What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.”
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Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other? A: They were dead ringers.
Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man? A: He had dead aim.
Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have? A: He gave you the cold shoulder.
Q: How did the two dead brothers do in school? A: They were dead even.
Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind? A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.
Q: Why was the dead man not living well? A: Because he was dead broke.
Q: Why was the dead man not courageous? A: Because he had cold feet.
Q: Why was the dead man insensitive? A: Because he had a cold heart.
Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid.
Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter? A: Because he was a deadbeat.
Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer? A: Because he was rotten to the core.
Q: What is a dead man's favorite magazine? A: Life
Q: Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial? A: Because they gave him life.
Q: What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A: A Carpet
Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
A: It's too high a price 'toupee.'
Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?
A: Because it came out of the pen.
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
—Steven Wright, comedian
Q. What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes? A. “I guess you had to be there.”
Q. How do you know when the moon is broke? A. When it’s down to its last quarter.
Q. Which is closer, Florida or the moon? A. The moon. You can’t see Florida from here.
My neighbor texted me, "I just made synonym buns!"
I texted back, "You mean like grammar use to make?" I haven't heard from her since.
Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
A: They just wash up on shore.
Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? A: An arm and a leg.
Q: Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship? A: The poop deck.