Travel Jokes

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How Russian Tour Guides See America

Here’s a guide to American 
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:

“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”

“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”

“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, 
and no more.”

Source: Mental Floss

The Smell of Delta

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”

“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer

“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge

“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King 

“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali

“Mist Connection”    —Cary Berkowitz

“The 99 Per-scent”    —Julia Flagg

Baggage Claim Karma

As I waited for my luggage 
at the airport, a man lifted my 
suitcase off the baggage carousel.

“Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s 
my suitcase.”

The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!”

C. S., via Internet

Lifeguards vs. Life Coaches

L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.

Craig Ferguson


The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved 
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”

Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma

No Emergency Exits, Thanks

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped 
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I 
explained, “The last time someone 
gave me wings, I had to jump 
out of the airplane.”

Col. David Jessop (Ret.), 
Rineyville, Kentucky

Drumming Up A Reason

A man vacations on a tropical 
island, and the first thing he hears 
is drums. He goes to the beach 
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.

“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”


“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”

St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the tramp.

“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.

“Could I have a few words with George?”

Comic Conductor

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.

“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”

Perfect Timing

On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"

"That’s fine," Sandy said.

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."



Airplane Confusion

My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.

Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: “We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time.”

A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”



I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said “But there is a stopover.”


“In Denver,” she said.


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