Funny Stories

These funny stories will have you laughing for days.

See how your stories compare with these with these funny short stories you can share with the whole family.

A Late Graduation

At the age of 55, I finally got my bachelor’s degree and set out to become a substitute teacher. One day, a seventh grader asked if I’d been teaching long....

An Army of None

We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that fact. Anytime someone asked what his father did, he’d say, “He’s in the Army.” I told him...

Winter Punderland

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded...

Does That Come in Super-Size?

A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis. “And I’ll take the free wiffie also,” she said. “What?” asked...

No—I Prefer to Push

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?” “Last...

Sharknado Truthers

Scene: A secondhand movie 
exchange ... Me: Do you have the DVD of 
Sharknado? Clerk: Is that a documentary? Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia

Let Minnow

My husband and I were relaxing on lounge chairs on a Jamaica beach, half listening to a couple walking ankle deep in the clear water. The woman was extolling the...

“Where’s Aunt Florence?”

After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly...

Tollbooth Timer

I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After...

Guest Relations

Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject...

Holiday Heavyweights

The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to...

Horn of Plenty

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument “felt stuffy” and he couldn’t blow air through it. It’s not unusual...

Like Flower, Like Bud

As I entered the elevator at our hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations. I smiled knowingly and asked, “Does...

Well, That's a Creative Answer…

A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he...

Incumbent Imbecile

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a...

"Oh, and It Doesn't Have Arms or Legs."

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” I...

Start With a 5K…

One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k). “I’m considering it,” replied the second intern. Later, the first intern approached me...

IT’S CLASSIFIED

Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it: • Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably Source:...

Planedemonium

The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane...

For My Next Impression…

I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me. “Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said. “Hi, Eddie,” she replied. “So you...

Believe Me, I Would if I Could.

My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”...

The Scale of The Situation

We were stocking up on green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl helping us for 15 pounds’ worth. “I can only sell you ten pounds...

Department of Manic Voices

The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you...

That's Not How it Works, Dad.

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind...

Yo Quiero a Clean Criminal Record

Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later …] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required. From notalwaysworking.com

Our Office Needs a 3D Printer

Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the...

Shane. My Office. Now.

Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him: “Shane,...

Head to the Dentist

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of...

Put-Downs Down Under

A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

A Road Racket

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said. “It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll...

G-d Hates B.S.

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,”...

"You Need a Shorter Password."

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked,...

More Idiotic Job Applicant Blunders

We’ve been over this before: Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these job seekers had gotten the memo. • Applicant acted out a Star Trek role....

Virginal Word Choice

The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there...

Bad Soldier Mistakes

It’s important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from past gaffes: • “I was cold”...

spel chekers

On Facebook, the English language has few friends. Three examples: Post: I can’t stand people that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb. Response: Their, their,...

Toddler Wisdom

Events had left my son-in-law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our two-year-old grandson was nearby to dispense words of wisdom. “Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes batteries...

What Does DUMB Stand For?

While serving jury duty, I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one point, he picked up a piece of evidence and asked his client, who was...

One Way To Foil Fridge Thieves

The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.” We’ll skip over the details and...

Vitamin D(imwit)

Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins. Coworker #2: What’s that? Coworker #1: Vitamin D. Coworker #2: Why do you take that? Coworker #1: Because...

Bad Soup

The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress. “This soup is awful,” I said. “I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.”...

Family Loopholes

To get my cousin to write to her even once, my aunt resorted to sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.”...

10-Pin Puns

I recently stumbled upon 
my favorite new sports team. It’s 
a woman’s bowling squad called 
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. Jacqueline Tessman, 
Benton Harbor, Michigan

Barbershop Blunders

The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list. “What is it?” she asked. “Stephen, with a P-H,” I...

Behind The Newsprint

Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest: • News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.”...

No Emergency Exits, Thanks

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the...

Store Hours Are Never

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the...

Fools Brush In

“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked. “It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager. “Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the...

My New Power

I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.” Patricia Speilburg, Port Huron, Michigan

Did You Feel It?

I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store’s “Feel the Comfort” sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my...

King Soloman Jr.

We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed...

Jimmy Fallon Asked For Embarrassing Texts From Moms…

I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.” @StefenColalillo On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the...

What's a Hipster?

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is...

Strain in The Mass

Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman. Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin. Me: Oh, thank you. Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you....

Alphabet Soup or Salad?

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. “Maybe the list is alphabetical,” I offered. So he started searching from the bottom of...

Fast Friends

My husband was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop. “So,” the officer said, “have you...

That Bug Goes Around

Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.”...

Photographic Evidence

A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check. “Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” She dug though her purse...

Fax To The Future

One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. “Didn’t you keep the original...

Can I Do A Trade?

I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?” “Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”...

After The Gold Rush

Asked to pick the worst year ever, film director Peter Segal chose 1848, “the year gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill. Until then, you could find a nice piece of...

You Could've Said "Gender"

I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. I told...

Father of The Bribe

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was...

Bottom of The Toy Barrel

Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.” Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York

Kids Marry The Darnedest Things

My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t...

Spring Fever

One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. “Cindy won’t be here this afternoon?”...

Standby, Soldier

Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member...

That Springtime Smell

I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our...

No. 1 on Our List — Literally!

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket...

Paternal Payback

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat....

Pop Vs. Pup

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their...

Papa Bear

My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the...

What a Card!

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When...