Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Warning Signs

My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don’t you give...

Wrong Victim

A friend of mine, a policeman, responded to an accident call one day. When he arrived, he noticed an emergency medical technician (EMT) trying to apply a spine board to...

Air Force Talk

Pointing to a pan of chicken wings and legs disguised in the classic mess-hall manner, a young airman asked the mess sergeant, "What’s for chow?" "Air Force chicken," replied the...

Already Gone

Since maternity patients at the small hospital where I work must travel 50 miles to another hospital for the actual delivery, they often check with us first to verify that...

Already Pregnant

To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a pregnancy test. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she asked me to pick one up. I didn’t stop to...

Always Right

My granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us,...

Animal Talk

A veterinarian sent one of his employees to get a flat tire repaired in the tire store that I own. When I asked which tire needed to be fixed, he...

Asking for Assistance

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels...

Astrology

When one of my patients came to me complaining of ear trouble, I looked around for the appropriate instrument with which to examine him. Unable to find it, I buzzed...

Baby on the Way

My husband met me at the doctor’s office for my routine checkup, and from there we decided to go out to eat. Since we had driven in separate cars, I...

Based on Water

After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days, I went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, I joined the Navy to see the...

Beautiful Sight

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively. "Yeah,"...

Big Boy

When my wife was about to have our first baby, we brought a tape recorder to the delivery ward to capture the sounds of the birth, the baby’s first cry...

Bookworm

Having helped prepare the annual budget for my unit of the Seventh Army Special Troops in Heidelberg, Germany, I took the report to the office of the adjutant, who signs...

Breathing Techniques

One afternoon in the hospital operating room where I am a nurse, I heard one of our nurse anesthetists trying to put a patient to sleep. "Now I want you...

Button Pain

Following a major hurricane, my husband worked long hours clearing the jumble of trees that littered our property. The longer he worked, however, the more painful it became for him...

Car Trouble

My son is an avid listener to our city’s police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while making his bed, I heard the dispatcher...

Cat Shopping

Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going...

Caught in a Lie

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse...

Chatter Box

This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenager asked,...

Cheater

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you." "Shh, not now," she replies. "But...

Checking Up

As an attorney in a major New Mexico law firm, I have many colleagues who work long hours. However, the reputation of one of my partners’ workaholic ways even extended...

Clueless

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What...

Clumsy Dancer

While dancing at a party, I tripped and stubbed my toe. Days later, my toe swollen and purple, I went to see a podiatrist. I told him how I hurt...

Constant Congestion

A customer walked into my pharmacy asking for a particular nasal spray. "You know, that brand is very addicting," I warned her. "If it’s used for a prolonged period of...

Cooking Instructions

According to the Internet: The inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to...

Cool Family

I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool." As I outlined the...

Coughing Section

When I walked into a small café in rural Minnesota, I had no trouble distinguishing the nonsmoking area from the smoking area. There before me were two neatly printed signs:...

Crabby Department

The clinic where I work promoted a co-worker to head the payroll department, or Payment Management Systems. The title on his door now reads "PMS Director."

 

 

Criminal Thinking

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. "That’s a long time," I observed. "A long, long time," she agreed....

Dangerous Driver

One day at the office of the orthopedic specialist I work for, we had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection. We...

Dangerous Weapons Permitted

On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front...

Deadly Response

The voice-dictation program a physician friend of mine purchased for his computer often misinterpreted words. Once, my friend dictated, "Recommend CAT scan if symptoms persist." The program typed out, "Recommend...

Deep Down

At the salon where I was a hairstylist, the conversation turned to smoking and its ill effects on our bodies. Even after hearing one woman reveal that she had survived...

Different Easter

Just before Easter I remarked to my husband that, with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn’t dyed eggs and had an...

Divorce Settlement

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. "Will there be any...

Doctor Says So

My friend Esther told me about her son’s fifth-grade career day, where the children were asked, "Who knows what a psychiatrist does?" Esther’s son replied, "That’s someone who asks you...

Doctor's Advice

Resting in the hospital after the birth of our third child, I thought I would finally get a chance to finish reading Boris Pasternak’s famous novel, Doctor Zhivago, and had...

Dog Duties

Once while riding the bus to work, I noticed a man at a stop enjoying a cup of coffee. As we approached the stop, he finished drinking and set the...

Dog Giver

I was editing classified ads for a small-town newspaper when a man called to place an ad. "It should read," he said, "‘Free to good home. Golden retriever. Will eat...

Dog Sounds

I always scoffed when my sister insisted that our three dogs are computer literate. Then one day when I was signing on to AOL, I noticed that when the “welcome”...

Doing What You Are Told

The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation....

Double Bundle

Several months ago, my daughter and I had similar virus symptoms. She decided to consult a doctor so as not to lose any more time from her job. “I’ll see...

Dress to Impress

My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short...

Drive Thru

The drive-up window at the bank where I’m a teller has an outside drawer to accept customer transactions. A woman once drove up with her dog in the front passenger...

Early Arrival

While on duty as a nurse in the obstetrics department at the hospital, I was checking a young mother-to-be. "Is this your first baby?" I asked her. "Yes," she answered...

Eating Issues

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next...

Eating Up

Mother and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest. If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn’t...

End of the Glory Days

After the birth of our second child, my husband volunteered to undergo a vasectomy. The morning of his appointment, I could tell he was nervous. Then, as he was about...

Ending the Questions

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I’ve noticed a subtle change in...

Escape of the Snake

On a recent trip to the post office, I took a few minutes to read the notices posted on the public bulletin board in the lobby. One in particular caught...

Escape Route

My friend read her son’s horoscope and thought it quite appropriate. "You’ve spent the last few weeks looking for escape," it said. "But now it’s time to get on with...

Exercise Returns

Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer. Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to...

Exercise Route

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to...

Fake Teeth

The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my ten-year-old son’s dental appliance. Because it was cemented to his upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release it. When...

Falling Objects

When I was an infantry platoon commander, my Marines trained regularly for nighttime reconnaissance patrol. As we moved along, each of us would whisper the name of any obstacle to...

Fast Food Buddies

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good!" I exclaimed. "I’m ready to start a diet too. We...

Fat Chance

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came in exhausted from a long day at work. "Did...

Fat Jump

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping...

Fatten Up

My daughter couldn’t muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented, "Linda’s so skinny it makes me sick." "If...

Flabby Compliment

One evening I was commenting on my bad exercise habits and tight clothes. Whenever I criticize myself, my four-year-old son always has something charming to say. Using a new word...

Flu Symptoms

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were named Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of...

Following the Routine

Customer-service reps repeat the same tired phrases so often that we can do the job in our sleep. We hear a beep telling us a customer’s on the line, and...

Food Before Safety

The new phone book arrived with a handy blank emergency-number form attached to the front page. I guess everyone’s notion of an emergency is different. The categories for phone numbers...

Food Over Fitness

During my uncle’s physical exam, his doctor mentioned that he was slightly overweight. “Do you get any exercise?” the physician asked. “Well, I used to have an exercise bike in...

Foreign Object

Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being...

From Two Different Worlds

In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. In...

Genius

As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot...

Gift Registry

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob...

Giving Up

After joining the Navy, my husband underwent a physical. During the exam, it was discovered that, due to an abnormality, he couldn’t fully extend his arms above his head. Perplexed,...

Good Behavior

Notice seen on the bulletin board of a Florida air base: "The following enlisted men will pick up their Good Conduct medals in the supply room this afternoon. Failure to...

Good Doctor

Suffering with a herniated disk in his back, my husband told his cousin that a well-respected doctor was treating him. His cousin asked the name of the doctor, and on...

Gritty Chocolate

As a dentist, I recently tried out a new chocolate-flavored pumice paste on my patients. No one liked it except for a six-year-old boy. While I polished his teeth, he...