Dumb and Funny Jokes

We were stocking up on 
green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl 
helping us for 15 pounds’ worth. “I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.” Kerri Ingle, Shelby, Ohio

I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but 
I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school. From humorlabs.com

The British foreign office helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded: • A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a stone wanted assurance that 
it would not happen again. • A man asked consular staff in Stockholm to check the credentials of a woman whom he had met online. • A man asked staff in Rome to translate a phrase for a tattoo that he 
wanted. Source: gov.uk

We all make mistakes. Some 
are just more public than others, 
like these real newspaper typos: “Here the bridal couple stood, 
facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.”     Modesto News-Herald (California) “It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan) “Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.”    Ohio paper “A headline in an item in the 
Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’”    Enquirer-Bulletin From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir 
(Three Rivers Press)

Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later …] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required. From notalwaysworking.com

Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of 
an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine. Gordon Knight, Stamford, Connecticut

Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines: Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!” Headline: Maryland Agrees to 
Tobacco Settlement Response: “Well, that’s all we 
need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?” Headline: C.C. United Se Une 
Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro 
Centroamerica Response: “I was disgusted with 
the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.” From gcfl.net

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” Sharon McGinley, Talbott, Tennessee

We’ve been over this before: 
Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these 
job seekers had gotten the memo. • Applicant acted out a Star Trek role. • Applicant asked for a hug. • Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits. • Applicant crashed her car into 
the building. From CareerBuilder’s 2014 Interview Blunders Survey

The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football 
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.” Michele Metcalf, Louisville, Kentucky

It’s important that soldiers 
learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at 
inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from 
past gaffes: • “I was cold” is not a sufficient 
reason for being caught in the female barracks. • Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics. • Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone. • Do not attempt to shave with fire. • Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks 
so the general won’t have any questions during the inspection. From skippyslist.com

On Facebook, the English 
language has few friends. 
Three examples: Post: I can’t stand people 
that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb. Response: Their, their, calm down. Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days? Response: I just have a normal house. Post: I do not have patients for stupid today. Response: Patience.   Source: studentbeans.com, lamebook.com

An irate patient called our 
pathology group, demanding that 
I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …” She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!” —From gcfl.net

When my customer ordered 
iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or 
unsweetened?” Her answer: “What’s the difference?” Ruth Anne Pluckhorn, Moorestown, New Jersey

Yahoo Questions that will Destroy Your Faith in Humanity.... “Can I safely look at a picture of the sun?” “How can I be sure I’m the real mom of my kid?” “How do you get spaghetti stains out of underwear?” Source: buzzfeed.com

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. “Maybe the list is alphabetical,” 
I offered. So he started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q … Q … Q …” Charity McTarsney, Deltona, Florida

My husband was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop. “So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?” “Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a different way home from work.” Kimberly Owen, Paoli, Indiana

“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.” “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?” “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” From The Dumb Book (Reader’s Digest Books)

A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.” Conan O’Brien

Three prisoners broke out 
of their cells and incited a riot. 
After they were caught, the warden asked why they had revolted. “Warden,” said one of the men, “we rebelled because the food is 
awful.” “I see,” said the warden. “But what did you use to break the bars?” “The French toast.”

• Waitress wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years’ experience. • Piano player wanted. Must have knowledge of opening clams. • Now hiring cashier. Cannot look like “Skeletor” from “He-Man.” • Cab drivers wanted. Must have good driving & criminal record. Sources: top5.com, kulfoto.com, uselesshumor.com

Question: Now, to the best of your knowledge, did your internal bleeding stop? Answer: I hope so. Diane McElwee, Norfolk, Massachusetts

The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including: • Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts. • Don’t leave footprints on the toilet. • Don’t dry your underwear on lampshades. Source: list25.com

My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over. “Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.” “Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”  Pat Goetzinger, Lincoln, California

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!” From gcfl.net

A woman went up to the roof-deck of her hotel to sunbathe. No one else was there, so she slipped out of her swimsuit to get an overall tan. A few minutes later, she heard someone running up the stairs. “Excuse me, miss,” said the hotel manager. “We would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit.” “But I’m alone,” she said. “What difference does it make?” “A lot,” said the manager. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.” —Submitted by L. B. Weinstein, 
    Miami Beach, Florida

Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time. • My pet goldfish died. 
    —Self-employed builder • Our business doesn’t really do anything.     —Financial services firm • I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns.     —Accountant Source: HM Revenue & Customs

A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around. “What are you doing?” asked the professor. The student answered, “I’m looking for the other one.” —Alexandr Placar, Czech Republic

Who wouldn’t be inspired 
to hire this young man? If his 
cover letter is to be believed, he’s 
eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague: “I am a 
motivated, self-igniting person.” —Source: heartland.org

Scene: The office Me: We have to submit a form to 
every state. Coworker: All 51? Me: Fifty-one? Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good 
at geometry. —Jill Lloyd, Bexley, Ohio

Scene: office cafeteria line Friend: May I have pepper and salt? (Counter guy looks confused.) Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt? (Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.) Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt … Me: You know, like you shake it on? (Coworker looks over.) Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper! Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that? —From notalwaysworking.com

A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer. Client: Can you make a color copy? Me: Do you have the original? Client: No. Just this one. Me: Sorry, I can’t make color copies unless I have the original color version. Client (confused): Why can’t you just run it through the color copier? —From clientsfromhell.net

Misadventures in headline writing from around the world: City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan) Case of Innocent Man Freed 
After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas) British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk

• “Hi. Just thought you might like to know that I think your pet elephants have been bowling while you’re out. —Your Downstairs Neighbor.” • “Good morning! We hope your 
exorcism was successful last night. We do ask as a courtesy that you limit expelling demons to Friday or Saturday nights. Thank you in advance.” • “Dear Neighbor, Your car’s sound system is amazing. It is so loud and the bass is so rockin’ that it actually shakes all the apartment buildings 
in the complex. Awesome!” —Source: thepoke.co.uk

Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke: Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, 
before that last race …” “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says, “Funny, 
I felt a pinch in my hindquarters 
before the race that I won.” A dog walking by says, “You 
idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!” The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”

It doesn’t take much to ruin a film. Sometimes all you have to do is add a word to the title, such as: • The Girl with the Washable 
Dragon Tattoo • Game of Porcelain Thrones • The KFC Bucket List —From twitter.com/ruinmoviee

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?” The driver said, “You buyin’?”

On February 4, we’ll celebrate ten years of people posting unintentionally funny status updates from their office cubicles when they should be working. Here are some of the crazier ones: • STATUS: My baby boy is officially one year old!!!! Can’t believe it’s already been 656 days!   • STATUS: Craving food I don’t 
have. My first world problem 
this morning. COMMENT: Well, it’s kind of 
a third world problem too.   • STATUS: I think about him 31/7 cause he’s on my mind even when I’m sleeping. COMMENT: There’s still 24 hours in a day when you’re sleeping. STATUS: Wait, huh?   • STATUS: Dear Facebook, Thanks for informing me it’s my wife’s birthday today. Do you know what would be more useful?!?! Some kind of warning system ... i.e., notification that it’s her birthday in a few days! —From lamebook.com

A Saudi prince goes to America to study. A month later, he e-mails his father: “New York is wonderful, but I’m ashamed to go to school in 
my gold Mercedes because all my 
teachers travel by subway.” A few minutes later, his dad writes back: “Stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a subway too!”

Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. —@Leemanish

A surveyor drops by Will’s farm in eastern Minnesota and announces that he has some bad news. “I discovered that your farm isn’t in Minnesota,” he says. “It’s actually in Wisconsin.” Will lets out a sigh of relief. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time,” he says. “I was just telling my wife this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”

In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city's 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did. "Who won American Idol?" "Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?" "Can I claim my dog on my income tax?" Source: New York Magazine

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew 
is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Submitted by Ed Thompson, North Salem, New York

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?" A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead." After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "OK," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: “Do everything your boss says.” —Source: Funny in Korea Survey

A business executive visits his Chinese friend in the hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. “Li kai yang qi guan!” says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: “Get off my oxygen tube.” —Source: Funny in India Survey

Washington tourist on cell: “I found the house I want to live 
in when I move to DC, but then I found out it was the Smithsonian.” 
overheardeverywhere.com

I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase. Adam Joshua Smargon, 
Newark, Delaware

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.” “Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.” Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?” “They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” The guy proceeds to show him: He drinks some beer, jumps off the roof, flies around the building, and returns to his seat. “Amazing! Lemme try some of that,” the man says. He grabs the beer, downs it, leaps off the roof, 
and falls 30 feet to the ground. The bartender shakes his head and says to the first guy, “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: “We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget.” —Rachel Wagner, Bixby, Oklahoma

Scene: Starbucks. Customer:  Hey, you lost a lot of weight. Barista: No, I gave birth two weeks ago. Customer: To a baby?

My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. "Excuse me," said the woman, pointing to a pond. "What is that water made out of?" Bemused, my friend replied, "Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen." "See?" she said to her boyfriend. "I told you it wasn't real."

Sometimes men don't date women for their IQs. Here are some examples: Today, my girlfriend asked me if my grandmother had any kids. My girlfriend and I went out to dinner. We were going to get there 30 minutes early, so I told her to call to see if they could bump us up. The reservation was under my name. After being with me for a year, she didn't know how to say my last name. It took my girlfriend almost a full season of The Office to realize it wasn't a reality show.

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

Shortly after the FAA announced the ban on fluids, my husband was stopped by airport security because they found a bottle of water in one of his carry-on bags. "Sorry," the officer said, tossing the bottle into a bin of confiscated items, "but water is now considered a liquid."  

You didn't have to be a brain surgeon to figure out that a customer at our post office was an off-duty mail clerk from another plant. He'd written on his package, "Fragile: Toss Underhand."

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

Dating is complicated. You don't believe us? Here are some examples: Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook. I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep. My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through. I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.

As I quizzed my driver’s-education students about road signs, the one for Slow Moving Vehicle stumped them. So I offered them a hint by lifting the sign above my head and slowly parading up and down the room. One student thought he had it: "Wide load!" he called out.

A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn’t come on.

"I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.

Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"

Mark Twain warned: "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." The same can be said for these English-challenged notes doctors wrote on patient charts: "The patient is married but sexually active." "When standing with eyes closed, he missed his right finger to his nose and has to search for it on the left side." "She does indeed have a fear of frying and mental problems that she attributes to deep-fat fryers." "The patient is a 53-year-old police officer who was found unconscious by his bicycle." "Her father died from a heart attack at age 12."

Experience is a great teacher, especially if it’s someone else who’s learning from his mistakes. These examples were sent to learnfrommyfail.failblog.org: "When holding a DVD in one hand and food in the other, remember which hand has what when you take a bite." "When running errands where one stop involves going to a bank and one involves dropping off a firearm, drop off the firearm first." "If you’re prone to impulse purchases, stick to shoes, not tattoos." "When attending a funeral, never clap after the eulogy, regardless of how meaningful and heartfelt it was."

I’d just sat down at a Manhattan diner when I noticed schav on the menu. Since I hadn’t had a bowl of the cold, sour soup in quite a while, I ordered some.

"We don’t have it today," said the waitress.

"Oh, you have it only on certain days?" I asked.

"No, we never have it."

I was confused. "Then why is it on the menu?"

"Oh," she said with a shrug, "some people like it."

When a neighbor's home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: "Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."

As we pulled into the parking lot, we saw a couple of people looking under the hood of their car. Concerned, Mom wondered aloud, "Do you think they have a flat tire?"

A job applicant’s polygraph test for the Washington State Patrol came to an abrupt end after officers discovered an interesting piece of literature on the front seat of his car. The title of the book: How to Beat a Lie Detector Test.

While attending an open house, my wife was taken with the home’s modern features, especially the central vacuum system installed within the walls. But she had a practical question: "What do you do when all the walls fill up?"

After setting off the alarms at airport security, I was escorted behind a curtain. As two female officials "wanded" me, the senior officer gave instructions to the trainee on proper technique: first down the front of my body, then up the back of me, and—much to my embarrassment—up between my legs.

After she was done, her boss congratulated her.

"Great job," she said. "Now do it again. But this time, try turning on the wand."