I Haven’t Slept…
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
—Mitch Hedberg
More Jokes
Non-Belieber
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
Supercharged swine
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
This Would Make Me Feel Better
Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker
Bloody Good Question
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
Fluent in Ink
I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:
“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
