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Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
All pro athletes are
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
I think it’s pretty cool how
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York