Valentine’s Day Jokes

Fall head over heels with these Valentine’s Day jokes.

Cupid called, he wants his arrow back. Instead, capture someone’s heart with our Valentine’s Day jokes for kids and adults alike. Make your special someone feel extra special with our marriage jokes and love jokes.

British Romance

Q: What is the most romantic city in England? A: Loverpool.

How a Chef Shows Affection

Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: A hug and a quiche.

Love Birds

Q: What do you call two birds in love? A: Tweethearts.

Skunks Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Because they’re scent-imental.

Berry Love

Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you berry much.

I Love Meat

Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance? A: To the meatball.

Electricity

Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a watt.

A Big Dill

Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Valentine’s Day? A: You mean a great dill to me.

School Supplies Love

Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day? A: You can always count on me.

A Drum’s Heart

Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.

Caveman Love

Q: What did cavemen give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of ughs and kisses.

Vampire Love

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called? A: His ghoul-friend.

Squirrel Gifts

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.

Telephone Love

Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.

In Jail for Love

Q: Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail? A: She stole his heart.

Single on Valentine’s Day

Q: What do single people call Valentine's Day? A: Happy Independence Day

A Painter’s Love

Q: What did the painter say to her boyfriend? A: "I love you with all my art!"

A Farmer’s Love

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? A: Hogs and kisses!

Cupid Shuffle

Q: Why did the God of Love become a blackjack dealer? A: Because he was always great at the Cupid Shuffle.

Shocklates

Q: What was the thunder cloud’s favorite gift to give on Valentine’s Day? A: A Box of Shocklates.

Valentine’s Day Envelope

Q: What did the valentine's day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you'll go places

Sick Love

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

Groucho Marx on Make Outs

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

Strapped For Cash

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a...

She Shoots, She Scores!

Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he's a keeper.

Pencil Me In

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Girl: Yes, February 14th.

Dive Right In

What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"

Broken Heart

What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you."

Celebrating July 4th

What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!

Read All About It

Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned...

Making the Grade

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my...

Perfectly Paired Puns

As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I...

Dates from Hell

Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these @FirstDateHell dates. • He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he...

Olive

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I don't care who knows it!

Devoted and Determined

During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out,...

Mower Than a Greeting Card

My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke...

9 to 5 Love

My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me...

Pastoral Passion

The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee....

Sweet Nothings (.com)

My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet....

Check Out a Romance

I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian...

A Little Nuts About Love

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was...

11 Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes

Share a laugh with the one you love.