When a soldier came to the
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was
I in there for?”
Joanne Korman, Bedford, Nova Scotia
Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should
expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then opened the floor to questions.
A lieutenant stood up and asked, “Is that 24 hours our time or 24 hours their time?”
Jesse Kane, Iowa City, Iowa
My gunnery sergeant and
I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked.
He snapped off a salute and
responded, “I don’t know, sir!”
Turning to the sergeant, he asked, “Gunnery, where is my foxhole?”
“You’re standing in it, sir,” said
the sergeant. “All you have to do is remove the dirt.”
Ret. Lt. Col. Joseph Como,
Greenwood, South Carolina
“Halt!” shouted our drill
instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the
directionally challenged Marine
and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the
one that hurts.”
Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered
the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. Rather than move, he called the bridge: “Hey,” he said, “can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Thanks.”
Students are great about
sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why:
“Dear Soldier, If you’re having
a rough day, remember the most
important thing in life is to be
yourself. Unless you can be Batman.”
“Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red
Hot Chili Peppers.”
“I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts.”
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn’t salute. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman.
“Thanks for coming back for me,” the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. “Airmen’s mess, sir.”
Savita Singh, Noida, India
I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.”
The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard.
G. C., via mail
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
While on maneuvers in the
Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
Jesse Joe Wingo, Gaylord, Michigan
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and
I was right, because suddenly, he
fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!”
Ventnor City, New Jersey
When I spotted a Navy captain
on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II.
The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.”
“What’s an LMD?” I asked.
“Large mahogany desk.”
Michael Ciavolino, Bel Air, Maryland
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting
unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”
Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska
My husband is infantry, and
he said the most wonderful things
to convince me to marry him:
• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.
• I could have as many babies as
I want because giving birth is free.
• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
(molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions
of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.
Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.
We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that
fact. Anytime someone asked what his father did, he’d say, “He’s in the Army.” I told him umpteen times, “Stop telling people I’m in the Army!” It finally seemed to hit home because on the admittance form
for kindergarten, under “father’s
profession,” the teacher wrote, “He doesn’t know what his father does, but he’s not in the Army.”
R. Wayne Edwards, Somerville, Texas
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”