A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

Office Jokes

Laugh out loud with these funny office jokes.

Work hard, play hard! Step outside your cubicle and share our funny office jokes and knock – knock office jokes that will make you everyone’s favorite coworker.

Making the Case

While I was assigned to the space shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers requested a new dictionary. Following regulations, I asked him why he needed...

Poor Excuse for an Employee

Need a reason for being late to work? Don’t try these—they didn’t help any of the workers who actually used them. My deodorant was frozen to the windowsill. My car...

Get Me Copy!

September is Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month. As these quotes from overheardinthenewsroom.com prove, we need all the sympathy we can get. First editor: "They just sent in a...

Possession Charge

During her retirement party from the Cook County State’s Attorney’s office, coworkers told stories about my less-than-worldly mother. My favorite came from her supervisor, who recalled one of the first...

Skills

I called a temp agency looking for work, and they asked if I had any phone skills. I said, "I called you, didn't I?"

Bad Interviews

Going on a job interview? Take pity on the poor hiring managers, who filed these reports: "The applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room." "The candidate...

Funny Character Descriptions

Humorist Phil Proctor does a lot of radio voice-overs. But his favorite part of the job is reading the character descriptions in the script: • "We’re looking for the voice...

Emergency

I opened the refrigerator at work to get my lunch. Instead of my dessert, I found this note: "IOU one banana cream. Sorry, it was an emergency. Sharon."

Indispensable

When my boss returned to the office, he was told that everyone had been looking for him. That set him off on a speech about how indispensable he was to...

Odd Job

One read through this man’s résumé and it was no wonder he was looking for a new line of work: Under "Previous Job," he’d written, "Stalker at Walmart."

TMI

A job application made me do a double take. After the entry "Sex," the applicant had written, "Once in Florida."

Experience

I won't be hiring this assistant soon, even if her résumé boasts, "I'm a team player with 16 years of assassinating experience."

Assets

While auditing one of our departments, an assistant asked me what I was doing. "Listing your assets," I told her. "Oh," she said. "Well, I have a good sense of...

Arrangements Can Be Made

An employment website boasted that it provided training, counseling, and placement services. What's more, "many services are available in Spanish, and we arrange interrupters."

Payday

A friend had a waitressing position open at his diner and asked job seekers to fill out an application. Under "Salary Expected," a woman wrote "Friday."

An Honest Answer

A job interviewer asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I said, "Ideally, suspended with pay."

Job Hazards

I had an inauspicious start as a dog groomer when one of my first clients bit me. Noticing my pain, my boss voiced her concern. "Whatever you do," she said,...

Odd Job

Our daughter took the afternoon off from her job at the funeral home to visit her daughter in preschool. When one of the kids asked what she did for a...

Greener Pastures

Before leaving my assistant job for greener pastures, I was asked to reply to applicants hoping to replace me. "Very smart and intelligent," my boss had written on one of...

So When Do I Start?

How do you get human resources to remember you? Try pulling some of these actual interview stunts. Balding applicant abruptly excused himself and returned a few minutes later wearing a...

Conference Call

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During...

4 Creative Ways to Get Hired

How do you get hiring managers to hire you? Don’t pull these actual, creepily creative stunts: Applicant put up posters of himself in the company parking lot. Applicant announced his...

The Dog Ate My Alarm Clock

According to careerbuilder.com, a full 15 percent of workers admit to getting to the office late at least once a week. And here are some of their excuses: I have...

Help Wanting

Here’s a job to avoid: hiring manager. See what you’d have to contend with? The candidate answered his cell phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office because...

Evaluation

I input a junior manager’s self-evaluation, which said in part, "I have been on the job for three months, and I finally feel as if I’ve accomplished something." I made...

Resume Classics

What’s the finest example of fiction today? The résumé. Here are some classics sent to bemused hiring managers. Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born. Candidate...

Late for Work

Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. "What happened to you?" his boss asks. "I...

3 Resume Killers

Looking for a job? Try to avoid these résumé bombs, collected from bemused hiring managers: Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was "drinking time."...

Work Workout

After my daily jog to work, I found a colleague standing outside our building, puffing on a cigarette. Seeing that I was sweaty and out of breath, she became concerned....

On Friends and Countrymen

Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,”...

Crazy Stories for Skipping Work

We know you’d never do it, but some people concoct crazy stories for skipping work. Here are a few, collected by hiring managers: Employee didn’t want to lose his parking...

Long Detour

When I phoned my employee to find out why she hadn’t come to the office, I expected to hear a sob story about how sick she was, blah, blah, blah....

Giving Away Your Age

How not to become a member of senior management: During a meeting, our bosses held a contest to name a new project. As members of the management team read through...

Job Perks

"’That’s a great place to work!" shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. "I get two weeks’ paid vacation." "I’m so glad,"...

Post Holiday Blues

A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she"d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party. As a brand-new...

Not to be Used

The brave new memo about the company’s revised travel policy read as follows: We were no longer allowed to buy cheap tickets via the Internet. Instead, we were required to...

Closer Than Ever

One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she...

On Second Thought …

Who says companies only care about the bottom line? Ours is socially conscious and offers employees fun outdoor activities throughout the complex. Both of these admirable elements were driven home...

Language Barrier

Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well. So I tried to explain it...

Dirty Work

Although desperate to find work, I passed on a job I found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able...

Counting the Days

A fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days, hours and minutes. Our...

Schmooze or Lose

In Hong Kong on business, my friend Rocky was in a cab, and the driver pointed to some Asians on the sidewalk. "They are Americans," he said. "How can you...

Temperature Rising

Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my office at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix...

Change in Career

When my daughter was preparing for her school’s "career week," a time when career options are discussed and often led by representatives of different professions, we talked about my job...

Fire Training

When employees of the restaurant where I work attended a fire-safety seminar, we watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a...

Running Out of Water

A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet. "It’s all those years of standing," his doctor declared. "You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in...

Wrapping Your Own Gift

On the afternoon of Administrative Professionals Day, my co-worker and I finally found the time to get gifts for our secretaries. While at the store, my colleague noticed my disappointment...

Hard to Follow

One of my pet peeves as a musician in a symphony orchestra is trying to follow the erratic beat of famous guest conductors. I didn’t realize how strongly the rest...

New Promotion

My husband, Daniel, had been promoted to a newly created position. He was eager to find out what his official title was, so when his business cards finally arrived, I...

Obvious Facts

During the latter stages of my pregnancy, I brought a cushion to work to make my chair more comfortable. One afternoon I returned from lunch to find my chair had...

Traveling Tie

Overheard: "Yesterday I got my tie stuck in the fax machine. Next thing I knew, I was in Los Angeles."

 

 

Bad Music

I was delighted to discover that I could play compact discs in the new computer my company had given me. One morning I was enjoying one of my favorite Beethoven...

Broken Machine

Our copier was on the fritz so I put a note on it: "Service has been called." When the technician told me he had to order parts, I added a...

Clever Costume

Everyone at the company I worked for dressed up for Halloween. One fellow’s costume stumped us. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across...

Daily Changes

Anytime companies merge, employees worry about layoffs. When the company I work for was bought, I was no exception. My fears seemed justified when a photo of the newly merged...

Emergency Call

Our office building’s only elevator was acting up. When I rode it to the lobby on my way to lunch, the door refused to open. Trying not to panic, I...

Good Suggestion

Some of my co-workers and I decided to remove the small, wooden suggestion box from our office because it had received so few entries. We stuck the box on top...

Writing Back

A female attorney in a law office found a typewriter on her desk with this note: “We are short of secretarial help and need your assistance.” Recognizing that this was...

Giving Away Tickets

When I was a rookie police officer, I was flustered by citizens who got upset if I gave them a traffic ticket. They would accuse me of trying to complete...

People Lover

A friend and I used to run a small temporary-staffing service. Our agency did mandatory background checks on all job candidates, even though our application form asked them if they’d...

Surprised

In honor of my brother’s retirement from the police force, my sister-in-law decided to throw a surprise party for him. Plans made in secrecy over a two-month period included catering...

Crabby Department

The clinic where I work promoted a co-worker to head the payroll department, or Payment Management Systems. The title on his door now reads "PMS Director."

 

 

Fat Chance

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came in exhausted from a long day at work. "Did...

Rubbed the Wrong Way

I was halfway through a meeting with a photocopy salesman, when he suddenly mentioned his wife and children, and how contented he was. I was puzzled, but let him continue....

Uninvited Announcement

Each year our company holds a training session in the conference room of the same hotel. When we were told we would not be able to reserve our usual location,...

Answering Your Own Question

An acquaintance of mine was hired as a research assistant by the physics department of a West Coast university to investigate the thermodynamic properties of wood. Two weeks after starting...

Business Wardrobe

It was our new receptionist’s very first job, and it showed in the way she dressed—her revealing clothes screamed "college" more than "office." As diplomatically as he could, our boss...

Getting an Eyefull

When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls’ boardinghouse. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled...

Getting the Cold Shoulder

I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying...

Lisp

The boss placed a sign directly over the sink in the men’s room at work. It had a single word on it: "Think!" The next day when the boss went...

Locked Out

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that...

Math Calculation

Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work...

Misunderstood

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers...