Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
#GeekPickupLines: My name’s Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?
@tillinghast (Mark Dryzcimski)
#RobotPickupLines: “You had me at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.”
#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!”
#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone
@iowahawkblog (David Burge)
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.” The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”
• This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh …,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued, “I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”
• When Harry Met Sally and Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos
• Love Handles, Actually
• Runaway Bridal Expenses
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
—John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri
My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
—Glen Phenix, Apex, North Carolina
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
—Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”
What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse? “I’ve got a crutch on you.”
What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day? Happy Independence Day!
Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie—What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”
—Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”
—Contributed by Brad Wilcox
As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”
—Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman
Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these @FirstDateHell dates.
• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from her mouth.
• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
Olive you and I don’t care who knows it!
A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”
“Now, calm down,” says his father-in-law. “There must be a simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”
Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in a woody allen movie.”
She got this response from Mia Farrow: “Tried that. Didn’t work.”
A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal.
“That’s lovely,” she said. “What are we going to have?”
He said, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.”
—From Jokes Every Woman Should Know (Quirk), edited by Jennifer Worick
During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in … Read More
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be … Read More
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a … Read More
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine’s Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on… Read More
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer… Read More
My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively… Read More
I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the … Read More
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t… Read More
I suppose it speaks volumes about the state of my marriage when I admit to nodding knowingly at a remark made by a colleague.She was telling me about the death of another co-worker’s spouse, when she commented, "How sad. They’d been … Read More
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before approaching his beloved.
… Read More
At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, “At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer… Read More
Author Cindy Chupack coined these useful neologisms to help those dating today. Man-me-downs: Men who are passed on from one woman to another after a failed attempt at romance. Cupidity: The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but … Read More