Daily Life Jokes

Newest Jokes

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.

Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

Source: thecooperreview.com

The Mystery Kitchen Utensil…

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at 
a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

Patty Brozo, Green Valley, Arizona

Making Amends With The IRS

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

For Mother’s Day: My Mom Taught Me …

Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”

Source: thestir.cafemom.com

No Such Thing As A Free Yacht

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.

Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee

One Reason To Buy A Painting

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.”

Betty Tenney, Sterling Heights, Michigan

My Sword of Employer

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Nice swords.”

Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

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