“Um.” —First horse that got ridden
“Um.” —First horse that got ridden
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Free Schmuelly
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.
@SeanWhiteComedy (Sean Gilbert White)
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom
Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Submitted by Norie Bloom,
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”
Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”
My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”
Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey
Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?
A: To get to the other side.
A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”
Submitted by M. S., via Internet
When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.
In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”
A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.
After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow.
“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”
“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah’s Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, “I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!”
—Source: Funny in Brazil Survey
Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit?
It was the herd shot around the world.
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ……………. and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can’t remember the words.
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.
“Who are you?” the burglar asks.
“Moses,” the bird replied.
“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.
“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?” The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes.
— Russell Brand
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.
“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”
When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.
"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.
Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.
A bilingual road sign in Wales caught bikers off guard. The English part read Cyclists Dismount. The Welsh: Llid Y Bledren Dymchwelyd, or "Bladder disease has returned." One theory for the mistake—instead of typing cyclist into an online translation program, someone typed cystitis.
When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”
The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn’t say how many birds there were. “The last thing I was going to do was look up,” he told CNN.
I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.
Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams “I’m a star!” Like these actual pet names …
Alexander the Grey
A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.
Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: "Yeah, the service stinks!"
Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That’s him," comes the reply.
"He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I’m putting on my shoes!"
A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.
"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"
The cat replies, "Um, I’m a gnome."
Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”
“An iPod?” she guessed.
“Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.”
A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."
Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.
"I’m okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."
My wife’s response: "Who?"
Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. “Another one?” says his father. “That’s the second glass this month.”
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try."
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
—Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )
“For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.”
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don’t you just take it to the zoo?"
The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep. "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.
"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I’m taking him to the movies."
A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.
In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.
"Run! Run!" the manager screams.
"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."
Cow’s don’t "who" they "MOO"
During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.
"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.
Her husband’s slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That’s great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.
“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes … she was a mess.
"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.
"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I’m going to be sick, I might as well have company."
This report from an agent landed on my desk in the auto claims division of our insurance company: "Driver encountered a large deer that jumped out from the woods to challenge his vehicle. The deer attacked his vehicle without having any insurance."
John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John’s grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"
For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don’t want to hear any more about it!"
Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car."
The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"
Whenever my family leaves the house, our Shetland sheepdog’s animal instincts start to kick in.
He runs circles around us and nips at our heels to keep us all together.
Watching this display, my friend couldn’t resist: "You always herd the ones you love."
I was shopping in the pet section of my local supermarket when I overheard a woman singing the praises of a particular water bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded, holding the doggie dish out for her husband’s inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things: "Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."
Coincidences were flying when a man was arrested and charged with stealing a bird feeder from Cornell University’s ornithology laboratory. According to the Associated Press, police charged James Buzzard, 44, who lives on Cardinal Drive in Ithaca, N.Y., with stealing the feeder from the lab on Sapsucker Woods Road.
My law partner was presenting a no-fault divorce case to an Ohio domestic-relations court. The couple involved had no children, but they did have a dog, of whom both were very fond.
My partner stated that both parties agreed to share whatever medical expenses might be necessary for the care of the animal. They also agreed that the wife would have custody, but that the husband would be allowed visitation rights.
The judge, looking somewhat startled, peered down at the husband and asked, "Is this true?"
The husband replied, "Yes, Your Honor."
"Well," intoned the judge, with a trace of a smile on his face, "you should know that there is nothing this court can do for you if the dog refuses to see you."
The vet prescribed daily tablets for our geriatric cat, Tigger, and after several battles my husband devised a way to give her the medication. It involved wrapping Tigger in a towel, trapping her between his knees, forcing her mouth open and depositing the pill on the back of her tongue.
David was proud of his resourcefulness until one hectic session when he lost control of both cat and medicine. Tigger leaped out of his grasp, paused to inspect the tablet—which had rolled across the floor—and then ate it.
Each morning at 5:30, I take my Lhasa Apso, Maxwell, for a walk. He has the bad habit of picking up bits of paper or other trash along the way. When he does, I command him to “drop it,” and he usually complies.
One morning, though, he absolutely refused to drop a piece of litter. So I told him to “sit” and then approached him to see what his treasure was. It was a $10 bill.
Our cat, Figaro, comes home between 10 or 11 at night to eat. If he’s late, I turn on the carport light and call him until he appears.
One day my daughter was explaining to a friend where we live, and her friend said, "Is that anywhere near the house where the woman stands on her steps late at night and sings opera?"
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff’s department canine division. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.
Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: “Veterinarian’s Office.”
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn’t like men."
Perfect, my sister-in-law thought, and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn’t kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
One day while we were doing yard work, my nine-year-old daughter found a baby snake, and I encouraged her to catch it and put it in a jar. Later she found a huge bullfrog and got another jar to put it in.
After dark I told her she would have to set them free. With the frog in one hand and the snake in the other, she started down the porch steps. Suddenly she screamed wildly, dropped both the snake and the frog, and ran into the house.
"What happened?" I asked, my heart thumping.
"Did you see that?" she replied. "That moth almost got me."
Are we poisonous?
I don’t know. Why?
I just bit my lip.
As I was walking through a variety store, I stopped at the pet department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on his back, one foot hooked oddly into the cage wire.
I was about to alert the saleswoman to the bird’s plight when I noticed a sign taped to the cage: "No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way."
I bought my sons a pet rabbit after they promised they would take care of it. As expected, I ended up with the responsibility. Exasperated, one evening I said, "How many times do you think that rabbit would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?"
"Once," my 12-year-old son replied.
A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark."
"You’re crazy! He’ll rip you limb from limb," the feeder said, laughing. "But, hey, if you’re so brave, be my guest."
The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.
"I thought you could hypnotize him," sneered the feeder.
"I did," the hypnotist said, holding his arm. "Now he thinks he’s an alligator."
“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year-old son.
“Bob,” he said.
“And your cat?”
“How do you keep them straight?”
“Well one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered.
“Tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said, “Dennis Hopper.”
We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.
Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.” “Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”
My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet store to buy Slinky’s dinner.
The worst part of this wasn’t choosing the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you for giving me a home."
Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species. In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.
“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”
“Well, Your Honor,” the hiker replies, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”
An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”
“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”
She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”
My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium of exotic fish, and a prized specimen had threatened to turn belly up. The off-duty officer called a pet store, and they advised him to immediately purchase a special additive that would correct the water’s pH.
Ray and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!”
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.” I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Dave’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it. "Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds," advised the vet.
The next time the parrot uttered an expletive, Dave did as the vet said. Then, feeling guilty, Dave opened the freezer.
Shivering, the parrot came out saying, "I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using." Dave was astounded at the sudden change. Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he escaped from his cage again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.
When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We’ve got a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took the cage.”
My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home. Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would remain overnight. “Overnight?” I said. “My father-in-law came home the same day.” The vet looked at me and said, “Bo’s not on Medicare.”
One of the highlights of the freshman biology class at New Mexico Highlands University was the monthly feeding of a caged rattlesnake kept in the laboratory. One time, the entire class gathered around the cage and, in complete silence, watched as the feeding took place.
"I’m jealous of the snake," the instructor said. "I never get the class’s undivided attention like this."
A student answered matter-of-factly, "You would if you could swallow a mouse."
Sounds of crashing and banging in the middle of the night sent me and my husband out to our garage. There we spotted three raccoons eating out of the cat dish. We shooed them away and went back to bed.
Later that week we were driving home and I noticed three fat raccoons ambling down the road. "Do you think those are the same ones we chased off?" I asked.
"Hard to tell," said my husband. "They were wearing masks."
My son is an avid listener to our city’s police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while making his bed, I heard the dispatcher say, “Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in a front yard. The resident wants a policeman to come and remove it.”
There was a long pause, then some static. Slowly, a voice said, “We can’t get the car started.”
Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”
According to the Internet: The inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”—until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.”
The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”
Once while riding the bus to work, I noticed a man at a stop enjoying a cup of coffee. As we approached the stop, he finished drinking and set the cup on the ground. This negligence surprised me, since it seemed to be a good ceramic cup.
Days later I saw the same man again drinking his coffee at the bus stop. Once again, he placed the cup on the grass before boarding. When the bus pulled away, I looked back in time to see a dog carefully carrying the cup in his mouth as he headed for home.
I was editing classified ads for a small-town newspaper when a man called to place an ad. "It should read," he said, "‘Free to good home. Golden retriever. Will eat anything, loves children.’"
I always scoffed when my sister insisted that our three dogs are computer literate. Then one day when I was signing on to AOL, I noticed that when the “welcome” voice came on, the dogs immediately settled down. Later, when they heard the “good-bye” sign-off, all three dogs rushed to the door expecting to be walked.
The drive-up window at the bank where I’m a teller has an outside drawer to accept customer transactions. A woman once drove up with her dog in the front passenger seat, and the pet eagerly jumped over onto the driver’s lap when the car reached my window. He looked excited to see me.
“Your dog is so friendly!” I said to the owner.
“He thinks he’s at McDonald’s,” she replied.
On a recent trip to the post office, I took a few minutes to read the notices posted on the public bulletin board in the lobby. One in particular caught my eye.
It read “Lost in post-office parking lot, small boa constrictor, family pet, will not attack. Reward.”
Below the notice someone had written, in what appeared to be very shaky handwriting: “Please, would you mind posting another notice when you find your boa? Thank you.”
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.
“We don’t do that anymore,” the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. “The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough.”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?” she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
I like hunting fossils, a hobby that isn’t exactly my wife’s favorite. On one excursion, I found the petrified bones of a squirrel-like mammal. When I brought them home and told my wife what they were, she squelched my excitement.
“I’ve heard of many a squirrel bringing a nut home,” she remarked, “but this is the first time I’ve heard of a nut bringing a squirrel home.”
I worked at a boarding kennel where people leave their dogs and cats while on vacation. One morning I had taken a cat out of his cage, and after playing with him and replenishing his food and water, I put him back in.
A few minutes later, I was surprised to see the feline at my feet, since the cage doors lock automatically when they’re shut. I couldn’t figure out how the cat escaped, until I bent down to pick him up and spied his nametag: “Houdini.”
From the Danvers, Ill., Shopper:
"Ferret, likes kids, nice pet, but chewed the guinea pig’s ear off. Also, partially 2deaf guinea pig."
When my daughter and I caught only one perch on our fishing trip—not enough for even a modest lunch—we decided to feed it to her two cats. She put our catch in their dish and watched as the two pampered pets sniffed at the fish but refused to eat it.
Thinking quickly, my daughter then picked up the dish, walked over to the electric can opener, ran it for a few seconds, then put the fish back down. The cats dug right in.
At the end of a visit to Amsterdam, a friend borrowed an old suitcase from his hosts to carry home his souvenirs. At the airport, however, a customs officer subjected our friend’s luggage to a thorough search and even sent for a drug-sniffing dog. Sure enough, the dog entered the area, headed straight for the borrowed bag and went into a frenzy. The customs officer now intensified his search, but ultimately he found nothing.
After arriving home, the young man immediately phoned his hosts and told them how puzzled he’d been by the dog’s behavior.
“Perhaps,” the owner of the suitcase said, “it was because that’s the bag our cat usually sleeps in.”
My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.
Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say.
“Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ ”
In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay. He searched and called for the bird, with no luck.
The next day when Mark returned from work, the phone rang. “Is this Mark?” The caller asked. “You’re going to think this is crazy, but there’s a bird outside on my balcony saying, ‘Hello, this is Mark.’ Then it recites this phone number and says, ‘I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you will leave a message at the tone, I will call you back.’”
Nicky’s cage had been kept in the same room as Mark’s answering machine.
In the Moreno Valley (Calif.) Recycler:
"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” the snake asks.
“Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
When a rattlesnake got loose in the second-floor hall of the science building at my university, it created quite a furor. Fortunately, one of the professors was an expert on snakes. An agitated student ran to fetch him, urging him to come quickly, as a dangerous snake was loose, terrorizing everyone in the building.
The professor leisurely strolled out into the hall, examined the snake from head to tail, and calmly returned to his office. “It’s not one of mine,” he said, and closed the door.
A favorite story among color-film processors concerns the negative of a poodle which a woman sent to a photo-finishing lab. When the print was made, the dog came out looking green. Figuring that there must have been a mistake in the color balance, a problem which plagues color processors, the lab tried again and again, and finally got the dog to come out a kind of improbable tan.
The woman who sent in the negative was furious when she got the picture of the tan poodle, which, she informed the lab, she had dyed green.
A client recently brought her two cats to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her.
“That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat.”
I’m a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway, when I saw a large dog trot up to my car. He stopped and sat just out of arm’s reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge. After a while I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back and learned the reason for the dog’s stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I had been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.
|And the Best Cute Pet Photo is…|
|Votes in our Cute Pet Photo Contest are in! Our users chose “Baby Josie” submitted by Lindsey Akiyama as their favorite cute pet photo. View the winning photo below and then check out the other nine finalists!|