Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An algorithm!
Q: What did the mathematician’s parrot say? A: A poly “no meal”
Q: What did one math book say to the other? A: Don’t bother me I’ve got my own problems!
Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.
MATH stands for Mental Abuse To Humans.
What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?
Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
What is a mountain’s favorite type of candy?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
How does a snowman get to work?
What do snowmen call their offspring?
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
What kind of math do owls like?
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
You are like my asthma. You just take my breath away.
My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive, who? Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor? Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Why should you never break up with a goalie? Because he is a keeper.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, it is February 14th.
What happened when the two vampires went on a blind date? It was love at first bite.
What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance?
Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.
I was in the shop looking for a jacket to buy my girlfriend as a present. I couldn’t decide which one to get, so I asked the salesman, “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, which one would you get? He said, “A bulletproof one. I’m married.”
I said, “I love you so much. I could never live without you.” My girlfriend giggled and asked, “Is that you talking or the beer?” I said, “It’s me talking to the beer…”
My new girlfriend works at the zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house. I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.
Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices. You’re one of them.
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.