Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Blockbuster Old

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head, said, “Never...

Forgot About the Gift

My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as...

Full Time Soon

I was in a small store in a nearby town one evening. Wanting to find out when it opened the next morning, I stopped a teenage staffer on her way...

Prayers Before Bed

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter...

Loyal Snake

It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake. —Roy Blount, humorist

Not At All Surprised

According to a new report, adverse side effects occurred in over 3,000 women who used Botox last year—none of whom seemed surprised. —Crystal Lowery

Grow Up to Be a Mother

My three-year-old son: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Me: You can be anything you want. Son: (after a few seconds) I think I’ll...

Margarita Medicine

Before heading off to Mexico on vacation, my daughter asked her doctor for medicine to ward off any potential stomach troubles. Instead, the doctor prescribed bottled water and electrolytes, “which...

Fresh, Canned, or Frozen

A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed. “Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They...

He’s Only 70

On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant....

Can I Hold You?

Our booking office had three phones. One day during lunch, I was responsible for answering all of them. It was a constant repeat of “May I help you?” or “Will...

Upside Down Reading

Feeling ill, my supervisor went to a nearby doctor, who ordered an EKG. Upon reading the results, the doctor declared that my boss was suffering a cardiac arrest and called...

Change the Sign

Spotted on a business marquee in Tacoma, Washington: MY BOSS TOLD ME TO CHANGE THE SIGN, SO I DID. —K.H.

How Can I Help You?

After pulling three double shifts in a row, my brother Billy, a hotel clerk, was worn out. On one of his few breaks, he went to the hotel restaurant to...

Only Thing in My Closet

A coworker once showed up to the office in a white wedding dress with a crinoline, beading—the works. When our manager asked why she’d worn her wedding dress to the...

Band or Officer

While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my...

No Initials

Soon after arriving at basic training, we were marched to the base barbershop, where we were told we’d find a clipboard with our names on it. “Next to your name,”...

One Day at a Time

People say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works. —Hannibal Buress, comedian

Only Woman There

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If...

In His Terms

After my beloved dog Lucky passed away, my daughter tried to explain to her four-year-old son what had happened in terms he might understand. “Remember that baby bird we found...

Horse Rider

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. —Mark Simmons, comedian

Little League for Parents

Little League is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. —Yogi Berra, Yankees Catcher

Not Everything

Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini—they show a lot, but not everything. —Toby Harrah, Rangers Shortstop

Too Many Men

You want proof baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? —Jim Bouton, Yankees Pitcher

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there? —Larry Andersen, Phillies Pitcher

To Err

A scientist who made contact with aliens said, “They’re nothing like us—all they keep saying is ‘Err. Err.’” “Why should that mean they aren’t like us?” his colleague replied. “To...

Early or Second Service

In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars. He asked the...

Adam’s Shorts

Six-year-old Ned's mother was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out. Ned said, "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."

Cats and Sentences

Q: How are a cat and a sentence different? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its...

No Light, No Work

A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, “I know how to get some time off from work!” “How?” asks the blonde. “Watch this,” says the...

Behind at Work

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!

Ships Collide

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned.

Come Back Stick

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A: A stick.

4, 5, 6

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? A: Quattro sinko.

Bike Cycle

Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day. Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle...

The Love of Tennis

Q: Why should you never date tennis players? A: Love means nothing to them.

Measure Millennials

Q: How do you weigh a millennial? A: In Instagrams.

Lying or Standing

Jenny: I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at him. Penny: Really? Jenny: Yep. I can tell if he is standing too.

DIY Orthodontist

Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Ted: Brace yourself.

Lost Luggage

Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage? A: He lost his case.

No Feelings

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings. Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

How Did You Get Here?

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it. Husband: My truck.

Which is Lighter

Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

No More Tires

Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars! Spike: The cops are working on it—tirelessly.

The Night’s Over

Q:  What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A:  A cab.

All the Symptoms

Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac. Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all...

Book Head

Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book? Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.

Tree Hands

Q: What kind of tree has a hand? A: A palm tree.

Lazy Shoes

Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? A: Loafers.

Save Your Change

Q: Why should you save your pennies? A: It makes good cents.

Farm Jokes

Q: What kind of jokes are told on a farm? A: Corny ones.

Morning Tea

Q: What has T in the beginning, T in the middle, and T at the end? A: A teapot.

Dry Penguin

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert? A: Lost

Tree Soda

Q: What is a tree’s favorite soda? A: Root Beer.

Stop or Slow Down

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over...

Faster Food

Q: Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? A: It's not fast food!

Day Stealer

Q: Hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? A: They both got 6 months.

Didn’t See You, Officer

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign,...

Dropped Out

The last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me,...

Faster Than a Snail

Q: What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back? A: Wheeeeeeeee

Medication for That

I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. On one particularly hectic day, a tenant came in to pay her rent....

Teeth Impression

As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked. “I’m a comedian,” I answered. “Interesting.” After a pause, he said,...

Tallest in Line

I admit it—I have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my “creativity” might get me in trouble. But my fears were put...

Stop the Orders

Our base’s Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Then one day I couldn’t find it. I asked an employee...

Astaire a Mess

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. But the meal was marred...

Stole My Happiness

To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.

Keep the Name

Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing...

Not That Old Yet

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his...

One is Enough

While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of...

New Noses

The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place...

Mom’s Side of the Car

In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his...

Gone Soon

After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She...

Kind Words

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears...