Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

The Love of Tennis

Q: Why should you never date tennis players? A: Love means nothing to them.

Measure Millennials

Q: How do you weigh a millennial? A: In Instagrams.

Lying or Standing

Jenny: I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at him. Penny: Really? Jenny: Yep. I can tell if he is standing too.

DIY Orthodontist

Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Ted: Brace yourself.

Lost Luggage

Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage? A: He lost his case.

No Feelings

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings. Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

How Did You Get Here?

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today? Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it. Husband: My truck.

Which is Lighter

Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

No More Tires

Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars! Spike: The cops are working on it—tirelessly.

The Night’s Over

Q:  What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A:  A cab.

All the Symptoms

Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac. Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all...

Book Head

Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book? Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.

Tree Hands

Q: What kind of tree has a hand? A: A palm tree.

Lazy Shoes

Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? A: Loafers.

Save Your Change

Q: Why should you save your pennies? A: It makes good cents.

Farm Jokes

Q: What kind of jokes are told on a farm? A: Corny ones.

Morning Tea

Q: What has T in the beginning, T in the middle, and T at the end? A: A teapot.

Dry Penguin

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert? A: Lost

Tree Soda

Q: What is a tree’s favorite soda? A: Root Beer.

Stop or Slow Down

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over...

Faster Food

Q: Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? A: It's not fast food!

Day Stealer

Q: Hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? A: They both got 6 months.

Didn’t See You, Officer

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign,...

Dropped Out

The last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me,...

Faster Than a Snail

Q: What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back? A: Wheeeeeeeee

Medication for That

I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. On one particularly hectic day, a tenant came in to pay her rent....

Teeth Impression

As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked. “I’m a comedian,” I answered. “Interesting.” After a pause, he said,...

Tallest in Line

I admit it—I have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my “creativity” might get me in trouble. But my fears were put...

Stop the Orders

Our base’s Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Then one day I couldn’t find it. I asked an employee...

Astaire a Mess

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. But the meal was marred...

Stole My Happiness

To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.

Keep the Name

Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing...

Not That Old Yet

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his...

One is Enough

While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of...

New Noses

The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place...

Mom’s Side of the Car

In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his...

Gone Soon

After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She...

Kind Words

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears...

No Eye Contact

I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day,...

Drink Under the Table

Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told...

Last Time For Everything

I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.” She grumbled back,...

No Cause for Alarm

After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out...

I’ll Take Something Else

My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress...

Food For Two

Starving after hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop. While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our...

Temporary Filling

As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the...

Missing Equipment

When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear...

Insurance Love Life

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the...

Started With an S

A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague. “I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it...

She Looks Like You

Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?” I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.” “Are you sure? You look...

Takes Two to Get Married

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Burnt Dinner

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

No Inspiration

Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration? A: She draws a blank.

For Here or To Go?

Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert....

Baking or Vaping

Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning...

Want Another?

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender. “I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.

Through the Floorboards

Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

Something Smells

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Between you and me, something smells.

Solar System Party

Q: How does the solar system organize a party? A: They planet!

Close, But No Cigar

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.

Cook a Gator

Q: What is the best way to cook a gator? A: In a crock-pot

Fraction Break Up

Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up? A: I'm so over you!

See You Later, Dreams

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

High Bills

I've reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.

Stolen Leek

Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.

Meaning of Dog

Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.

Bathroom Break

I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans,...

None Are Sharp

My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting...

Dessert Before Dinner

Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat...

Brutally Honest

A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, “What do you think is your biggest weakness?” The man thinks for a moment, then says,...

Who Can’t Hear

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears...

Cold Blood

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? A: Frostbite!

Salted Peanuts

Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town? A: One was a salted!

Meltdown

Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A. A meltdown!