The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man…
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
—Steven Wright, comedian
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in…
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Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.
Q. How do you know when the moon is broke?
A. When it’s down to its last quarter.
Q. Which is closer, Florida or the moon?
A. The moon. You can’t see Florida from here.
Q. Why is a moon rock tastier than an Earth rock?
A. It’s a little meteor.
My neighbor texted me, “I just made synonym buns!”
I texted back, “You mean like grammar use to make?”
I haven’t heard from her since.
A friend took her son to the doctor’s office after he sprained his finger. The nurse applied a splint, only to be told she’d put it on the wrong finger….
My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I…
Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with…
I stopped off at the supermarket to buy my son-in-law his favorite pie, sour cream raisin. The box had the $15 price stamped on the top, which I thought would…
Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
A: They just wash up on shore.
Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
A: An arm and a leg.
A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack…
Q: Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship?
A: The poop deck.
The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last nickel I had…
Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. “That’s us in ten years,” he says. His friend…
A college girl was visiting my farm and noticed the ring in our bull’s nose. Intrigued, she asked, “Did you put that ring in his nose or was he born…
After I paid for my items in an adorable Italian shop, the salesperson smiled and said “Grazie,” Italian for “thank you.” My Italian isn’t very good, but I knew that…
During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family. One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to…
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. “Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.” He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for…
On a fishing trip to a remote lake in Northern Quebec, I asked the outfitter, “Do you stay here during the winter?” “No,” he said. “The snow gets too deep….
When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish…
During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother’s hair as auburn. Impressed by his sophisticated…
After my kids bragged about what levels they’d attained in a video game, I decided to give it a try. Soon, it was my turn to boast that, in spite…
My mother and I suffered through an overlong, confusing movie at an art theater. Apparently we were not the only dissatisfied patrons. Walking back to our car afterward, we overheard…
On our commute to work, my husband stopped at a convenience store for coffee. As he got back into the car, I noticed something odd. “Turn your head and look…
Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It’s rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty!
How do you make a pirate furious?
Take away the p.
A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat. “Have you…
“Visit me for three days a week at $300 a visit, and you’ll be cured,” the psychiatrist assures him. The price tag is a little rich for the patient, so…
A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth…
I was in my patrol car by a blinking red light—the equivalent of a stop sign—when I watched an elderly man drive straight through without even slowing down. I quickly…
The new busboy was just 16, and because it was his first job, we were all impressed with how well he had done on his first day. Which is why…
As we drove into Traverse City, Michigan, we were greeted by a billboard advertising a restaurant in town. Its claim: “Steaks bigger than an 8th Street pothole.”
Apartment life often means little privacy. I realized that one day when my kitten was running around my bedroom, climbing onto shelves and into the dresser as I was getting…
My three-year-old grandson asked his mother whether his younger brother used to be in her stomach. “Yes,” she said. “How did he get there?” he asked. “I’ll tell you when…
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always…
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.” Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?” Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill…
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music
Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well?
A: Just a brief moment!
Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder.
“What did Mississippi let Delaware?” “I don’t know, but Alaska!
Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?
A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.
The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric…
Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.
A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out…
Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news. “Good news is you have 48 hours…
Q: Which dessert is perfect for eating in bed?
A: A sheet cake.
Why do cows never have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said,…
A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S”…
A blind guy goes to the Passover Seder and someone passes him a piece of matzah. He runs his fingers over it and loudly exclaims, “Who wrote this garbage!?!?”
I visited the Air and Space Museum…Nothing was there.
I used to work for an origami company until it folded.
My memory is getting so bad, I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any Acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.
A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!
Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An Investigator!
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A doctor told his patient, “There’s good news and bad news. The bad news is, you have partial short-term memory loss.” The patient said, “Oh no, Doctor. What’s the bad…
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because he was poultry in motion.
Q. How can you make God laugh?
A. Tell him your plans.
Have you played the updated kids’ game? I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.
“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.”
“Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”
My husband and I spent a rare day with our youngest grandson Malakai, as they live 350 miles away. We crafted, painted, and colored. I made his initials with glitter…
When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.
You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in…
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and…
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel went down to the local dance hall. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The…
I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill. It was the darkest day of my life.
You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy. Hard riddles want…