Animal Jokes

Q. Why shouldn’t you play basketball with a pig? A. Because it’ll hog the ball!

Q. What’s the first thing you should do if a bull charges you? A. Pay it!

Q. Where do shellfish go to borrow money? A. The prawn broker.

Q. What does a dolphin say when he’s confused? A. Can you please be more Pacific?

Q. Why is a bee’s hair always sticky? A. Because it uses a honey comb!

You would think that taking off a snail’s shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.

Q: What is black, white, and red all over? A: A sunburnt penguin!

Q: Why do cows go to New York? A: To see the moosicals!

Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation? A: The baaaahamas

Q: Where do orcas hear music? A: Orca-stras!

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Q. What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A. You’re purrr-fect for me.

Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview? A. “I believe I am koala-fied for this position.”

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork […]

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’.  Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm. “Good […]

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.” He goes up to the pub, and […]

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. […]

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”          “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the […]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.          “So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.          “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in […]

An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists.

Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned […]

When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs. While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of […]

During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank. A lady on the tour said, “Oh, look! This rancher put up a fan to cool the animals!”

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden  

A few months ago, Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: […]

Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if 
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy 
(Sean Gilbert White)

A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you. Jay Leno

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn

“We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” Submitted by Norie Bloom, 
Honolulu, Hawaii

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him. —Reid Faylor

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A: A mechanic.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer. @FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch

Wandering inside a pet store, 
I stopped in front of a birdcage to 
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?” Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant? George Carlin