While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money
I made from selling the dolls.”
#GeekPickupLines: My name’s
Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?
@tillinghast (Mark Dryzcimski)
#RobotPickupLines: “You had me
#ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!”
#MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone
@iowahawkblog (David Burge)
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat:
It was worn “by Satan herself.”
The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave
a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not
limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”
• This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our
conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh …,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued,
“I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were
trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But
if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”
• When Harry Met Sally and
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos
• Love Handles, Actually
• Runaway Bridal Expenses
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
—John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri
My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
—Glen Phenix, Apex, North Carolina
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
—Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”
What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse? “I’ve got a crutch on you.”
What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day? Happy Independence Day!
Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie—What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”
—Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”
—Contributed by Brad Wilcox
As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”
—Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman
Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these
• He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead.
• In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax
machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from
• He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.
Olive you and I don’t care who knows it!