Animal Jokes

A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An Investigator!

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A: “Dam!”

Q. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert?

A. A pie-thon!

Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A: A giraffic jam

Q: What happened when the frog’s car broke down on the side of the road?

A: It gets toad away.

Q: What’s the smartest animal?

A: A fish because they stay in schools!

Q: Why did the whale cross the street?

A: To get to the other tide.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Q: How much money does a skunk have?
A: One scent!

Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A. A walkie-talkie!

Q. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?

A. Swimming trunks!

Q: What type of market should you NEVER take your dog?

A: A flea market!

Q: Which dog breed is guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes?

A: A Chi-ha-ha!

Q: What kind of math do owls like?

A: Owlgebra

Q: Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?

A: She got too jumpy!

Q: Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her vacation?

A: She only had a little trunk.

Hippo 1: You look like you’re gaining weight.

Hippo 2: That’s very hippo-critical of you.

Q: Where are fish in orbit?

A: In trout-er space

Q: Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted?

A: His qualifications were completely irrelephant.

1.     Q: If you have 15 cows and 5 goats what would you have?

A: Plenty of milk!

Q: How long do chickens work?

A: Around the cluck!

Q: Why do birds fly south in the Fall?

A: Because it’s too far to walk.

Q. Why are fish so good at watching their weight?

A. Because they have lots of scales!

Q. What did the leopard say after finishing a delicious meal?

A. “That hit the spot!”

Q. Why shouldn’t you play basketball with a pig?

A. Because it’ll hog the ball!

Q. What’s the first thing you should do if a bull charges you?

A. Pay him!

Q. Where do shellfish go to borrow money?

A. The prawn broker.

Q. What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?

A. Can you please be more Pacific?

Q. Why is a bee’s hair always sticky?

A. Because it uses a honey comb!

You would think that taking off a snail’s shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.

Q: What is black, white, and red all over?
A: A sunburnt penguin!

Q: Why do cows go to New York?
A: To see the moosicals!

Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation?
A: The baaaahamas

Q: Where do orcas hear music?
A: Orca-stras!

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Q. What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day?

A. You’re purrr-fect for me.

Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview?

A. “I believe I am koala-fied for this position.”

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’.  Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm. 

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

         “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.

         “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

         “So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

         “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”

         The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”

         The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”

An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.

Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby.

Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?”

He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.”

Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads.

As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road. I stopped, turned around and followed it.
After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard.
I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.” The old man said, “Yep.” So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.”
I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?” He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we never could catch one.”

When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.

While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg.
Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.

During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank.

A lady on the tour said, “Oh, look! This rancher put up a fan to cool the animals!”

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden

A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:

• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

From gcfl.net

Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.

@SeanWhiteComedy (Sean Gilbert White)

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Jay Leno

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Rita Rudner

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.

@shutupmikeginn

“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom

 Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

Harry Hill

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.

anonymous

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

Submitted by Norie Bloom, Honolulu, Hawaii

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

—Reid Faylor

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”

@NicCageMatch

Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”

Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey

Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?

A: To get to the other side.

A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

Submitted by M. S., via Internet

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”