Christmas Jokes

Ho-ho-ho with our collection of funny Christmas jokes.

Keep calm and be merry! Make every day feel like Christmas with our collection of Christmas jokes for kids and adults, corny Christmas jokes, Santa jokes and Christmas knock-knock jokes .

His Favorite is the Double (Christmas) Tree

Q: Where does Santa stay when he’s on vacation? A: At a Ho-ho-ho-tel.

Santa Denier

Q: What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas? A: A rebel without a Claus.

Now I Know My ABCs

Q: How does Santa sing the alphabet? A: A B C D E F G… H I J K L M N Oh!, Oh!, Oh!, P Q R S T...

Up On the Housetop

Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? A: Nothing, it was on the house!

Scary Santa

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.

Double Parked

Q: Why did Santa get a parking ticket last Christmas Eve? A: He was making a special delivery and left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.

A Light-bulb Moment

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to...

Did You Dye Your Beard?

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Robert Paul

The Wright Way to Give

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box 
of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of 
Band-Aids and said, “You two share.” Steven Wright

Mazel Tov, Mary!

Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally 
overboard. Andy Borowitz

Christmas Freedom

The holiday 
season:
a deeply religious 
time that each of us 
observes, in his own way, by going to the 
 mall of his choice. Dave Barry

Better Luck Next Year

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.” Bernard Manning

Insulting Santa

This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. Conan O'Brien

It Beats a Board Meeting

The office Christmas party 
is a great opportunity to catch up 
with people you haven’t seen for 
20 minutes. @juliussharpe

Scrooge, Junior Grade

Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away." —Contributed by Mrs. Kenneth Labaugh

Part-Time Work

Scene: A man applying for credit 
at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?...

No Umbrellas at the North Pole?

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet? A: Because they are rain deer.

Reindeer Lessons

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That's right—he was elf taught.

Green Thumb?

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole? A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Great White Christmas

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping? A: Santa Jaws!

Oh, iGet It

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A: A pineapple.

What Does December Have…

What does December have that other months don't have?

The letter D.

Laughing All the Way!

Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol? A: Jungle Bells.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"? A: Because there was Noël.

Open Mic Night at the North Pole

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke? A: This one'll sleigh you!

Christmas in Eden

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas? A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Yule Log

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Yule log. Yule log who? Yule log the door after you let me in, won't you?

Gift of The Magi?

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade...

The Truth About Santa

I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in. James Knowles, on...

‘Tis The Season…Isn’t It?

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also 
go in mid-December. — Louis C.K.

Stop the Presses

These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in...

Gift Exchange

My friend reviewed her young son's fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: "At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____." His response: "Receipts."

Limited Knowledge

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back...

Alternate History

My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, “There is no room at the...

The Little Man

A teenager waltzed into our jewelry store to buy a cross for her boyfriend. I showed her a selection, and she pointed to three: "Can I see that one, that...

Meet and Greet

Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."

Waiting

My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus...

Christmas Eve Service

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered...

Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative...

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the...

Interesting Gifts

For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.

Odd Christmas Visit

From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from...

Weary Travelers

Worshippers are greeted by these words at the Travelers Rest Church: "Do Not Sit on Steps."

Honest Questions

Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?” “Well, you remember Santa? This could turn...

Misplaced

A pastor I know of uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer then finds...

Quick Clean-up

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when...