# Math Jokes

### Margin of Error

Here’s some advice: At a job  interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

### The Calculating Sheepdog

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

Submitted by Norie Bloom,  Honolulu, Hawaii

### An I.Q. Too High To Buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never  remember the name.”

Submitted by R. s., via mail

### Steer Clear of this Joke

A farmer counted 196 cows in  the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

### Zero Sum Puns

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

### Professors Define a Kiss

In math: Two divided by nothing.

In physics: The contraction of  the mouth due to the expansion  of the heart.

In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.

In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the  supply.

In dentistry: It’s infectious and  antiseptic.

From gcfl.net

Hear about the statistician  who drowned crossing a river?

It  was three feet deep on average.

### A Joke of Little Value…

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

### A Genius Solution

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.

### Why Should 288…

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It’s two gross.

### Why do Mathematicians…

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?

A: Because of all the natural logs.

### Noah and the Snakes

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

### What do You Call a Number…

Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?

A: A roamin’ numeral.

### The House Problem

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.

The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”

The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”

Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”

### An Average Joke

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?

A: Probably.

### Vice President of Rock

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

A: An Algorithm

### Invariable Consequences

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”

### Chicken Strips

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

### Solve for XX

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?

A: Because you should never drink and derive.

### The Engineer, the Physicist, and the Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

### Infinitely Many Mathematicians…

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

### Law of Diminishing Returns

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Keep the laughs coming every week!