Laugh out loud with these funny office jokes.
Work hard, play hard! Step outside your cubicle and share our funny office jokes and knock – knock office jokes that will make you everyone’s favorite coworker.
My deodorant was frozen to the windowsill.
My car door fell off.
I dreamed I was already at work.
I had an early-morning gig as a clown.
First editor: "They just sent in a correction on the obit."
Second editor: "Is she still dead?"
Editor to reporter writing political trend story: "We'd better move it today. It might not be true tomorrow."
City editor assuring a reporter:
"It might get you arrested, but it won't get you fired."
Metro editor, commenting on parade floats made out of newspapers:
"Can't do that with the Internet."
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My favorite came from her supervisor, who recalled one of the first arrest reports Mom had created.
Under "Offense," she'd typed, "Possession of cannibals."
"The candidate told the interviewer he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss."
"An applicant said she was a ‘people person,' not a ‘numbers person,' in her interview for an accounting position.
• "We're looking for the voice of God, but not a goofy God, a real God."
• "Sounds good-looking."
• (For a fast-food campaign) "This is not a bitter chicken, but he is having trouble coping with the modern world."
• "Female voice. American. Sultry, like drinking chocolate from the back of a moose."
"Actually," interrupted his assistant, "you left with the key to the stationery closet."
"Oh," she said. "Well, I have a good sense of humor and I make great lasagna."
"Whatever you do," she said, "don’t bleed on the white dogs."
Balding applicant abruptly excused himself and returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant asked to see the reviewer’s résumé to see if the personnel executive was qualified to interview him.
Applicant phoned his therapist during the interview for advice on answering specific questions.
During the interview, an alarm clock went off in the applicant’s briefcase. He apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
Applicant challenged the interviewer to arm-wrestle.
Applicant put up posters of himself in the company parking lot.
Applicant announced his candidacy with a singing telegram.
Applicant rented a billboard, which the hiring manager could see from his office, listing his qualifications.
Applicant delivered prepaid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with his name and phone number.
I have transient amnesia and couldn’t remember my job.
I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
Someone stole all my daffodils.
I had to go audition for American Idol.
I was trying to get my gun back from the police.
The candidate answered his cell phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office because it was a "private" conversation.
The candidate told the interviewer he wouldn't stay with the job long because he might get an inheritance if his uncle died—and the old man wasn't "looking too good."
The candidate said she couldn't provide a writing sample because all her writing had been for the CIA and it was "classified."
When the applicant was offered food, he declined, saying he didn't want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.
The candidate flushed the toilet while talking to the interviewer during a phone interview.
Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born.
Candidate claimed to be a member of the Kennedy family.
Job seeker claimed to be the CEO of a company, when he was an hourly employee.
Job seeker included samples of work, which were actually those of the interviewer.
"What happened to you?" his boss asks.
"I fell down two flights of stairs," Johnson answers.
"That took you a whole hour?"
Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was "drinking time."
Candidate explained an arrest by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."
Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, "I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."
Employee didn't want to lose his parking space in front of his house.
Employee said he had a heart attack that morning but that he was "all better now."
Employee's dog was stressed-out after family reunion.
Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party.
"When I was driving to work, I took a wrong turn," she explained. "And then I just decided to keep going."
During a meeting, our bosses held a contest to name a new project. As members of the management team read through the entries, our CEO picked one out and asked, "Who knows what a phoenix is?"
A junior manager answered, "It's a bird in Harry Potter."
"I'm so glad," said my mother.
"Yeah," added John. "I can't wait to find out where they send me."
As a brand-new employee, I didn't know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
I thought the typo in the last line of the memo summed it up best: "The new process is ineffective today."
Who says companies only care about the bottom line? Ours is socially conscious and offers employees fun outdoor activities throughout the complex.
Both of these admirable elements were driven home one day when a voice over the loudspeaker boomed "Everyone who signed up to donate blood, please report to the rifle range!"
Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well. So I tried to explain it as simply as possible:
"I can't get the computer to work."
"Ah, I see," he responded. "You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment."
Although desperate to find work, I passed on a job I found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able to swim."
A fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days, hours and minutes. Our chief was not amused.
"I've been on the job for 43 years, and I've never counted off the days until I'm outta here," he said.
I couldn't help agreeing with him. "That's because everyone else is counting for you."
In Hong Kong on business, my friend Rocky was in a cab, and the driver pointed to some Asians on the sidewalk. "They are Americans," he said.
"How can you tell?" asked Rocky.
Pointing to his gut, Rocky asked, "Well, what about me?"
Since insulted fares are the worst tippers, the driver responded, "You are not fat. You are prosperous."
Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my office at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix it. This was a one-man job, so I could not figure out why two guys showed up -- until I was handed the maintenance request form. It read "Head nurse is hot."
Later, an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
Our instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence, she pulled the pin—and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.
"How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the lifeguard.
"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight face.
The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, "Help yourself."
The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out. "Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you got here!"
"They won't wrap the gifts for us," I answered.
"No problem," he said quickly. "I'll ask my secretary to do it."
"Looks like someone's been sitting in my chair," I commented to one of my co-workers.
Glancing down at my stomach, she said, "Looks like someone's also been sleeping in your bed."
Hearing classical music filling the air, she stopped and exclaimed, "Poor you. They put you on hold?"
During the next five days, when we had to use an older, slower copier on the other side of the building, someone taped a third note to the machine: "Prayers have been said."
Our office building's only elevator was acting up. When I rode it to the lobby on my way to lunch, the door refused to open. Trying not to panic, I hit the emergency button, which triggers an automatic call to the repair service.
Through the speaker in the elevator, I heard the call going through and then a recorded announcement: "The area code of the number you dialed has been changed. The new area code is 810. Please hang up and dial again."
One day after a round of interviews, my co-worker was entering information from a young man's application into the computer. She called me over to show me that he had noted a previous conviction for second-degree manslaughter. Below that, on the line listing his skills, he had written, "Good with people."
At the party, my brother stood up to address his guests. As he looked around the room at everyone who had secretly gathered on his behalf, he shook his head and said, "After 25 years on the police force, I finally know why I never made detective."
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came in exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked.
"I won't be going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
"Great news, Scott!" she announced. "We're getting our regular room at the hotel!"
All eyes were on Gail and me as she suddenly realized she had interrupted a meeting with co-workers.
Three weeks later the head of the physics department called the research assistant into his office and said, "We have a request from an encyclopedia company. One of their customers has asked for a report on the thermodynamic properties of wood. Please prepare the report for them."
When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order. "Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."
The next day when the boss went to the men's room, he saw another sign had been placed immediately above the soap dispenser.
It read: "Thoap!"
"Is there another door I could use?"