Tough Sentencing

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.

I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

—Groucho Marx

Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie.

—David Mamet

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant?

George Carlin

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

—George Carlin

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was “Very Strong.”

—@AaronFullerton