Animal Jokes

Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A: A pouch potato.

On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded,  “Wait till they’re asleep.”

Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?

A: Because it came out of the pen.

Why do cows never have any money?

Because the farmers milk them dry!

A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big "S" on the side to show everyone the car is his. While he's flexing his new car down the streets of Los Angeles, he passes an elderly couple sitting on their porch. As he passes the man exclaims to his wife, " Look at that S-Car-Go!"

A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An Investigator!

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A: "Dam!"

1.     Q: If you have 15 cows and 5 goats what would you have?

A: Plenty of milk!

Q. What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day?

A. You’re purrr-fect for me.

A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’.  Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

“Good boy,” says the Marshall.

“What happened?” asks the man.

“That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm. 

“That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

“What’s going on?!” demands the man.

The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

         “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.

         “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

         “So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

         “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.”

         The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?”

         The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.”

When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs.

While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t.

During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank.

A lady on the tour said, “Oh, look! This rancher put up a fan to cool the animals!”