A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never
remember the name.”

*Submitted by R. s., via mail*

A farmer counted 196 cows in
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

*Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California*

**In math:** Two divided by nothing.

**In physics:** The contraction of
the mouth due to the expansion
of the heart.

**In accounting:** It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.

**In economics:** A thing for which the demand is higher than the
supply.

**In dentistry:** It’s infectious and
antiseptic.

*From gcfl.net*

Hear about the statistician
who drowned crossing a river?

It
was three feet deep on average.

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It’s two gross.

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?

A: Because of all the natural logs.

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.

The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”

The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”

Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?

A: Probably.

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

A: An Algorithm

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

A: Because you should never drink and derive.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.