Love Jokes

Chemistry In The Soup Kitchen

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed 
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a 
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut

A Brow Beating

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

Our Favorite Hashtags on Dating

#GeekPickupLines: My name’s 
Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?    

@tillinghast (Mark Dryzcimski)

#RobotPickupLines: “You had me 
at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.”

@pound_hashtag

#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!”

@menshumor

#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone

@iowahawkblog (David Burge)

Love Lost, 
Love Found On Craigslist

• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: 
It was worn “by Satan herself.” 
The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave 
a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not 
limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”

• This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our 
conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh …,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued, 
“I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were 
trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But 
if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”

Tailor-Made Quips

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

—John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri

Prepare for Takeoff

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

—Glen Phenix, Apex, North Carolina

Read All About It

Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie—What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”
—Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell

Making the Grade

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”
—Contributed by Brad Wilcox

Perfectly Paired Puns

As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”
—Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman

Dates from Hell

Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these 
@FirstDateHell dates.

• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.

• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax 
machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from 
her mouth.

• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.

A Failure to Communicate

A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”

“Now, calm down,” says his 
father-in-law. “There must be a 
simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”

Too Close for Comfort

Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in 
a woody allen movie.”

She got this 
response from Mia Farrow: “Tried that. Didn’t work.”

A Man’s Guide to Fine Dining

A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.

“That’s lovely,” she said. “What are we going to have?”

He said, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.”

From Jokes Every Woman Should Know (Quirk), edited by Jennifer Worick

Devoted and Determined

During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, “Okay, okay!” Then, as an afterthought: “But don’t let it happen again!”
—Contributed by Sandra L. Caron

Irresistible Irony

About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my messages and discovered one from my ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”
—Contributed by Pat Patel

Mower Than a Greeting Card

My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”
—Contributed by Gene Hyde

9 to 5 Love

My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine’s Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: “Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren’t thinking of you, I’d probably be through.”
—Contributed by Cindy Wolf

Pastoral Passion

The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked.
—Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo

Sweet Nothings (.com)

My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a modem.”
—Contributed by Anne McConnell

Check Out a Romance

I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”
—Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow

A Little Nuts About Love

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts”
—Contributed by Theodore Bologna

'Til Death Do Us Part

I suppose it speaks volumes about the state of my marriage when I admit to nodding knowingly at a remark made by a colleague.

She was telling me about the death of another co-worker’s spouse, when she commented, "How sad. They’d been married only five years, so I imagine she still loved him."

 

Courtship

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before approaching his beloved.

Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, “My darling,

I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?”

The princess turns around, smiles, and says, “Pardon?”

Movie Producer

At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, “At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer.”

The woman nodded. “I’ll make a note of that: ‘has-been movie producer.'”

3 Relationship Terms

Author Cindy Chupack coined these useful neologisms to help those dating today.

Man-me-downs: Men who are passed on from one woman to another after a failed attempt at romance.

Cupidity: The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but clueless third party to believe that two random singles are perfect for each other.

DNRR (Do Not Resuscitate Romance): A directive that you are not, under any circumstance, allowed to revive a past relationship.

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