Funny Stories

Sign above the toilet in a women’s latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: “If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong one.” Mike Lins, Savage, Minnesota

After leaving the Army, I applied for a hunting permit but was told I would first need to take a hunter’s safety course. “I’m a veteran, trained in handling firearms,” I said. “Why wouldn’t I get a waiver?” The clerk replied, “Because we teach you not to shoot people.” Fred Jarrett, Norfolk, New York

I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection. “Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.” Sam Cohen, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

I recently learned a valuable lesson regarding what not to say to patients. At our large hospital, I watched as a nursing assistant pushed an elderly woman in a wheelchair. As he opened the door leading from the clinic into the hospital wing, the patient looked confused. “Where are we?” she asked. The nursing assistant gently explained, “We’ve gone over to the other side.” Cheryl McCormick, Roanoke, Virginia

I eavesdropped on two of my language arts students. The first one asked, “Did you warsh your hands?” “It’s not warsh, it’s wash,” said the other. “The r is silent.” Tiffany Brown, Blue Springs, Missouri

When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, 
I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.” The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.” Michael E. Hunt, Woodacre, California

Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address, and the message goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: “My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. “P.S. It's really hot!”

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen.” —Source: Funny in China Survey

Our professor had run through some of philosophy’s heaviest hitters: Xenophanes, Anaxagoras, Descartes, Schleiermacher, and Nietzsche. He had just started in on Pierre Teilhard de Chardin when a voice begged, “Did anyone named Smith ever write anything?” Rev. Russell Wisehart, Harlan, Iowa

“What are you doing?” asked my mother after I pressed several 
buttons on her microwave. “Reheating these leftovers for two minutes at 80 percent.” “I didn’t know you could do that.” “Sure. How do you reheat bacon?” “Oh,” she said, “that’s two biscuits and a popcorn.” Robin Roberson, Sandy, Utah

Leafing through Madison, Wisconsin’s Capital Times, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for family named Dingle.” Allen Klein, San Francisco, California

I asked my pastor, “If I don’t quit smoking, will I go to hell?” “No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.” Carolyn Owens, Minneapolis, Minnesota

A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an ax to use on an overgrown shrub. I put the ax in a bag and went a few doors down 
to the grocery store, where I bought two bottles of wine. As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the ax. “This,” he said, “has all the makings of a very interesting weekend.” Lyle Brewer, Palm Springs, California

Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a package. Struggling to keep hold of her, I joked, “As you can see, she just loves UPS men.” Circumnavigating us, he muttered, “Don’t you feed her anything else?” Donald Dawson, Gilbert, Arizona

Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.” Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.” —Source: Funny in Switzerland

Think it’s easy being a landlord? Check out these tenant complaints: “The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.” “Fifty percent of the walls are damp, 50 percent have crumbling plaster, and 50 percent are just plain filthy.” “My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.” “I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.” “I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.” “It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.” From planetproctor.com

My father-in-law asked his wife what he should name his new boat. She said, “Name it after me.” The next time she saw the boat, it had After Me on the back of it. 
 —Perce Cox, on gcfl.net

My wife is a very adventurous cook. “How does this sound?” she called out from the kitchen. “Bonito, surimi, and anchovies in a decadent, silky broth.” “Sounds delicious,” I hollered back. “Is that what we’re having tonight?” “No. I’m reading from this packet of cat food.” —David Wellings, India

On my way home from my mother’s, I realized I’d left my cell phone at her house. So I went back to get it. Upon retrieving it, I noticed I had a message from Mom. She’d texted, “You left your phone.” —David Obando, Houston, Texas

My sister got a call from her son’s kindergarten teacher. When he’d gone in to check on Little James in the bathroom, he noticed the boy was using a urinal. “That’s odd,” my sister said. “We never taught him how to use a urinal.” “I could tell,” said the teacher. “He was sitting in it.” —Esther Olchewski, West Valley City, Utah

When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so 
old girlfriends. “How’d it go?” I asked when he returned. “Thank God I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows.” —Bill Notchman, Montclair, New Jersey

A customer’s request to the general store in his vacation town: “I would like to reserve a New York Times, Star-Ledger, and Post for every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from June 22 till Labor Day. However, we will be in Greece from July 1 to July 8. My son may or may not pick up the papers then, we don’t know. We will be in Spain for two weeks in August. Not sure which two, though. We’ll try to let you know. Oh, and we don’t need the Times on any Mondays in July, except the 8th of July.” The store’s response: “Effective July … we will no longer be reserving newspapers.” —jimromenesko.com

From the news: “Bob” was considered a star at the computer company where he worked. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews. And now we know why: Without his boss’s knowledge, “Bob” had outsourced his entire job to a company in China—for a fifth of his salary. He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos. —Source: nydailynews.com

My friend, a flight attendant, asked a businessman what he would like to drink. After thinking about it, he replied, “Coffee … to go.” —Angela McEntee, Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Two women came to my photo studio to have their portrait taken. My very young and very naïve assistant asked, “Are you two sisters?” “No,” said one of the women. “We’re partners.” “Ohhhh …,” said my assistant. “So how long have you ladies been cops?” —Jennifer Cordova, Glendale, Arizona

Bookstore owners share their customers’ oddest requests. “Where’s your true fiction section?” Holding an autographed book: “I want to buy this book but not this copy because someone’s written in it.” “Do you have Pride and Produce?” Source: dailymail.co.uk

My neighbor, a police officer, pulled someone over for texting while driving, a big no-no in our state. The driver was having none of it. “I was not texting!” she  insisted indignantly. “I was on Facebook.” —Brenda Morales, Crown Point, Indiana

Overheard: a mother bragging about her daughter. “She’s very articulate. She can draw anything.” Rhonda Turnbow, Cunningham, Kentucky

I went with a friend to the country to look at a house he was thinking of buying. We found the town but not the road. We drove over to city hall, but no one there had heard of the road, not even the police or firefighters we asked. Finally, a young guy came to our aid. Pulling out a map, he showed us exactly how to get there. “Thanks,” I said. “Are you with the police or fire department?” “Neither,” he said. “I deliver pizzas.” —Thomas Ellsworth, on gcfl.net

My sister got a call from a telemarketer who was selling replacement windows. “I can’t use them,” she said. “I’m renting an apartment.” “No problem,” he said. “You can take the windows with you when you move.” — Laura O’Neal, Euclid, Ohio

In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.” My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?” Lauren Joyce, San Rafael, California

While phoning a friend, my grandmother dialed the wrong number. She apologized and tried again, but she got the same number. Once more she hung up and redialed—same result. Now Grandma was frustrated. “Look,” she told the person on the other end, “I’m going to call my friend again. This time, don’t answer her phone!” —Danielle Gilleland, Louisburg, North Carolina

On a trip to Sweden, I asked a few people where I could find some good local cuisine. “This is a pretty cosmopolitan city, so you can find just about any kind of international food that you’d like,” said one man. “But if you want truly local cuisine, get the meatballs at IKEA.” Patrick Klever, Richmond, Kentucky

I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, “Thanks for putting up with me so long.” When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work. “Where are you going?” she asked. “What do you mean?” I said. She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.” —George Arnold, Melbourne, Florida

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.” A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” his wife asks. He replies, “They had avocados.” Submitted by Tom Buoye, Manchester, New Jersey

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would cost $6 per person. “However,” he said, “if you’re over 65, the price will be $5.50.” From the back of the congregation, a woman shouted, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?” —Thomas Ellsworth, gcfl.net

Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: “We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget.” —Rachel Wagner, Bixby, Oklahoma

I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” she said. “I already cut it in half.” —Christine Smart, Dayton, Ohio

Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll. “A phone book?” asked her friend. “You know,” said my daughter. 
“A book with numbers in it.” “Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.” —Karen Eccles, La Mesa, California

My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. My grandma thought it was a scale. 
Conclusion: My grandma weighs $950. —From awesomephilia.com

A month ago, my friend announced on Facebook that she was no 
longer ordering the large Coke at McDonald’s and would order only the small size. But the other day, looking to satisfy a craving, she drove up to the intercom at the drive-through and ordered a large soft drink. A disembodied voice 
replied, “I thought you were cutting back.” —Julie Engelhardt, Hollister, California

During a science lesson, my sister-in-law picked up a magnet and 
said to her second-grade class, “My name begins with the letter M, and 
I pick things up. What am I?” A little boy answered, “You’re a mommy.” —Robert Boyer, Marion, Indiana

Customer: Pardon me, I’m lost. Me: What are you looking for? Customer: I’m looking for Milkjer Boulevard. Me: I’ve never heard of it. Can I see your directions? Customer: Sure. See, it’s spelled 
M-L-K-J-R Boulevard.

Take heed, scientists: Not every scientific advancement is Nobel Prize worthy. Some must lay claim to an Ig Nobel Prize, awarded by the Annals of Improbable Research magazine: The Prize for Physiology went to the report "No Evidence of Contagious Yawning in the Red-Footed Tortoise." The Prize for Medicine went to a study that demonstrates that people make better decisions about some kinds of things — but worse decisions about other kinds of things — when they have a strong urge to urinate. The Prize for Biology went to the discovery that a particular kind of beetle mates with a particular kind of Australian beer bottle.

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, "What trait do you think I passed on to my children?" One student called out, "Wrinkles!"

Needing to escape her hectic office, my friend fled to the mall, bought a candy bar, and then relaxed on a bench next to a businessman. Soon, she heard the sound of a crumpling wrapper and realized that he was eating her candy bar. When he went to work on an ice cream cone, she leaned over and took a huge lick. "There!" she declared. She then stormed off to her car, reached into her purse for her keys, and pulled out the candy bar she thought he'd eaten.

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system: "If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."

In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. "Can't find Brillo pads," she wrote. "All they have are Tampax and Kotex."

My friend reviewed her young son's fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: "At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____." His response: "Receipts."

You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary: “She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.” “Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.” “Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.” “Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”

There are people who have green thumbs. And then there's me, Ms. Black Thumb. I didn't think anyone else noticed until the day my sister visited. "I found this in the yard," she said, handing me a potted plant as she came in the door. "I think the wind blew it off your deck." "It wasn't the wind," my husband joked. "It jumped."

Shortly after the FAA announced the ban on fluids, my husband was stopped by airport security because they found a bottle of water in one of his carry-on bags. "Sorry," the officer said, tossing the bottle into a bin of confiscated items, "but water is now considered a liquid."  

"I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh. "Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid." "Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."    

You didn't have to be a brain surgeon to figure out that a customer at our post office was an off-duty mail clerk from another plant. He'd written on his package, "Fragile: Toss Underhand."

Few people know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore—I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you know what I do?" "Yes," she said. "You're a cheerleader."

She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "You know what kills me ... ?" Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing."

My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, "It seems like I'm always looking for something in your kitchen." "That's good," Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, "Because when you know where to look, it's time to go home."

When I put on my new chef uniform -- a pair of very baggy, loud-striped pants -- I was mildly horrified. But my wife was philosophical. "It's okay, honey," she said in her soothing way. "You're just a victim of circus pants."

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

Dating is complicated. You don't believe us? Here are some examples: Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook. I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep. My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through. I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.

When a neighbor's home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: "Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: "Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed."

After my ten-year-old daughter declared her disgust with cosmetic surgery, I dropped a bomb on her. "Don’t be too quick to judge," I told her. "Before college, I had a nose job." She was completely thrown. "You mean," she said, "it was bigger?"

It’s tough enough selling a home nowadays. Don’t make the mistakes that turned off these readers on the City Room blog of The New York Times: • "It was a good house, well-maintained. But the bed with the person in it was off-putting." • "The family dog, long departed, was stuffed and standing next to the fireplace. RIP Sparky." • "The main distraction was dirt. Although there was the tiny child who proudly showed us the refrigerator full of ‘Daddy’s beer’ just outside an upstairs bedroom."

My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, "There is no room at the inn." But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn't have the heart to turn him down. "Well," he said, "if it's so urgent, come on in."

I always thought my friend was disorganized, but after helping her move, I stand corrected. The label on a box I carried read "Stuff off the floor."

Dad passed away recently, and among the messages received by my mother was this e-mail from a great-niece: "Our thoughts are with you, Lucy. You and Chas are the last of an error."

I arrived home from work to find all the windows and doors wide open. Apparently our puppy had had an accident. "Yeah, it really stank," my daughter told me. "In fact, when we first walked in, I thought you had come home early and were cooking dinner."

Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he'd planned to stay, but I got a pretty good idea when I walked into his room recently. In the corner was a milk jug with a few coins in it and a label that read "Condo down payment."

My wife is a by-the-recipe baker. But that attention to detail still hasn't made her chocolate chip cookies taste any better. One day, after the cookies had been in the oven a while, I smelled a familiar odor. "They're burning," I shouted. "I know," she said nonchalantly. "Aren't you going to take them out?" "No. They still have six minutes."