One-Liners

Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.

Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.

What Febreze Really Means

Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.” Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail

Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House

My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. Sarah Silverman

The Mark of Good Cleaning

Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could 
totally eat off this table. Matthew O’Brien @mattOB34

Zach Galifianakis on Laundry

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. Zach Galifianakis

Dating a Hoarder

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of. Sam Morril

BULLETIN: Stoop Sale

Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m. 
Throwing all my crap in the 
garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m. Ritch Duncan @ritchied

Megan Amram on Mystery

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it. @meganamram

The Star of Cake Boss Was Arrested…

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Comedian Joe Toplyn

When Smart is Too Smart

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone. @clarkekant

Parenting Fads According to The Onion

The latest parenting fads, 
according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become 
a partner in a successful...

@BillMurray on Child Naming

The cool part about naming 
your kid is you don’t have to add 
six numbers to make sure the name 
is available. @billmurray

Hedberg on Highlights

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

Airport Insecurity

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “

Waking Up is Hard to Do

I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill. @Popcorngoddess1

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for...

Steer Clear of this Joke

A farmer counted 196 cows in 
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Where are Average Things Manufactured?

  The satisfactory.

Did You Dye Your Beard?

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Robert Paul

The Wright Way to Give

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box 
of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of 
Band-Aids and said, “You two share.” Steven Wright

Mazel Tov, Mary!

Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally 
overboard. Andy Borowitz

Christmas Freedom

The holiday 
season:
a deeply religious 
time that each of us 
observes, in his own way, by going to the 
 mall of his choice. Dave Barry

Better Luck Next Year

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.” Bernard Manning

Insulting Santa

This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. Conan O'Brien

Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros: • Education: “I have...

It Beats a Board Meeting

The office Christmas party 
is a great opportunity to catch up 
with people you haven’t seen for 
20 minutes. @juliussharpe

A Fax?

You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993? From meetingboy.com

Sky's the Limit

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there. Source: propilots.org

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the...

Casting a Spell

Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye. @MattGoldich

Common Ground

The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera. @DCpierson

…And Your Little Blog, Too!

What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West? @Apocalypsehow

Say it With Your Pants

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman

You Get What You Pay For

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented. @JoeToplyn

Cut and Run

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut. @Bazecraze

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream. Submitted by Jesse Rehn, 
Green Bay, Wisconsin

The Greatest Disguise

I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks. Jimmy Kimmel

I Owe My Life to Justin Bieber…

… I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of 
his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up 
to...

Back To The Cleaners

My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for? @JoshGondelman

Or Maybe While Breakdancing

The worst time to have a heart 
attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin

A Colorful Diet

My parents used to stuff 
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...

The Better Paleo Diet

I’m on the Paleo diet, 
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers. @rexhuppke

You Are What Your Eat

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. Rob O’Reilly

A Holiday Quiz

“Pretend to be someone you’re 
not, and receive candy.” Quick: 
Halloween or 
Valentine’s Day? @aaronfullerton

I'm a Busy Ghost, People

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes 
to candy bars, the term fun-sized 
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...

The Face of Deception

“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar Myq Kaplan

The Real Reason For Shaving Cream

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard … 
or is it just so you don’t lose your place? Jackie Flynn

When is Your Beard Too Long?

When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!” Ron Babcock

Facial Deduction

Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?” No, I shave my photos. Sean Morey

Pick a 'Vember, Any 'Vember

While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up. @ChrisThayerSays

The Spirit of Movember

I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for 
how lazy I am. Tim Siedell

Miles and Gigabytes Away

Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet. @Bridger_w

Air Force Truisms

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”...

Terrified: The Only Way to Fly

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly 
from New York 
to Tokyo in one 
hour. Apparently, 
the engines are 
powered by 
human...

A Moment of Reflection

I shave each morning in front 
of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than 
it actually appears. Submitted by Philip Rogers, 
Latham, New York

Start Over, Por Favor?

After 12 years of therapy, 
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.” Comedian Ronnie Shakes

From Your Lips to God’s…Lips

In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost. @IamEnidColeslaw

Prepare for Takeoff

Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it? Comedian Sean O’Connor

Projecting Happiness

One hard thing to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector. @juliussharpe

A Thanksgiving Problem

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand. @ConanOBrien

Doing The Man Dance

If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen 
me dancing at a concert. @SammyRhodes

The Maximum-Security Bathroom

If a company’s most valuable 
resource is its people, how come 
the employees aren’t locked up, 
but the toilet paper is in a 
reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted...

Militant Roaches

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it. —Comedian Jay London

A Watched Pot Never Boils…

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid. Lesley Wake

If Truth Be Beauty…

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library? Lily Tomlin

If You Can't Beat 'Em…

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten. George Carlin

Where There's A Will…

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Ricky Gervais

A Penny Saved…

A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years. @Keatingthomas

Tech-No-Limits

Can a 3-D printer make ink 
cartridges for a 2-D printer? Comedian Joe Mande

The Other Mortal Coils

I told the kids I never want to 
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from 
a bottle. So they unplugged my 
computer and threw out...

Iced to Eat You

Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer! @SCbchbum

Wax On, Mouth Off

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts. Comedian Myq Kaplan

I Never Feel More…

I never feel more privileged 
than when I get angry about a website design. Comedian Kelly Oxford