Office Jokes

If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.” “I didn’t think the speed limit 
applied after midnight.” “The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.” Source: businessball.com

My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I don’t feel good. I’m 
going into screen saver mode.” L. Y., via Internet

While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s 
Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry. Jacob Cheeran, Thrissur, India  

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, 
demanding a refund. Client: You did my tattoo backward! Tattoo artist: It’s backward? Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now! Source: clientsfromhell.net

My boss was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. 
It was his wife. Source: fmylife.com

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?” William Umberson, San Diego, California

When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James 
offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.” It worked. When it came time 
for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.” Ruth Rowles, Halifax, Virginia

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss. @rmfnord

Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except 
for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.” Mark Latessa, Brownstown, Michigan

Scene: Inside a Best Buy store. Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder. Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily? Customer: Collard greens. Jessica Smith, Peachtree City, Georgia

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular 
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are 
comments purportedly made by 
patients to physicians during their procedures. “Now I know how a Muppet feels!” “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?” “Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?” Source: Dave Barry, in the Miami Herald

Request from a client: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist: “$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, 
and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into 
the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.

While taking stock of our 
products, I read aloud the final 
numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after 
I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his 
desk phone’s keypad. David Marland, on quora.com

Employee #1: I wouldn’t eat caviar. That’s fish eggs! Employee #2: I’d try it. After all, I eat chicken eggs. Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?! Source: overheardintheoffice.com

Thinking of skipping work? Don’t try these real excuses—they didn’t work the first time. • My false teeth flew out the window while I was driving down the highway. • I quit smoking and I’m grouchy. • My favorite football team lost 
on Sunday, so I needed Monday to 
recover. • I received a threatening phone 
call from the electric company and needed to report it to the FBI. • I got lost and ended up in a 
different state. From careerbuilder.com

I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill. @Popcorngoddess1

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.” “Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?” “No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.” Craig Ray, Johns Creek, Georgia

“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student. She explained that she’d fallen 
in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So when it came time to apply for colleges, she Googled “Western universities.” And that’s how she ended up here, at Western Carolina University. Bill Spencer, Cullowhee, North Carolina

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros: • Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.) • Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.) • References: “My landscaper.” 
(A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.) • Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!) • Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?) From resumania.com and Robert Half

The office Christmas party 
is a great opportunity to catch up 
with people you haven’t seen for 
20 minutes. @juliussharpe

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know. “Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since 
I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?” He said he did and thanked me. The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is 
So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent 
in Chinese?” From clientsfromhell.net

You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993? From meetingboy.com

At the age of 55, I finally got 
my bachelor’s degree and set out to 
become a substitute teacher. One day, a seventh grader asked if I’d been teaching long. “Actually, I’m brand-new,” I told him. “I just graduated.” Looking me up and down, he asked, “How long were you in college?” Debi Brim, Indianapolis, Indiana

From a passenger of the Vacaville, 
California, public bus company: Dear Sir, I would like to commend driver Lea 
Schroeder for the following reasons: 1. She frequently doesn’t stop for me when I’m waiting at the bus stop, but she always waves as she goes by. 2. If she’s running behind, she tells me, “Sit your butt down,” in a courteous way. 3. She nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week. 4. Although she usually gives me 
wrong instructions on which bus to 
take, I enjoy riding all around Vacaville on the different routes. 5. The way she suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead, and pulls several Gs of force when she turns corners unfailingly 
elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits. Once again, I would like to commend Lea Schroeder for her outstanding work. Sincerely yours, Robert V. From Lea Schroeder, Vacaville, California, a bus driver with a great sense of humor

As I entered the elevator 
at our hospital, a disheveled-
looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations. I smiled knowingly and asked, 
“Does he look like you?” “I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.” S. M. K., via mail

A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.” Fred Karn, Kearney, Missouri

Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project. Client: “We want a total of eight 
languages—English, French, Spanish, Canadian ...” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a 
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had 
bought her a beer. “I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.” “You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.” James Landis, 
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” I asked. “Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.” Charles Loeffler, Monument, Colorado

One of our interns asked 
another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k). “I’m considering it,” replied the second intern. Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned. “I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!” Rebekah Shue, Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Boss to underling: “When I 
told you that you smelled like bacon grease, it was a compliment.” Source: overheardintheoffice.com

The British foreign office helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded: • A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a stone wanted assurance that 
it would not happen again. • A man asked consular staff in Stockholm to check the credentials of a woman whom he had met online. • A man asked staff in Rome to translate a phrase for a tattoo that he 
wanted. Source: gov.uk

Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet. @Bridger_w

We all make mistakes. Some 
are just more public than others, 
like these real newspaper typos: “Here the bridal couple stood, 
facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.”     Modesto News-Herald (California) “It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan) “Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.”    Ohio paper “A headline in an item in the 
Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’”    Enquirer-Bulletin From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir 
(Three Rivers Press)

Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later …] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required. From notalwaysworking.com

Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of 
an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine. Gordon Knight, Stamford, Connecticut

Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him: “Shane, stop putting Some 
Assembly Required stickers on 
the eight-piece chickens.” “Shane, any free samples you 
give must come from the deli, not electronics.” “Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to 
Albertsons.” Source: foodbeast.com

Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines: Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!” Headline: Maryland Agrees to 
Tobacco Settlement Response: “Well, that’s all we 
need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?” Headline: C.C. United Se Une 
Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro 
Centroamerica Response: “I was disgusted with 
the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.” From gcfl.net

We’ve been over this before: 
Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these 
job seekers had gotten the memo. • Applicant acted out a Star Trek role. • Applicant asked for a hug. • Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits. • Applicant crashed her car into 
the building. From CareerBuilder’s 2014 Interview Blunders Survey

While serving jury duty, 
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one 
point, he picked up a piece of 
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see 
an acronym on this receipt. What 
would CAR stand for?” The defendant replied, “Car.” Kristi Boerner, Fleming, Colorado

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don 
a costume and act like an ape 
until the zoo can get another one. In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the 
lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage. Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens 
its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get 
us both fired?!”

The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.” We’ll skip over the details and 
go straight to the signature: 
“Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.” Source: someecards.com

Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins. Coworker #2: What’s that? Coworker #1: Vitamin D. Coworker #2: Why do you take that? Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun. Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan? Sally Churley, Cortland, Ohio

An irate patient called our 
pathology group, demanding that 
I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …” She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!” —From gcfl.net

When my customer ordered 
iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or 
unsweetened?” Her answer: “What’s the difference?” Ruth Anne Pluckhorn, Moorestown, New Jersey

If a company’s most valuable 
resource is its people, how come 
the employees aren’t locked up, 
but the toilet paper is in a 
reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall? Mark Severin, from humorlabs.com

The late comedian Mitch 
Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and 
I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”

Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest: • News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.” • Copy editor, as group of Cub Scouts gets a tour: “There it is, ‘Scared Straight: Newsroom Edition.’” • Producer: “Free food in the 
newsroom is like oxygen masks on an airplane. You get yours first, then 
you inform others.” Source: overheardinthenewsroom.com

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.” From fmylife.com

“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked. “It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager. “Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the second manager. “Well, I’ve been cleaning toilets with it,” said the first manager. “Um, I’m putting in for a new brush,” said the second manager. From notalwaysworking.com

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food. From meetingboy.com

I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.” Patricia Speilburg, Port Huron, Michigan

The only qualification for working at an airline is making 
a confused face at a monitor. Comedian Julius Sharpe

I spent four years in 
college. I didn’t learn 
a thing. It was really 
my own fault. I had 
a double major 
in psychology 
and reverse 
psychology. B. J. Novak, who says he was 
hired as a writer 
for The Office 
on the strength 
of the joke above.

My favorite part of the 
conference call was the first 20 
minutes of “Who just joined?” From meetingboy.com

Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.” Bill Spencer, Cullowhee, North Carolina

A customer walked up to my 
bank window and asked me to cash 
a check. “Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot. “That’s me in the middle,” she said. Deborah Berkley, Yakima, Washington

One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from 
an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. “Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked. “No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.” Sherri Smith, Carrollton, Texas

“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.” “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?” “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” From The Dumb Book (Reader’s Digest Books)

Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: “Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.” Source: Consumer Reports

One of the joys of working is 
the opportunity to expense stuff you need. But did employees go too far with these items? • Lottery tickets • Pet food • A tepee • Hot tub supplies • A fine for crashing into a tollbooth Source: Robert Half Management Resources

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all the credit. @ludwig (Ludwig Pettersson)

Graduate school students 
spend a lot of effort writing their 
thesis papers, often in arcane, smarty-pants-speak. However, a few deigned to simplify their findings: • “Some mice lick one foot more, and some mice lick the other foot more; it depends on the mouse.” 
(Psychology, McGill University) • “People don’t care what their subway stop is called, so it’s a good thing I stood outside in the rain and asked them.” (Urban Studies, University of Pennsylvania) • “A kind of string theory nobody thought was true is probably not true.” (Physics, Brown University) Source: lolmythesis.com

I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s 
a cute guy standing here.” Before 
I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.” Source: fmylife.com

• Waitress wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years’ experience. • Piano player wanted. Must have knowledge of opening clams. • Now hiring cashier. Cannot look like “Skeletor” from “He-Man.” • Cab drivers wanted. Must have good driving & criminal record. Sources: top5.com, kulfoto.com, uselesshumor.com

Tired of referring to your bosses with the same old, sorry 
expletives? Try some from abroad: Chinese: “Your mother is a big turtle.” Yiddish: “May you lie in the ground and bake bagels.” Bulgarian: “You are as ugly as salad.” Finnish: “Your mother married a reindeer!” Source: globalpost.com

Spotted on a restaurant’s website: “Glutton-free menu available.” Emily Payne, Greenville, South Carolina Seen on a New York City subway poster: “Se habla Español/Russian.” Aaron Fernando, Richmond Hill, New York Read off a pharmacy marquee: “We sell beer & wine! We can flavor your child’s liquid Rx!” Source: Consumer Reports

There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These: • I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I'd read off was upper- or lowercase. • Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool. • A few of the things customers have asked for at our art-supply store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood. • I'm a butcher. A woman asked if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas. Source: reddit.com

A mother complained to my wife, 
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils. “It’s not the money—it’s the 
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.” Roger Prengel, Lacey, Washington