Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.
—Craig Ferguson
RD.COM Jokes One-Liners Page 5
One-Liners
Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.
Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.
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There are only two types of computers…
There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.
—anonymous
There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.
—anonymous
I’d like the window…
I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.
—@AaronFullerton
I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life. —@AaronFullerton
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A Digital Dictionary
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
—Dave Barry
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
—Dave Barry
One can play…
“One can play at this game ...” —me to my computer solitaire.
—@meganamram
“One can play at this game ...” —me to my computer solitaire.
—@meganamram
Bark-alaureate of Fine Arts
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.
—@SCbchbum
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.
—@SCbchbum
The Latest Craze
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.
—@ClarkeKant
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.
—@ClarkeKant
The Limits of Technology
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
—Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
—Emo Philips
A Mother’s Lament
Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before.
Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois
Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before.
Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois
Tip from an Office Drone
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.
—@9to5Life
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.
—@9to5Life
Words Save Lives
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
—Comedian John McDowell
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living. —Comedian John...
The Road to Recovery
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
—@RickCouchman
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
—@RickCouchman
Hut Glut
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
—@Leemanish
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
—@Leemanish
New York Strait of Mind
"The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is."
—Jimmy Fallon
“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test....
If Men Have a Smell…
If men have a smell, it's usually an accident.
—Jeff Foxworthy
If men have a smell, it's usually an accident.
—Jeff Foxworthy
The Meaning of Life
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
—George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
—George Carlin
It’s Not That I’m Afraid to Die…
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
—Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
—Woody Allen
It’s Not That Small
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
—Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
—Steven Wright
If You Stop Eating Doughnuts…
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut.
—Lewis Black
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut.
—Lewis Black
Founding Fallacy
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
—Stephen Colbert
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
—Stephen Colbert
If God Wanted us to Fly…
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
—Mel Brooks
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
—Mel Brooks
A Little Levity
I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.
I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.
Picketing Problem
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
—Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
—Mitch Hedberg
The Beauty of the Dictionary
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
—Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
—Steven Wright
Why Babies Cry on Planes
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.
—Rob Delaney
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.
—Rob Delaney
Philosophy Lesson
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
—George Carlin
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
—George Carlin
I Saw a Wino…
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
—Mitch Hedberg
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
—Mitch Hedberg
I Never Use A Napkin…
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself.
—Hannibal Buress
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself.
—Hannibal Buress
I Never Forget a Face…
I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
Why I Like Long Walks
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
—Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
—Fred Allen
I Haven’t Slept…
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
—Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
—Mitch Hedberg
What a Ripoff
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
—Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
—Steven Wright
I Always Wanted…
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin
Psychics Down On Their Luck?
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
—Jay Leno
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
—Jay Leno
The Beauty of a Bookstore
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
—Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
—Jerry Seinfeld
Give Me Golf Clubs…
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
—Jack Benny
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
—Jack Benny
So Math=The Devil
Equations are the devil's sentences.
—Stephen Colbert
Equations are the devil's sentences.
—Stephen Colbert
Don’t Sweat the Petty Things
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
—George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
—George Carlin
Clones
Clones are people two.
Clones are people two.
Highway Adoption
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
—Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
—Zach Galifianakis
In Defense of Football
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
—Craig Ferguson
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
—Craig Ferguson
Pirate Logic
An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates.
—Brandon Specktor
An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates.
—Brandon Specktor
Romance, Defined
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
—Kristen Schaal
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
—Kristen Schaal
Freudian Slip
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A Feminist Jumps Out of a Manhole
A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that.
—Bill Bailey
A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that.
—Bill Bailey
I Always Wanted to Be Somebody
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
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“Wait, What Time Is It??”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped.
—Lena Dunham
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped.
—Lena Dunham
GPS, Don’t Fail Me Now!
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.
Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.
Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot
It Came Back to Haunt Him
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
—Johnny Carson
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
—Johnny Carson
A Diamond Key
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
—Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
—Joan Rivers
A Study in Contrasts
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
—Jim Eason
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
—Jim Eason
Why Marriage is Difficult
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
—Richard Pryor
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
—Richard Pryor
Simplicity is Best
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
—Johnny Carson
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
—Johnny Carson
It Was a Long Game
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.
—Bob Hope
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.
—Bob Hope
To Grandmother’s House We Go
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
—Rita Rudner
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
—Rita Rudner
The Young and the Restful
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
—Bill Cosby
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
—Bill Cosby
Trouble Remembering
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.
—Fred Allen
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.
—Fred Allen
Car Troubles
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
—George Carlin
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
—George Carlin
Seriously?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
—Jim Carrey
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
—Jim Carrey
The Secret to Errands
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
—Red Skeleton
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
—Red Skeleton
Fade Into Darkness
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
—Steve Martin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
—Steve Martin
Here, Take My Money
You don't pay taxes—they take taxes.
—Chris Rock
You don't pay taxes—they take taxes.
—Chris Rock
Sore Loser
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.
—Martina Navratilova
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.
—Martina Navratilova
Sleep Walking
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
—Bill Cosby
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
—Bill Cosby
Is It Working?
When in doubt, look intelligent.
—Garrison Keillor
When in doubt, look intelligent.
—Garrison Keillor
What Poor Timing
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
—Garrison Keillor
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
—Garrison Keillor
I’ll Dream of it Instead
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
—Mindy Kaling
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
—Mindy Kaling
Ain’t That the Truth
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.
—Julia Child
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.
—Julia Child
The Millennial Breakfast Club
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
—Jon Stewart
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
—Jon Stewart
America’s Passtime
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
—Chris Rock
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
—Chris Rock
Hey Kid…
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
—Paula Poundstone
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
—Paula Poundstone
The Common Man’s Definition
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of.
—Burt Bacharach
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of.
—Burt Bacharach
Which is More Useful?
A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.
—Josh Hodgman
A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.
—Josh Hodgman