Religious Jokes

Get a great laugh with these religious jokes.

Today’s sermon: finding belly laughs in holy places. Read up on our religious jokes, Christian Jokes and more that will have you laughing in church.

Praying for Food

As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for...

Dead or Alive

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" a teacher asked the...

Golf Lover

The funeral directors of the mortuary where I am a receptionist were asked by a grieving family if they could place a golf club in the casket alongside their uncle,...

New Driver

During a Sunday service, the pastor asked the congregation for their intentions. We heard the usual requests to pray for sick people and the acknowledgments for those who helped when...

Showing up Late

My first pastoral ministry was as an assistant pastor to youth at a large church in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. In the fall of that first year, an evangelist was...

Wrong Hospital

Sitting on a bus just days after undergoing surgery at New England Baptist Hospital in Boston, my father noticed a passenger coming down the aisle with a standard-issue hospital cane...

Dress Up

A doctor died and went to heaven, where he found a long line at St. Peter’s gate. As was his custom, the doctor rushed to the front, but St. Peter...

Good for Some, Bad for Others

My sister’s dog had been deaf and blind for years. When she started to suffer painful tumors, it was time to put her down. As I explained this to my...

New Form of Communication

Seen while passing by a church:

"Get in touch with God by knee mail."

State of Disaster

Los Angeles weatherman Fritz Coleman, after a year that included a few earthquakes, several wildfires, extreme winds, record flooding, and even some funnel clouds: "California—more than a state, it’s an...

Dumb Blonde

The sentence in the Thanksgiving edition of my church bulletin intended to say "Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blind to see." But in what might...

Good Money

A preacher was asking for contributions to the church’s program to buy food for the needy. The town gambler, who also owned the saloon and several other shady operations, offered...

Not so Good Looking

Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Our computer’s down," said St. Peter. "You’ll have to go back for a week, but...

Still Living

One of my friends is in charge of the part-time help hired by an old-age home run by an order of nuns. She confided to the mother superior, a feisty...

Empty Nesting

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?" "At conception," said the Catholic priest. "No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It...

Halloween Costume

My six-year-old son was excited about his Halloween costume. "I’m going to be the Pope," he said. "Ian, you can’t be the Pope," I said. "You’re not Catholic. You’re Lutheran."...

Occupied

My wife and I arrived late to a crowded religious convention where there was standing room only. We noticed some people get up to leave, and after they hadn’t returned...

Strange Request

Toward the close of a banquet held during an Episcopal Church convention some years ago, the bishop of the diocese stood up and quite disrupted the entire affair by announcing,...

A Bell of Time

A friend of mine, a professional organist, was asked to play for a wedding. Unfamiliar with the church’s organ, she went to the sanctuary to practice. Curious about a small...

Falling Into Water

The Presbyterians were convening in Scotland. After a couple of days of sitting on hard pews, a group decided to stretch their legs in the countryside. Soon they approached a...

Healthy Feeding

An elderly couple, admitted by St. Peter through the Pearly Gates, found conditions there just heavenly. Said the man to his wife, "I could have been here two years ago...

One for Every Room

One Sunday our priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you...

Stressed Out

While in seminary, I taught the Old Testament to prisoners. One evening as I waited for a guard to appear and check me in, I noticed the fellow ahead of...

Accepting Money

The phone rings at the synagogue office. "Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz?" The caller asked. "It is." "This is the Internal Revenue Service. We wonder if you can help us."...

False Advertising

A computer salesman dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells the salesman that he can choose between heaven and hell. First he shows the man...

Honesty is the Best Policy

For the past year or so, my husband has helped count the collection money after church. One Sunday a visitor placed a $500 check in the plate. After the service...

Path to a Great Car

My husband and sons and I had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist monks dressed in orange...

Taking the First Step

A man walks into a church one day and kneels down to pray. "Lord," he says, "I’ve made mistakes, but I’m determined to change. If you let me win the...

Added to the Paper

As part of his talk at a banquet, our minister told some jokes and a few funny stories. Since he planned to use the same anecdotes at a meeting the...

Familiar Faces

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice...

Hot Water

Do you know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

 

 

  

 

 

Personal Storage

In December at our church, we collect frozen turkeys from generous parishioners, and I drive the turkeys to the Calgary Food Bank in time for Christmas. Contributions are left in...

Tell-All Sign

At church recently, I stopped to study an announcement promoting the youth choir’s sandwich sale. Being an English teacher, I couldn’t resist the temptation to correct the last line, which...

Always a Winner

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto...

Flexing

Our pastor was teaching Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones." The minister then added, "You can catch more flies...

In Hiding

A distinguished minister and two elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before going home,...

Pucker Up

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into...

The Right Answer

During his children’s sermon, our assistant pastor asked the kids, "What is gray, has a bushy tail, and gathers nuts in the fall?" One five-year-old raised his hand. "I know...

An Animal Situation

Not long after I resigned as pastor of a small community church, the phone rang. "Is the reverend there?" a man asked. I explained that I was a minister, though...

Forced Into It

We accompanied our son and his fiancée when they met with her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony papers. While filling out the form, our son read aloud a few...

Independence

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples...

Put Together

Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven. "Welcome," St. Peter said. "You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If...

The Show Will go On

My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the group’s chairman walked to the...

Arriving Late

One Sunday morning my sister Liz was surprised to receive a phone call from her minister. He reported that he’d just been in a minor car accident and asked if...

Forgetful

A young parish minister about to deliver his first sermon asked a retired cleric for advice on how to capture the congregation’s attention. "Start with an opening line that’s certain...

Keeping Secrets

Doug was leaving church after Christmas services when Father McCarthy took him aside. "Douglas, my son," he said, "it’s time you joined the Army of the Lord. We need to...

Reading the Signs

A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign...

To go Either Way

The ordination of women as Episcopal ministers occasionally presents awkward situations as to what to call us. "Father" sounds inappropriate to some; "Mother" is traditionally used for unordained women overseeing...

As Good as New

As the golfer approached the first tee, a hazardous hole with a green surrounded by water, he debated if he should use his new golf ball. Deciding that the hole...

Frustrated Words

My friend and I delivered a large refrigerator to the local priest’s home. With difficulty we had managed to get the fridge into the porch, but struggled for over 20...

Losing Players

One Sunday I asked our pastor to announce that the church softball team had won its league championship. As he did, he asked team members to stand up. Although there...

Running Away

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and...

Too Many Kids

Desperate for a child, a couple asked their priest to pray for them. "I’m going on sabbatical to Rome," he replied. "I’ll light a candle in St. Peter’s for you."...

Asking for Money

The pastor of my church hates to plead for money. But when the coffers were running low, he had no choice. "There’s good news and there’s bad news," he told...

Game Night

Every Catholic church in town but one had its Mass schedule posted in front. The exception announced the time weekly bingo started. I phoned the priest to complain. "My son,"...

Mailing Commandments

When Travis Wolfe was the editor of religious news for the Chattanooga, Tennessee, Times, he would receive photographs from clergymen, church musicians, and speakers on religion. Wolfe made it a...

Saying Grace

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him! He runs as fast as he can but trips...

Unanswered Prayers

During birth-preparation class we were learning relaxation techniques, and the instructor asked us to come up with ideas to lower stress levels. Silence pervaded the room, but one dad, a...

Bad Timing

My boyfriend was working in the souvenir shop at Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England. One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were...

Getting Into Trouble

Kevin was not an ideal child. He managed to get into mischief frequently, and was always trailed by his younger brother, Ken. Finally, at her wits’ end, his long-suffering mother...

Math Class

The ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything to get him to do well in school, but nothing worked. Finally they enrolled him in a Catholic school. From...

Seating Sections

While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary...

Very Impatient

I was working as a phone-order representative for a textbook publisher. One very busy day, many customers had been put on hold. When I took my next call, I heard...

Big Fall

During an ice storm I went to check the mailbox, carefully shuffling down the driveway. When I reached for the mail, my feet went straight up in the air, and...

Getting What you Want

Slogan for a now out-of-business restaurant in Carmel, California:

"Karma Café. We don't have a menu. We give you just what you deserve."

 

 

 

 

Mating

Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as "Coffee With the Cantor." The guest of honor, an Argentine, suggested...

Sharing Things

The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention. "Your roof needs repair, Father," she said. "Your water pressure is...

Well Behaved

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time on the golf course. After...

Chess

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the...

Giving Directions

The preacher, arriving in a small town to be guest speaker at a local church, wanted to mail a letter to his family back home. He stopped a young boy...

Meeting Place

A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the...

Shoeless

Shortly after my husband passed away, one of my daughter’s Jewish friends approached her with a question. "Kate," he said, "I’ve never attended a Catholic wake before. What is the...

What Would He Pay?

While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters WWJD on...