Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Legal Trouble

Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in New York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter....

Repercussions

While I was serving as a juror, I chanced to share the elevator one morning with a visiting judge. He asked me where the jurors parked, and I informed him...

Squealing Evidence

Phil was driving down a country road late one night when he felt a big thud. He got out of the car and looked around, but the road was empty....

A Walk in the Woods

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my newborn daughter, chatting to her about the scenery. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned into the baby...

Bad Job

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for...

Bartender

One snowy evening my brother, a regional police officer, stopped a car at a roadside check for drunk drivers. "Good evening, ma’am," he greeted the lady. "How are you this...

Better Job

After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their...

Birthday Surprise

My husband and I were on our way home when he was pulled over for speeding. As the patrolman returned his driver’s license, my husband, hoping for leniency, sheepishly asked,...

Blabber Mouth

Driving on the Long Island Expressway in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane, a friend noticed a police car behind her with its lights flashing. She pulled over and sat nervously...

Changing Species

A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark." "You’re crazy! He’ll rip...

Clever Names

“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year-old son. “Bob,” he said. “And your cat?” “Bob.” “How do you keep them straight?” “Well one is Bob Cat and...

Colorblind

Driving across the country, my husband and I were admiring one beautiful old Southern town while stopped at a red light. We sat there taking in the elegant storefronts, the...

Confused

A state trooper heard this plea on his radio: "Does anyone know where I’m at? I’m all screwed up." It was a policeman who had lost his way. Another voice...

Conspiracy Theory

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was...

Convict

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us—sirens wailing, lights flashing. "Was...

Covering the Bird

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird....

Criminal Charges

We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing persons case....

Dinner Time

My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet store to buy Slinky’s dinner. The...

Dog Helper

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it....

Double Trouble

It had been a nerve-racking experience for my attorney husband. He was working with the FBI on a federal sting operation. Worried for his safety, they put him under protective...

Emergency Phone Call

Not long ago, I arrested a man for public drunkenness. When I brought him to the stationhouse, the booking clerk asked the standard questions—name, address, phone number, etc. "Lastly," said...

Endangered Species

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it....

Feeding Time

An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?” “I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level...

Fish Emergency

My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium...

Food Caller

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.” I looked inside and was amused to see an electric...

Foul Mouth Bird

Dave’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it. "Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds,"...

Getting Rid of Something

The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss...

Giving Away Tickets

When I was a rookie police officer, I was flustered by citizens who got upset if I gave them a traffic ticket. They would accuse me of trying to complete...

Golf Talk

While driving home from the golf course, my mother-in-law got a traffic ticket for making a left turn too close to an oncoming car. Fervently disagreeing with the officer’s judgment,...

Good Dog

A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my...

Grammar Lesson

Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer, who recognized me as his former English teacher. "Mrs. Brown," he...

Guilty Tax Payer

Dear IRS: I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest....

Hamster on the Run

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside down and finally found him. Several weeks later,...

Hard Worker

A police car with flashing lights pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive...

Health Insurance

My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon...

How to get Attention

One of the highlights of the freshman biology class at New Mexico Highlands University was the monthly feeding of a caged rattlesnake kept in the laboratory. One time, the entire...

Hungry for Money

My cousin was behind the bakery’s cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the...

Hungry Officer

On our way to Arizona, we had to stop at the state border for an agricultural inspection. We had gone through the same check station in the past, but this...

Late Night Eaters

Sounds of crashing and banging in the middle of the night sent me and my husband out to our garage. There we spotted three raccoons eating out of the cat...

Leaving Evidence

I’m a state trooper in Alaska, and I’ve been called to investigate many cases of moose poaching. Some we solved because of the carelessness of the criminals who have left...

Liar Liar

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever...

Losing the Game

Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a...

Love Days

Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet...

Medicine Time

The vet prescribed daily tablets for our geriatric cat, Tigger, and after several battles my husband devised a way to give her the medication. It involved wrapping Tigger in a...

Mislead Motorcyclist

When Fred Phillips, retired public-safety director and police chief of Johnson City, Tennessee, was a regular police officer, he and his partner pulled over an unlicensed motorist. They asked the...

Money Saver

Each morning at 5:30, I take my Lhasa Apso, Maxwell, for a walk. He has the bad habit of picking up bits of paper or other trash along the way....

Not so Humble

I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which...

Older Looking

Our community still has teenage curfew laws. One night I was listening to my scanner when the police dispatcher said, "We have a report of a 14-year-old male out after...

Opera Singer

Our cat, Figaro, comes home between 10 or 11 at night to eat. If he’s late, I turn on the carport light and call him until he appears. One day...

Organzied Culprits

In the news the other day, a tractor-trailer loaded with brand-new file folders was hijacked. Later the same day, a truck carrying boxes of Post-its was stolen. Authorities are still...

Penniless

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was...

People Lover

A friend and I used to run a small temporary-staffing service. Our agency did mandatory background checks on all job candidates, even though our application form asked them if they’d...

Police Line

The lady drove through a red light and was motioned over to the curb by a police officer on the corner. Finding no place to pull up, she drove on...

Preaching to the Choir

A friend was assigned a new post teaching English to inmates in prison. Feeling a little nervous on his first day, he began by asking the class a basic question:...

Prison Buddies

A case manager at the mental health facility where I work as a nurse needed a reference for a patient who was looking for a job. "I’ll vouch for him,"...

Red Light

I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if...

Religious Squirrels

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere...

Running Errands

I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I...

Scared Dog

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff’s department canine division. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the...

Scared Dog

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn’t like men." Perfect, my sister-in-law...

Scared of Insects

One day while we were doing yard work, my nine-year-old daughter found a baby snake, and I encouraged her to catch it and put it in a jar. Later she...

Self-Poison

Snake 1:

Are we poisonous?

Snake 2:

I don’t know. Why?

Snake 1:

I just bit my lip.

 

 

 

Sent Again

Our friend, a lawyer, was defending a man accused of sending obscene literature through the mail. Deciding to base his case on whether the material really was obscene, he asked...

Sleeping Position

As I was walking through a variety store, I stopped at the pet department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on his back, one...

Status Objects

Dad’s pager beeped, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him—lights flashing, siren blaring. So...

Stealing Gardener

Having been a store detective for five years, I should be surprised at nothing. Occasionally, however, I have to fight a powerful urge to scream, "You’ve got to be joking!"...

Store Madness

As a policeman, I occasionally work off-duty as a security officer in stores. I was handling crowd control for a going-out-of-business sale, and people were massed around the two cash...

Surprised

In honor of my brother’s retirement from the police force, my sister-in-law decided to throw a surprise party for him. Plans made in secrecy over a two-month period included catering...

Tattle-Tale

My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with several members of the police-academy board who would determine her suitability as a candidate. The first situation they...

Terrible Musician

As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables....

Tough Officer

Having successfully passed all the written exams and physical requirements to join the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, my daughter was now being interviewed. One of the questions was, "What would...

Tough Punishment

I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was...

Tragically Right

I bought my sons a pet rabbit after they promised they would take care of it. As expected, I ended up with the responsibility. Exasperated, one evening I said, "How...