A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and...
Lawyer Jokes
All rise for these funny lawyer jokes and attorney jokes.
Whether you’re guilty or innocent, our law puns, legal puns and law school jokes will make you laugh even in court.
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This Lawyer Is Thorough…
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over...
Guilty of Annoyance
A defendant isn’t happy with
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for
a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”
Submitted by Pate Ferry, Mesa, Arizona
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What...
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The Case of The Imaginary Dogs
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”
The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”
The case was dismissed.
Helen Reynolds, Missoula, Montana
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir,...
The Best Legal Advice Ever…
...was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.”
Source: funnyordie.com
...was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.”
Source: funnyordie.com
What Does DUMB Stand For?
While serving jury duty,
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one
point, he picked up a piece of
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see
an acronym on this receipt. What
would CAR stand for?”
The defendant replied, “Car.”
Kristi Boerner, Fleming, Colorado
While serving jury duty, I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one point, he picked up a piece of evidence and asked his client, who was...
Six Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court
“How many times have you committed suicide?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”
“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
From The Dumb Book (Reader’s Digest Books)
“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you...
Trappiest Place on Earth
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.”
Conan O’Brien
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part...
I Don’t Say “Hey” Pro Bono
A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”
A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back....
Long Tour of Duty
I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, a few maintenance workers did the same.
That set off the malcontent: "Just how long have you been serving jury duty?"
That set off the malcontent: "Just how long have you been serving jury duty?"
I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on...
A Little Too Literal
If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?
Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."
Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."
Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."
Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."
If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what? Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?" Witness:...
Roll Call
I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
"Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor," I said.
"Linda Jones, probation officer."
"Sam Clark, public defender."
"John," said the teen who was on trial. "I'm the one who stole the truck."
"Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor," I said.
"Linda Jones, probation officer."
"Sam Clark, public defender."
"John," said the teen who was on trial. "I'm the one who stole the truck."
I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter....
The First Case
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you say you're honest?"
"Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
"Dad sued me for the money."
"Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
"Dad sued me for the money."
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you say you’re honest?" "Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you...
Court of Less Appeal
Justice isn't just blind—it's snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes:
Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn't that enough?
Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can't prove it!
Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.
Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.
Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn't that enough?
Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can't prove it!
Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.
Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.
Justice isn’t just blind—it’s snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes: Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie? Witness: Yes. I...
Frame of Reference
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.
"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.
"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.
"And how did that turn out?"
"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."
"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.
"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.
"And how did that turn out?"
"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers. "Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff’s lawyer....
The Judgement
After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service. "That way," she said innocently, "you can kill two birds with one stone."
After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the...
Protesting Too Much
Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm's client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.
"He's lying!" he yelled. "There were only three of us."
"He's lying!" he yelled. "There were only three of us."
Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked...
Usual Suspect
While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?"
"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.
"Was the area well lit?"
"No. It was pretty dark."
"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.
Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."
"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.
"Was the area well lit?"
"No. It was pretty dark."
"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.
Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."
While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?" "Yes, from a block away," the...
Running the Show
I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. "This is where the judge sits," I began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see," I finished, "there are a lot of people involved in making this system work."
At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen."
At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen."
I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around....
Guilty as Charged
In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge for driving with expired license plates. The judge listened attentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation.
Then he said with great courtesy, "My dear sir, we are not blaming you—we're just fining you."
Then he said with great courtesy, "My dear sir, we are not blaming you—we're just fining you."
In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge for driving with expired license plates. The judge listened attentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation. Then he...
Love Report
A young man I know, who recently became law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge, was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case. After working on the assignment for some time, he proudly handed in a 23-page document.
When he got it back, he found a terse comment in the judge's handwriting on page 7: "Stop romancing—propose already."
When he got it back, he found a terse comment in the judge's handwriting on page 7: "Stop romancing—propose already."
A young man I know, who recently became law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge, was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case. After working on...
No Lawsuits
Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class.
Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought— until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.
Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought— until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.
Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class. Suddenly I found myself on...
Waiting for the Fine
The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?' "
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?' "
The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting...
Bad Job
As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.
"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"
"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that—you were the one who sent me there."
"That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then."
"No, you weren't the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. "You were my lawyer."
"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"
"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that—you were the one who sent me there."
"That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then."
"No, you weren't the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. "You were my lawyer."
As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for...
Liar Liar
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever...
Not so Humble
I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read "Attorney at Law" at the top of the first page.
After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. "Must you rub it in?" he asked.
I had typed: "Attorney at Last."
After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. "Must you rub it in?" he asked.
I had typed: "Attorney at Last."
I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which...
Tough Punishment
I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client's tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows: "You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings."
I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was...
Pretty Pennies
Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.
Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.