Dumb and Funny Jokes

Hal's handyman wasn't the swiftest guy on earth. But he was cheap, and so was Hal, which is why he hired the guy to paint his porch for $50. "You tightwad," scolded Hal's wife. "Our porch covers half of the house! He'll be there for days." Hal simply smirked. An hour later, there was a knock at the door. The handyman had finished. "How did you get done so quickly?" Hal asked. "It was a piece of cake," the handyman replied. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."  

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, "Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you're going so fast down the middle of the road?" "Oh, it's okay, Officer," she replied. "I have a special license that allows me to drive like that." "Oh, yeah?" Let's see it." The cop looked at the license and then concluded, "Ma'am, there's nothing special about this. It's just a temporary license." "Look at the very bottom, though," the woman insisted. "See? It says 'Tear along the dotted line.'"

Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he'd bought the bull so she could come get it with the truck—and telegrams cost a dollar per word. Hoss thought hard for a minute. Finally he said, "All right. Here's my dollar. Go ahead and just make it this one word: Comfortable." "How's that going to get your point across?" the clerk asked, scratching his head. "Don't worry," Hoss said. "Sue's not the greatest reader. She'll say it real slow."

As a freelance secretary, I type story manuscripts. When an author pays me, I print the name of the story across the top of his check. Once when I took a check to the bank, the teller suddenly froze. Only after I had explained my procedure to a bank officer did the reason for the teller's reaction become clear. The story was called "Your Money or Your Life," and that, of course, was what I had written in bold letters across the top of the check.  

A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the backseat. "Sir," he says. "Why do you have all those knives?" "They're for my juggling act," the man replies. "Prove it," says the cop. The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as two men drive by. "Man," says one guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."  

I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance. "No, I don't need any help," he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, "I just stopped for the red light."

When the skipper of an Icelandic trawler accidentally rammed Englishman Jim Hughes's yacht, he caused $30,000 worth of damage. Exactly a year and a day before, reported the London Times, the skipper, Eriker Olafsson, had hit the same boat, causing $40,000 in damage. What are the odds of this happening twice? Pretty good, since Olafsson purposely steered toward Hughes to apologize for the previous year's collision.

During a business trip to Boeing's Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked "14,000 lbs." But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."