A livestock truck overturned in my town, and the accident made the local news. The young reporter who covered the story declared on camera, "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into nearby woods."

At the studio there was muffled laughter as they cut to a commercial. After the break, the reporter sheepishly added, "About that overturned truck—make those Black Angus cattle."

 

 

After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Why, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother be needing a rental car?"

 

 

Noted at the bottom of a receipt for funeral arrangements:

"Thank you. Please come again."

 

 

 

 

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?" A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"

Thanks to my daughter, I have become thoroughly sensitized to environmental issues. Recently I purchased a greeting card, and when the cashier started to place it in a plastic bag, I remembered my daughter's repeated warnings and immediately declined its use.

"I'll be mailing that quickly," I told the clerk. "You can take the bag back."

"Okay. Have a good day," she said with a smile. Then I watched as she scrunched the bag into a ball and tossed it into the garbage.

 

 

My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. Disney World."

On the afternoon of Administrative Professionals Day, my co-worker and I finally found the time to get gifts for our secretaries. While at the store, my colleague noticed my disappointment when I discovered the shop didn't provide gift wrapping. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"They won't wrap the gifts for us," I answered.

"No problem," he said quickly. "I'll ask my secretary to do it."

One night about 10 p.m., I answered the phone and heard, "Dad, we want to stay out late. Is that okay?"

"Sure," I answered, "as long as you called."

When I hung up, my wife asked who was on the phone.

"One of the boys," I replied. "I gave them permission to stay out late."

"Not our boys," she said. "They're both downstairs in the basement."

A teller at the bank where I work noticed that a drive-in customer was writing something on one of the documents he was going to place in the transaction basket. As she looked at the contents of the basket, she saw "This is robbery!" printed on one of his bills to be paid.

She panicked, looked up at the man in the car and asked in a shaky voice, "What do you want?" The customer, realizing the teller's apprehension, began apologizing. "I'm so sorry! That wasn't for you—it's a message for the electric company."

I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who's three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye.

Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers through my hair—and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes that had been lovingly placed there hours before.

Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"

Heard on my cable company's answering machine:

"We realize you are still holding. Please do not hang up, as this will further delay your call." xml

Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where'd you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"

 

 

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising salesman offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards. "Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked. "That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?" "Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it."  

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

 

As a 911 dispatcher, I speak to people in various states of panic. One day, a woman called saying that a family member had fallen and needed help.

"Do you know what caused the fall?" I asked.

"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

 

 

Parents are justifiably upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try another school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested. 

"Another school!" exclaimed Mom. "Have you seen her grades?"

 

 

I was delighted to discover that I could play compact discs in the new computer my company had given me. One morning I was enjoying one of my favorite Beethoven pieces when an administrative assistant stopped by to deliver a stack of papers.

Hearing classical music filling the air, she stopped and exclaimed, "Poor you. They put you on hold?"

 

 

Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.

"Blood," orders the first vampire.

"Make it two," says the second.

The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"

"Plasma," says the vampire.

"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."

 

 

My wife's car horn began to beep in cold weather and would only stop when she disconnected it. So she disabled the horn and drove to the dealership, whose garage had its door shut to keep out the cold. Outside was a sign: "Honk horn for service."

Coincidences were flying when a man was arrested and charged with stealing a bird feeder from Cornell University's ornithology laboratory. According to the Associated Press, police charged James Buzzard, 44, who lives on Cardinal Drive in Ithaca, N.Y., with stealing the feeder from the lab on Sapsucker Woods Road.

Searching in my library for two books by communications expert Deborah Tannen turned into an Abbott and Costello routine. "What's the first book?" the librarian asked.

"That's Not What I Meant," I said.

"Well, what did you mean?"

"That's the title of the book," I explained.

"Okay." She looked at me a little skeptically. "And the other book?"

"You Just Don't Understand."

"Excuse me?"

I got both books. Eventually.

 

 

While on vacation, my wife and I stopped for lunch at a diner. We sat at the counter, right next to the grill. The cook was a young man who was very busy flipping pancakes. Every so often, he would stop and hit the grill with the handle of the spatula. Finally I asked him facetiously, "Does that improve the taste of the pancakes?"

"No," he replied. "That keeps the handle from falling off."

 

 

Our copier was on the fritz so I put a note on it: "Service has been called." When the technician told me he had to order parts, I added a second note: "Parts have been ordered."

During the next five days, when we had to use an older, slower copier on the other side of the building, someone taped a third note to the machine: "Prayers have been said."

 

 

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

 

 

The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious. While talking with friends, my husband, Byron, accidentally hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's horn blared and its lights flashed.

Watching Byron fumble with the button, his friend teased, "Wouldn't it have been in better taste to put a few lines in the church bulletin?"

 

 

Did you hear about the college professor who was involved in a terrible car wreck? He was grading papers on a curve.

A favorite beach restaurant of ours has a simple way of advertising its hours. During the day, the window panes sport large letters spelling "Open."

After hours, the "N" is moved forward to spell "Nope."

Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."

 

 

As a fund-raiser, the chemistry club designed and sold T-shirts. Written across the front were our top "Stupid Chemistry Sayings":

• Have yourself a Merry Little Bismuth

• What do you do with dead people? Barium

• You stupid boron!

• We hope your year is very phosphorous.

Everyone at the company I worked for dressed up for Halloween. One fellow's costume stumped us. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across the front in glitter. When someone finally asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, "I'm a temp."

 

 

When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car's license plate was stolen. We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail.

After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license-plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely. Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us.

Our sign read "Just Married!"

 

 

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.

Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $5,000 in it."

 

 

Touring Ireland's countryside with a group of travel writers, we passed an immaculate cemetery with hundreds of beautiful headstones set in a field of emerald green grass. Everyone reached for their cameras when the tour guide said the inventor of the crossword puzzle was buried there. He pointed out the location, "Three down and four across."

 

 

Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged staff appeared on the company's website with the following words underneath:

"Updated daily."

 

 

Everything is expensive in the upscale resort town where we live, and part of what you pay for is attitude. I realized this after I bought a couple pounds of hamburger at the fancy market on Main Street.

When I was taking the meat out of the bag at home, I noticed the label, "Ground Charles."

 

 

The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. He said he didn't know.

"Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" I asked, "or 5,000?"

He said the numbers sounded high. "What month is this?" he asked. I told him it was July.

"Maybe this will help," he said. "I filled the car with gas in February."

 

 

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, "Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you're going so fast down the middle of the road?" "Oh, it's okay, Officer," she replied. "I have a special license that allows me to drive like that." "Oh, yeah?" Let's see it." The cop looked at the license and then concluded, "Ma'am, there's nothing special about this. It's just a temporary license." "Look at the very bottom, though," the woman insisted. "See? It says 'Tear along the dotted line.'"

My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was "it." After a few minutes I located all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but could not find me.

Finally one of my sons got a bright idea. He went to the phone and dialed; they found me immediately because my phone started ringing.

 

 

Our office building's only elevator was acting up. When I rode it to the lobby on my way to lunch, the door refused to open. Trying not to panic, I hit the emergency button, which triggers an automatic call to the repair service.

Through the speaker in the elevator, I heard the call going through and then a recorded announcement: "The area code of the number you dialed has been changed. The new area code is 810. Please hang up and dial again."

 

 

 

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

Following months of marijuana drug busts, the DEA took the contraband into a remote region to burn. The fire was blazing brightly when an agent noticed that a flock of terns was flying around the area. Concerned about the effects of the smoke on the birds, they called the National Audubon Society.

Their worst fears were confirmed. There was not one tern left unstoned.

Seattle has a reputation for rainy weather, so it wasn't surprising when Wang's Chinese Buffet restaurant started advertising "Dim Sun on Weekends."

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.

 

 

Some of my co-workers and I decided to remove the small, wooden suggestion box from our office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a seven-foot-high metal storage cabinet and then promptly forgot about it. Months later, when the box was moved during remodeling, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read, "Lower the box!"

 

The New York-New Jersey Trail Conference was preparing to move from its longtime home in New York City to Mahwah, N.J. The day before the big move, the following sign appeared on the door:

"Here today, gone to Mahwah."

One of my pet peeves as a musician in a symphony orchestra is trying to follow the erratic beat of famous guest conductors. I didn't realize how strongly the rest of the musicians felt until we were talking to someone from a university physics department at a reception. When I asked him what his field was, he answered, "I work with semiconductors." "So do we," I heard a colleague mutter.

 

 

I was waiting to board a plane in Houston when a flight attendant stopped a woman in front of me to question her about the number of carry-on bags she had. The woman vehemently defended herself, claiming the extra bag was really her purse. It was the size of a large briefcase, but she insisted that it shouldn't count as a carry-on item. The flight attendant finally let the woman pass.

As the next man stepped up, the flight attendant's gaze settled on his bags. Immediately, he held up his briefcase and exclaimed, "This is my wallet."

Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful names. Entrants included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.  

Approaching a GI who had just arrived in South Vietnam, I asked him how long he expected to be here. "Well," he replied, "the sergeant told us we'd be here for 12 months and two Bob Hope specials or one Purple Heart, whichever comes first."

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.

A friend of mine was enjoying his new car's powerful sound system by driving along with the volume way up. At a traffic light, he heard someone shout, "Hey, do you mind?"

Stopped next to him was a young man in an open convertible. He pointed to an object in his hand and said, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

 

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"

Shortly after my son started college, the president of the university had an assembly for the new students. "Welcome to Johns Hopkins," he began, "And please note that it's Johns, not John."

Then he told how one of his predecessors, Milton Eisenhower, had been invited to talk at the University of Pittsburgh. After he was introduced as the president of "John Hopkins," Eisenhower said, "Thank you. It's great to be in Pittburgh."

Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic. 

The computer recorded: "Murry fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow."

 

 

 

My husband, Daniel, had been promoted to a newly created position. He was eager to find out what his official title was, so when his business cards finally arrived, I was surprised that he seemed reluctant to show me. After some persuasion, Daniel gave me a card, naming him director of product efficiency. "Wow," I responded, "that sounds impressive." "Not really," Daniel replied as he removed my thumb from the acronym underneath. It read DOPE.    

I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.

The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."

 

 

Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare when a burly biker wearing black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley Davidson. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley? I wonder if he's…" Just then the traffic cleared and he pulled in front of me. On the back of his helmet were stenciled the words "Yes it is. No I'm not."

During the latter stages of my pregnancy, I brought a cushion to work to make my chair more comfortable. One afternoon I returned from lunch to find my chair had been pushed to the far side of my work area.

"Looks like someone's been sitting in my chair," I commented to one of my co-workers.

Glancing down at my stomach, she said, "Looks like someone's also been sleeping in your bed."

 

 

While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my new license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O." "Here," the woman standing next to me answered. Curious, I asked if she was married to a farmer, or maybe taught preschool. "Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."

An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. After completing the tour, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question. There, a distinguished elderly gentleman was keeping track of the number of visitors in the old tried-and-true method of drawing IIII IIII on a sheet of paper.

 

 

Our newer, high-speed computer was in the shop for repair, and my son was forced to work on our old model with the black-and-white printer.

"Mom," he complained to me one day, "this is like we're living back in the twentieth century."

 

Today was the day. I was going to get a tattoo. I walked into a local shop to check out their designs. But I had second thoughts when I noticed the two "artists" working there had the last names of Pane and Burns.

 

 

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver. Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the "Print" command. The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid's ten-page report.

The topic? "Save Our Trees."

 

 

When a woman came through my cashier's line at Wal-Mart, her purchase came to twenty dollars. "That's what I had in my hand. You must be psychic," she joked.

"I am," I teased. "I knew exactly how much you wanted to spend."

The next customer stepped up and, looking at me with a big grin, pulled out a one-dollar bill.

 

 

The trials and tribulations of our sons, daughters, parents, and friends in the military.

In a lecture to a group of Korean officers, Lieut. Gen. Bruce C. Clarke, at that time deputy commander of the Eighth Army in Korea, took two or three minutes to tell his favorite joke. His interpreter then quickly translated the joke, using only seven or eight words. Everyone immediately burst into hearty laughter. After the lecture General Clarke asked the interpreter how he had been able to retell such a relatively long joke so quickly.

"Well, sir," the Korean interpreter replied, "I didn't think everyone would get the point, so I said, 'The general has just told a joke. Everyone will please laugh.'"

 

 

The trials and tribulations of our sons, daughters, parents, and friends in the military.

During my Air Force basic training, I cracked the frames of my eyeglasses. After taping them, I applied for new frames. I didn't get them, so I applied again at each base to which I was sent. After four years, and just before my discharge, I received nine sets of frames—all marked "Rush."

 

 

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

One day, the president of the company came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firm's cash. The boss asked, "Where did you get your financial training, young man?"

"Yale," the young man answered proudly.

"Ah, a fellow Ivy Leaguer! What's your name?"

"Yack Yackson."

 

 

A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. "I told you that my last name is Sweady," he said, "but you have it listed as Cyirwu."

"I'm sorry, sir," the phone company rep said. "I'll fix it so it'll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now how do you spell your name?"

"Just like I told you before," the customer said. "It's S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u and Y as in you."