiotic Job Applicant Blunders

We’ve been over this before: Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these job seekers had gotten the memo. • Applicant acted out a Star Trek role....

Virginal Word Choice

The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there...

Bad Soldier Mistakes

It’s important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from past gaffes: • “I was cold”...

spel chekers

On Facebook, the English language has few friends. Three examples: Post: I can’t stand people that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb. Response: Their, their,...

Urine Trouble Now

An irate patient called our pathology group, demanding that I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …”...

Sweet and LOL

When my customer ordered 
iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or 
unsweetened?” Her answer: “What’s the difference?” Ruth Anne Pluckhorn, Moorestown, New Jersey

Yahoo Questions

Yahoo Questions that will Destroy Your Faith in Humanity…. “Can I safely look at a picture of the sun?” “How can I be sure I’m the real mom of my...

Alphabet Soup or Salad?

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. “Maybe the list is alphabetical,” I offered. So he started searching from the bottom of...

Fast Friends

My husband was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop. “So,” the officer said, “have you...

Six Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court

“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you...

Trappiest Place on Earth

A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part...

Breakfast at Alcatraz

Three prisoners broke out of their cells and incited a riot. After they were caught, the warden asked why they had revolted. “Warden,” said one of the men, “we rebelled...

Weird Help Wanted

• Waitress wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years’ experience. • Piano player wanted. Must have knowledge of opening clams. • Now hiring cashier. Cannot look like “Skeletor”...

Testimony Taken Down by Me, a Court Reporter

Question: Now, to the best of your knowledge, did your internal bleeding stop? Answer: I hope so. Diane McElwee, Norfolk, Massachusetts

New From the China National Tourism Administration…

The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including: • Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts. • Don’t leave footprints...

“I Was Only Breaking the Law a Little!”

My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over. “Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the...

The Magic Penny

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going...

A Woman Went Tanning…

A woman went up to the roof-deck of her hotel to sunbathe. No one else was there, so she slipped out of her swimsuit to get an overall tan. A...

There Are Two Sure Things: Taxes, and Excuses

Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time. • My pet goldfish died.     —Self-employed builder • Our business doesn’t really do...

A Poor Ex-Spleen Nation

A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around. “What are you doing?” asked the professor. The student answered, “I’m...

Wanted: Human Torch

Who wouldn’t be inspired to hire this young man? If his cover letter is to be believed, he’s eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague: “I am...

State of Confusion

Scene: The office Me: We have to submit a form to 
every state. Coworker: All 51? Me: Fifty-one? Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good 
at geometry. —Jill Lloyd, Bexley, Ohio

Don’t Even Ask About Condiments…

Scene: office cafeteria line Friend: May I have pepper and salt? (Counter guy looks confused.) Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt? (Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.) Friend: No! Not that...

Color Me Stupid

A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer. Client: Can you make a color copy? Me: Do you have the original? Client: No. Just this one. Me:...

Hold the Presses!

Misadventures in headline writing from around the world: City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan) Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison...

Passive-Aggressive Notes Left for Noisy Neighbors:

• “Hi. Just thought you might like to know that I think your pet elephants have been bowling while you’re out. —Your Downstairs Neighbor.” • “Good morning! We hope your...

My Favorite Joke: Penn Jillette

Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke: Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other,...

Add Word, Ruin Movie

It doesn’t take much to ruin a film. Sometimes all you have to do is add a word to the title, such as: • The Girl with the Washable Dragon...

A police officer pulled over a guy…

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?” The driver said, “You buyin’?”

Happy Birthday, Facebook!

On February 4, we’ll celebrate ten years of people posting unintentionally funny status updates from their office cubicles when they should be working. Here are some of the crazier ones:...

The Sorry Saudi

A Saudi prince goes to America to study. A month later, he e-mails his father: “New York is wonderful, but I’m ashamed to go to school in my gold Mercedes...

Hut Glut

Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. —@Leemanish

Hope You Like Cheese!

A surveyor drops by Will’s farm in eastern Minnesota and announces that he has some bad news. “I discovered that your farm isn’t in Minnesota,” he says. “It’s actually in...

What’s the 311?

In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did. “Who won...

Safari, So Good

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles...

Hunting Trip Gone Wrong

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?” A soothing...

Fortune-Teller Fumble

A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how...

Last Words

A business executive visits his Chinese friend in the hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn’t...

That White House is Nice Too

Washington tourist on cell: “I found the house I want to live 
in when I move to DC, but then I found out it was the Smithsonian.” 
overheardeverywhere.com

Fleeced!

I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase. Adam Joshua Smargon, 
Newark, Delaware

A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.” “Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your...

This Weather is Hell

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead...

The Magic Beer

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s...

Read The Fine Print

Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: “We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget.” —Rachel Wagner, Bixby,...

Good News

Scene: Starbucks. Customer:  Hey, you lost a lot of weight. Barista: No, I gave birth two weeks ago. Customer: To a baby?

Water

My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?” Bemused,...

What's IQ Got to Do With It?

Sometimes men don’t date women for their IQs. Here are some examples: Today, my girlfriend asked me if my grandmother had any kids. My girlfriend and I went out to...

Lost Dog

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still...

Liquid Ban

Shortly after the FAA announced the ban on fluids, my husband was stopped by airport security because they found a bottle of water in one of his carry-on bags. “Sorry,”...

Handle With Care

You didn’t have to be a brain surgeon to figure out that a customer at our post office was an off-duty mail clerk from another plant. He’d written on his...

Going to the Dogs

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can...

The Trouble With Dating

Dating is complicated. You don’t believe us? Here are some examples: Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook. I...

How to Fail Driver’s Ed

As I quizzed my driver’s-education students about road signs, the one for Slow Moving Vehicle stumped them. So I offered them a hint by lifting the sign above my head...

Beyond Our Power

A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn’t come on. "I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard,"...

Funny Misprints

Mark Twain warned: “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” The same can be said for these English-challenged notes doctors wrote on patient charts: “The...

Life Experience

Experience is a great teacher, especially if it’s someone else who’s learning from his mistakes. These examples were sent to learnfrommyfail.failblog.org: “When holding a DVD in one hand and food...

Menu Item

I’d just sat down at a Manhattan diner when I noticed schav on the menu. Since I hadn’t had a bowl of the cold, sour soup in quite a while,...

Security System

When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy,...

Looking for the Problem

As we pulled into the parking lot, we saw a couple of people looking under the hood of their car. Concerned, Mom wondered aloud, "Do you think they have a...

Dumb Criminal

A job applicant’s polygraph test for the Washington State Patrol came to an abrupt end after officers discovered an interesting piece of literature on the front seat of his car....

In the Walls

While attending an open house, my wife was taken with the home’s modern features, especially the central vacuum system installed within the walls. But she had a practical question: "What...

Practice Round

After setting off the alarms at airport security, I was escorted behind a curtain. As two female officials "wanded" me, the senior officer gave instructions to the trainee on proper...