Jokes

Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.

Whale That’s Funny

Q: Why did the whale cross the street? A: To get to the other tide.

Old Fashioned

My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned. I thought we had good alchemy.

The Easy Way Up

My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator. I guess we are raised differently.

High Temperatures

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned on the air conditioning.

Hackers Beware

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

The Car Got Us Here

The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?” My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.” I said, “My truck.”

Milking Time

My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son. She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

Not Mutual

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels. She didn’t know I existed.

Forgetful Dad

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

How the Tables Have Turned

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home the tables were turned.

Husband on the Phone

I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Is this her first child?” I said, “No, this is her...

Apology Not Accepted

My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

A Date Every Year

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. February 14th.

Cheap Spouse

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life. I’m not buying it.

What She’s Always Wanted

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar… She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

Still a Kid

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think...

Bigger Frame

My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter wide frame for our wedding photo. Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.

Let Him Go

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes… You need to let that mango.

Bubbly Romance

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

Snooping Spouse

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

Video Game Relationship

My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!” Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

New Outfit

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, “Wait, I can change.”

Twisting Words

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment…

Warning

Q: Daddy, why are all those cars beeping their horns? A: Because there's a wedding going happening. Q: Don't we been the horn a warning signal, Daddy? A: Exactly, son.

Lean Forward

Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. A: That’s just how I roll.

Money Stinks

Q: How much money does a skunk have? A: One scent!

Food For Thought

Q: What vegetables do librarians like? A: Quiet peas.

Out Of This World Learning

Q: Why didn't the sun go to college? A: Because it already had a million degrees!

Men Never Listen

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...

Monkeying Around

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.

Beef It Up

Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stroganoff.

State Pride

Q. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? A. Mini-soda!

Fig-ures

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Figs. Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it's broken!

A Love of Biblical Proportions

Q. Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? A. No, they had an apple!

Sparks Are Flying

Q. What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love? A. "I found the perfect match!"

Caught the Love Bug

Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love? They're getting married in the spring!

Love Stinks

Q. Why do skunks love Valentine's Day? A. Because they're scent-imental creatures!

All Smiles

Q. How are stars like false teeth? A. They both come out at night!

Bug Plus Bird

Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A. A walkie-talkie!

Pisces Plus Pachyderm

Q. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? A. Swimming trunks!

Doggie Dance

Q. Why aren't dogs good dancers? A. Because they have two left feet!

A proposal

How did the telephone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

Getting sick

How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!

Spelling mishap

Q: Erin, spell mouse. A: M O U S. Q: Yes–and what's on the end of it? A: A tail?

Exercisers

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

The Hunter’s Birthday

What do you get a hunter for his birthday? A birthday pheasant

Out of this world

Q: What do planets like to read? A: Comet books!

Cheese factory

Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? A: All that was left was de brie.

Birthday Clam

What does a clam do on his birthday? He shellabrates!

This little dog went to the market

Q: What type of market should you NEVER take your dog? A: A flea market!

The Hard Birthday Cake

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!

Dog breeds

Q: Which dog breed is guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes? A: A Chi-ha-ha!

Corny jokes

Corny jokes are a-maize-ing.

Is It Getting Hot in Here?

Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday? Because people kept toasting him!

Sushi what?

Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B? A: Wasabi!

QUITTER

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Welcome to the World

When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Diamonds for the Birthday Girl

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Birthday Heartburn

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

The Most Common Birthday Present

What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older!

Burn Baby Burn

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one? No, they both burn shorter!

Bring Out the Candles

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

A Ghostly Birthday Cake

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer? An "I scream" cake

Kangaroo Birthday

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!

Math Buddies

Q: What do you call friends who love math? A: algebros

Wandering Numbers

Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still? A: A roamin' numeral.

Smaller Waist

Q: What does the zero say to the eight? A: Nice belt!

Christmas Calculation

Q: How is an artificial Christmas tree like the fourth root of -68? A: Neither has real roots.

Number’s Lunch

Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch? A: They already 8 (ate)!

Middle School Math

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples? A: A middle school math problem!

Math Discipline

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children? A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

Math Professor Voice-Mail

Q: How do you know when you’ve reached your Math Professors voice-mail? A: The message is “The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees...

2 Fast

Q: What did 2 say to 4 after 2 beat him in a race? A: 2 Fast 4 U!