Q. I hate jokes about German sausages.
A. They’re the wurst.
Q. Is this pool safe for diving?
A. It deep ends.
Q. Can February March?
A. No, but April May
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. I’m reading a book on the history of glue.
A. I just can’t seem to put it down.
Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
Q. How do vampires start their letters? A. “Tomb it may concern…”
Q. What’s a writing utensil’s favorite place to go on vacation? A. Pencil-vania!
Q. How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair? A. Eclipse it!
Q. Where do polar bears keep their money? A. In a snow bank!
Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A. Because chickens didn’t exist yet!
Q. Why was the broom late for school? A. It overswept!
Q. What do you call a duck that loves making jokes? A. A wise-quacker!
Q. What did the finger say to the thumb? A. I’m in glove with you!
Q. What did one pickle say to the other pickle who wouldn’t stop complaining? A. “Dill with it.”
Q. What’s really fast, loud, and tastes good with salsa? A. A rocket chip!
Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry? A: Because they’re always stuffed.
Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look flushed.
Q: What’s the best time to go to the dentist? A: Tooth hurty.
Q: Where do beef burgers go to dance? A: The meatball.
Q: Which side of a duck has the most feathers? A: The outside.
Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? A: The old Volks home.
Q: What do a dog and a phone have in common? A: They both have collar ID.
Q: What did the red light say to the green light? A: Don’t look, I’m changing.
Q: What do you call a T-Rex that’s been beaten up? A: Dino-sore.
Q: What did the axe murderer say to the judge? A: It was an axe-ident.
Q: How much does a Mustang cost? A: More than you can af-Ford.
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button? A: You’re under a vest.
Q: What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween? A: Prankenstein.
Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it’d be a foot.
Q: What do you call a baby monkey? A: A chimp off the old block.
Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant? A: He was really good at bacon.
Q: What do you call anxious dinosaurs? A: Nervous Rex.
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod.
Q: What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? A: The space bar.
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast? A: To raise some dough.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Wire. Wire who? Wire you always asking ‘who’s there’?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Abe. Abe who? Abe CDEFJH…
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Ken Ken who? Ken I come in? It’s cold out here.
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Witch. Witch who? Witch one of you will give me some Halloween candy?