Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any strangers.
@Joshmalina
RD.COM Jokes One-Liners Page 4
One-Liners
Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh.
Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien.
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Skip To The Good Part, Please
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
@juliussharpe
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
@juliussharpe
LOLHumans.com
I bet cats have
a secret website where they
upload clips of cute humans
trying to open DVD packaging
and jump-start
cars.
@rolldiggity
I bet cats have
a secret website where they
upload clips of cute humans
trying to open DVD packaging
and jump-start
cars.
@rolldiggity
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Hunter, Gatherer, Manager?
I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.
From meetingboy.com
I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.
From meetingboy.com
Quip To Complete Purchase
I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the
receptionist suggested
I use their website.
Peter Serafinowicz
I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the
receptionist suggested
I use their website.
Peter Serafinowicz
Killing Time Online
The only people who don’t click Skip on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.
@Damienfahey
The only people who don’t click Skip on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.
@Damienfahey
Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my
advantage. I take that as a compliment.
Submitted by reader D. T.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my
advantage. I take that as a compliment.
Submitted by reader D. T.
That's What I Call 'Force Quit'
I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.
Comedian Dan Burt
I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads.
Comedian Dan Burt
The Airborne Obnoxious Event
“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight. Because you’re special air.” —A burp to a sneeze
Comedian Andrew Hibbard
“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight. Because you’re special air.” —A burp to a sneeze
Comedian Andrew Hibbard
The Only Qualification…
The only qualification for working at an airline is making
a confused face at a monitor.
Comedian Julius Sharpe
The only qualification for working at an airline is making
a confused face at a monitor.
Comedian Julius Sharpe
Catch and Retweet
Give a man a fish, and he’ll
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
@hipstermermaid
Give a man a fish, and he’ll
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
@hipstermermaid
I Invented a New Word:
plagiarism.
Submitted by M. R.
plagiarism.
Submitted by M. R.
Psyched Out
I spent four years in
college. I didn’t learn
a thing. It was really
my own fault. I had
a double major
in psychology
and reverse
psychology.
B. J. Novak, who says he was
hired as a writer
for The Office
on the strength
of the joke above.
I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology. B. J. Novak,...
Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Speak Softly, Kick Gently
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for
a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for
a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
Five-Finger Flip-Flop
Give me a one-handed economist!
All my
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.”
Harry Truman
Give me a one-handed economist!
All my
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.”
Harry Truman
Wake The Prez
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
—Ronald Reagan
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
—Ronald Reagan
Right to Ignore
Being president is like
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Bill Clinton
Being president is like
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Bill Clinton
Gorgeous George
I don’t think George
Clooney has
a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”
Comedian
Eli Yudin
I don’t think George
Clooney has
a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”
Comedian
Eli Yudin
Lower Your Ears
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all the credit.
@ludwig (Ludwig Pettersson)
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all the credit.
@ludwig (Ludwig Pettersson)
Portable Primping
People always ask me how long
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.
Dolly Parton
People always ask me how long
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.
Dolly Parton
Camera Nostalgia
One time, a guy handed me a
picture and said, “Here’s a picture
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Comedian Mitch...
Trappiest Place on Earth
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.”
Conan O’Brien
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part...
How Hot Was It?
It was so hot in Beverly Hills,
people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
It was so hot in Beverly Hills,
people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
A Unified Assault
Hold, Brothers, Hold ... CHARGE!!! (Ice at the bottom of my cup)
Demetri Martin
Hold, Brothers, Hold ... CHARGE!!! (Ice at the bottom of my cup)
Demetri Martin
“Dad?”
“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano
Sam Grittner
“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano
Sam Grittner
Father’s Day is Important Because…
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
Jimmy Fallon
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
Jimmy Fallon
I Gave My Father $100…
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner
I Got All My Looks…
I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment.
@MrBigFists
I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment.
@MrBigFists
You’re Never Alone
If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse, go to your gym. There’ll be somebody at the locker right next to yours.
@bazecraze (Alex Baze)
If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse, go to your gym. There’ll be somebody at the locker right next to yours.
@bazecraze (Alex Baze)
The Burn of Solitude
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
@jimmykimmel
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
@jimmykimmel
Cats Are Smarter
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
—Jeff Valdez
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
—Jeff Valdez
How Lazy is He???
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
A Dog is More Than A Friend
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...
—Elayne Boosler
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...
—Elayne Boosler
A Genius Solution
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
Law of Diminishing Returns
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Electricity is Really Just…
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
It’s Been Raining so Much in LA that…
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
Jay Leno
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
Jay Leno
My Food’s Food
"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally given me the food my food eats." —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables
Parks and Recreation
"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally given me the food my food eats." —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables
Parks and Recreation
The Time Traveler Protest
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH
@johnfreiler
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH
@johnfreiler
I Hide Photos…
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
@EliTerry
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
@EliTerry
Swimming is Confusing…
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
Every Time I Say That…
Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.
@adamhess1
Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision....
I Don’t Want To Say We Eat Out…
I don’t want to say we eat out
a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car.
—Julie Kidd
I don’t want to say we eat out a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car. —Julie Kidd
Taking The Cake
“You can’t have your cake and
eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake
is for.
—@ShiraSelko
“You can’t have your cake and
eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake
is for.
—@ShiraSelko
A Beef With Tapas
Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn diagram midpoint of my two least favorite things
in the world: small portions and sharing
with anybody.
—@EireannDolan
Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn diagram midpoint of my two least favorite things
in the world: small portions and sharing
with anybody.
—@EireannDolan
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Lunchtime MVP
Bacon was definitely the
first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
—@joshgondelman
Bacon was definitely the
first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
—@joshgondelman
Expired Logic
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
—George Carlin
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
—George Carlin
I Went To A Restaurant That Serves…
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright
Untangling Earbuds Is The New…
On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished
a cardigan by now.
—Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com
On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished
a cardigan by now.
—Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com
The Key To Eating Healthy…
The key to eating healthy is
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
—Comedian Mike Birbiglia
The key to eating healthy is
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
—Comedian Mike Birbiglia
Next Time Someone Complains About…
Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
—@BoobsRadley
Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
—@BoobsRadley
I’d Like To Have A Kid…
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
—@DamienFahey
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
—@DamienFahey
Gigs In Space
Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s
always so much fun when artists
do a show in their hometown.
—Jimmy Fallon,
on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s always so much fun when artists do a show in their hometown....
Composing An Insult
How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back:
•“If he had been making shell
casings during the war, it might
have made for better music.”
Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel
•“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.”
Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner
•“I liked the opera very much.
Everything but the music.”
Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky
—Source: classicfm.com
How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back: •“If he had been making shell casings during the war, it might have made for better...
What Does it Mean if…
What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck?
—@Suddain
What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck?
—@Suddain
If 13 is Unlucky…
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
—Mitch Hedberg
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
—Mitch Hedberg
Find a Penny, Pick it up…
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot.
—@JennyJohnsonHi5
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot.
—@JennyJohnsonHi5
Today is Thursday the 13th…
Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians.
—@KeatingThomas
Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians.
—@KeatingThomas
For Every Set of Horseshoes…
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
—Allan Sherman
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
—Allan Sherman
Research has Found…
Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.
—Jimmy Fallon
Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the...
Candied Scams
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
Non-Belieber
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
A chilling realization
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
The Latest Food Trend
I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. (It was a raw tomato.)
@samir
I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. (It was a raw tomato.)
@samir
My wife says I’m unsophisticated…
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”
Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com
My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.” Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com
I saw a documentary on…
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
—Stewart Francis
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
—Stewart Francis
When I was a child…
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
—Stewart Francis
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
—Stewart Francis
It’s weird that NFL players…
It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats.
—@shawnries
It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats.
—@shawnries
I prefer the tight yoga pants…
I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear.
—@QuinnK
I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear.
—@QuinnK
Anyone who thinks women…
Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.
—Nora Barry
Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.
—Nora Barry
My dad didn’t text…
My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England.
—@joshgondelman
My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England.
—@joshgondelman
The rules of football…
The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most
complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is.
—Julian McCullough
The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most
complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is.
—Julian McCullough