Q. Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A. He’ll dessert you.
Man: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack. I don’t have a mansion like Russell. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.”
Woman: “Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?”
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.
That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
“You came home early from your date,” John observed to his roommate. “What happened?”
“Well,” said the flatmate, “after dinner she invited me up to her flat. We had a couple of drinks and she put on some soft music. Then she reached over and turned out the lights.”
“So, what next?” asked John, eyebrows raised.
“I can take a hint,” said his flatmate. “I came home.”
AN OLDER WOMAN runs into her friend at the mall. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said. “I found an old lamp the other day. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He explained that genies don’t give three wishes anymore, but he did offer me a choice between one of two wishes. He could give me a better memory or turn my husband into the greatest lover ever.”
“Tough choice,” said her friend. “Which one did you choose?”
“That’s the thing. I can’t remember.”
Q: Why does Cupid always make so much money at the casino?
A: Because he’s a Valentine’s Card Shark.
Q: What did one mushroom say to the other on Valentine’s Day?
A: “There’s so mushroom in my heart for you!”
What’s the perfect thing to say to a coffee-lover on Valentine’s Day?
“Words cannot espresso what you mean to me.”
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine’s Day.
When she asked why, I said, “I cannoli be happy when I’m with you.”
Q. What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A. One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.