Bad Puns

Choo Choo!

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Oh, Man!

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

RIP

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?  It was a grave mistake.

Waste of Time

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.  What a waste of thyme.

A Little Off-Balance

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.  A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A Smoking-Hot Deal

The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?”

A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.”
The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”

Reach!

Why not go out on a limb? Isn’t that where all the fruit is?

 

String Fight

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Toucans

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Soda to the Head

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Burial Plot

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Spaghetti Bike

I told my mom I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

Kleptomania

I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

Ten Different Puns

Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Antenna Love

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Donut Factory

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? – She was fed up with the hole business.

Chinese Vandalism

Did you hear the news about that Chinese restaurant that got vandalized? It was an act of wonton destruction.

Buried Alive

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? – It was a grave mistake.

Eskimos in a Kayak

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Become more interesting every week!

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