Doctor Jokes

Newest Jokes

My Daily Regimen

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.


Colonoscopy Small Talk

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular 
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are 
comments purportedly made by 
patients to physicians during their procedures.

“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”

Source: Dave Barry, in the Miami Herald

A Familiar Patient

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

Submitted by Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York

The Camper's Second Opinion

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.

“He says you’re gonna die.”

Doctor, Doctor

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

I’m on The Eraser Diet!

When I stepped on the scale at 
my doctor’s office, I was surprised 
to see that I weighed 144 pounds.

“Why don’t you just take off 
that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s 
aide as she made a notation on 
my chart.

A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.

“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”

Rachel Wagner, Bixby, Oklahoma

The One About The Fishermen and The Angel

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to 
his thick glasses and begs for 
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

A Poor Ex-Spleen Nation

A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around.

“What are you doing?” asked the professor.

The student answered, “I’m looking for the other one.”

—Alexandr Placar, Czech Republic

Smooth Operator

Scene: A call-center operator on the phone with a doctor.

Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their 
lawyers that you are responsible 
for my patients’ deaths because 
I couldn’t be reached.

Operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician.


A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”

“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”

Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

The Cruelest Cut

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”

“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”

Unusual Changes

When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician.

“Has your address changed?” she asked.

“No,” I answered.

“Your phone number?”


“What about your birthday?”

What's in a Name?

Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.

"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."

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