After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer….
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)
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Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
A: That’s just how I roll.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart, Richmond, Utah
A crafty young bard named McMahon, Whose poetry never would scan, Once said, with a pause, “It’s probably because I’m always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the…
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
A: I hear invoices!
Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan
There’s no “I” in denial.
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.” —Paula Deen • “Hell hath…
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?
A: To get to the other side.
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said,…
We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist): • Drinkand Dr….
A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up,…
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value…
The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
Two men have been ice fishing all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish. “What’s your secret?” asks the unlucky fisherman….
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t…
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.” “If you slid back two…
Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians: • Counting Crows Feet • R.E.Member? • Nine Inch Toenails • Hair Supply…
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after…
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the…
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
Eve Sex: Female Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old Location: Over by some ferns Height: A tall vine…
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”…
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn, Green Bay, Wisconsin
I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb? A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb…
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.
Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you’re eating dinner.
Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment: • “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’” • “Use the horse, Luke.” • “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!” • “Of all…
I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out…
A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger…
Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
Comedian Myq Kaplan
Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
Submitted by M. R.
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the…
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I…
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie. “In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant…
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
In math: Two divided by nothing. In physics: The contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart. In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when…
Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?
A: A wonky-tonk.
Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas
Hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It’s two gross.
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes…
Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A: A roamin’ numeral.
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: a receding hare-line.
What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead. How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in the dark. How…