Tough Sentencing

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

@Robfee

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

—Comedian Mike Birbiglia

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
Lesley Wake

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand …
on the other.”

Harry Truman

Drama: a word boring people use 
to describe fun people.

@jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

Robert Paul