Animal Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A: A mechanic.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer. @FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch

Wandering inside a pet store, 
I stopped in front of a birdcage to 
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?” Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant? George Carlin

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.” Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey

Q: Why did the chicken go to the 
séance? A: To get to the other side.

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.” Submitted by M. S., via Internet

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don 
a costume and act like an ape 
until the zoo can get another one. In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the 
lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage. Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens 
its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get 
us both fired?!”

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, "Quick! You've gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!" The man agrees and drives off with the penguins. After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There's no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he'd help him, 25 penguins still in tow. "What happened!" the truck driver screams. "I told you to take them to the zoo!" "I did," the man answers. "But I had a little money left over, so I thought I'd take them to a movie too."

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!” Jerry Seinfeld

Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad? A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.

A lion comes across two 
men, one reading and the other 
writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.” Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world. @longwall26

They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want. @JohnFugelsang

Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, “I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!” —Source: Funny in Brazil Survey

Poodle: "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat." Collie: "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" Poodle: "I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch."

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, "I'm a panda. Google me!" Sure enough, panda: "A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer …............. and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, "Hey, that's neat. Where did you get that?" The parrot says, "France—they've got millions of them there."

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "You don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often." The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.

Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they can't remember the words.

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot. "Who are you?" the burglar asks. "Moses," the bird replied. "Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed. "I dunno," Moses answered, "I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook replies, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49." The duck replies, "Put it on my bill."

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any jobs?" and the bartender says, "Why don't you try the circus?" The dog replies, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes. -- Russell Brand

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.

"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.

Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

A bilingual road sign in Wales caught bikers off guard. The English part read Cyclists Dismount. The Welsh: Llid Y Bledren Dymchwelyd, or "Bladder disease has returned." One theory for the mistake—instead of typing cyclist into an online translation program, someone typed cystitis.

When a neighbor's home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: "Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."

The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn't say how many birds there were. "The last thing I was going to do was look up," he told CNN.

I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.

Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams "I'm a star!" Like these actual pet names … Cats Cleocatra Bing Clawsby Chairman Meow Alexander the Grey Dogs Mary-Louise Barker Bettie Poops Virginia Woof Iggy Pup

A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where's my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.

Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: "Yeah, the service stinks!"

Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.

"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"

The cat replies, "Um, I'm a gnome."

Once I'd finished reviewing my daughter's homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. "What is a group of whales called?" I asked. "I'll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music." "An iPod?" she guessed. "Close," I said. "But what I'm thinking of is a little smaller." "A Shuffle!"

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," says the second owner.

"How do you know?"

"My dog told me."

Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney's Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"

What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.

"I'm okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."

My wife's response: "Who?"

Max the little camel walks into his parents' room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. "Another one?" says his father. "That's the second glass this month."

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )

"For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy."

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Would you?"

A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don't you just take it to the zoo?"

The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep. "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.

"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I'm taking him to the movies."

A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.

In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.

"Run! Run!" the manager screams.

"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."

This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
Cow's don't "who" they "MOO"

During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.

"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.

Her husband's slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."

When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That's great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."

A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered. "Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked. "Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That's how we got into this mess in the first place."

A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes … she was a mess.

"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.

"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I'm going to be sick, I might as well have company."

This report from an agent landed on my desk in the auto claims division of our insurance company: "Driver encountered a large deer that jumped out from the woods to challenge his vehicle. The deer attacked his vehicle without having any insurance."

John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John's grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"

For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear any more about it!"

Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"