Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Businessman Stanley Randall
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
@bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag; is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.”
From Rolling Stone
There’s no “I” in denial.
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Comedian Rich Hall
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), on Downton Abbey
Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson (@kolchak)
• I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”? —Ricky Gervais
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• Old McDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O. —Billy Connolly
• And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was. —@andrewhibbard
• My wife said she wanted a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Comedian Paul Rodriguez
My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news.
“[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan
“He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”
When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.
A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
If you can’t beat them, arrange
to have them beaten.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
The late comedian Mitch Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”
I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
B. J. Novak, who says he was hired as a writer for The Office on the strength of the joke above.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say, “On the one hand … on the other.”
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.
One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
“There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.” —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables
Parks and Recreation
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
I don’t want to say we eat out a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
—Comedian Mike Birbiglia
How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back:
•“If he had been making shell
casings during the war, it might
have made for better music.”
Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel
•“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.”
Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner
•“I liked the opera very much.
Everything but the music.”
Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky
What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck?
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot.
Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians.
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer. That’s the food we eat before we have our food … No, no, you’re thinking of dessert. That’s food we eat after we have our food.”
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands.
There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.
I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life.
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”
“One can play at this game …” —me to my computer solitaire.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.
Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan of the expression “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.”
“I’ve watched The Deadliest Catch on Discovery,” he said. “I’ve never once been at work, capsized in 40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die, and been like, ‘Hey, at least we’re fishin’.’”
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
—Comedian John McDowell
“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.”
If men have a smell, it’s usually an accident.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself.
I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Equations are the devil’s sentences.
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn’t like that.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
— Louis C.K.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.
The doctor says to the patient, “Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window.”
“What will that do?” asks the patient.
The doctor says, “I’m mad at my neighbor!”
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.
You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh, about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around three miles.”
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn’t met me yet.
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
I gave my cat a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that …
I don’t get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, “Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?”
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can’t remember what the third thing is.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.”
She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
According to most studies, people’s No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it’s real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you’re like, “Damn, I could have had a car.”
You don’t pay taxes—they take taxes.
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
When people go through something rough in life, they say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” Yes, so is everybody. Because that’s how time works.
When in doubt, look intelligent.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.
The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I’m reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: Did you guys know about the Donner Party and how messed up that was? Text me back so we can talk about it!
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.
Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie.
Something very sad about the fact that I haven’t read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, “Who’s responsible for this?”
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. And it don’t make no difference to me. I’ll make another one look just like you.”
Maybe fear is God’s way of saying, “Pay attention, this could be fun.”
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!!
I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can’t get it out. You can’t. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can’t get it out.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”
Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.”
“I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party'””
“The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.”
“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.”
“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”
— Josh Billings
“Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into.”
— Henry Ward Beecher
“Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes.”
— Clare Ansberry
“The earth laughs in flowers.”
— e e cummings
“At my age flowers scare me.”
— George Burns
“If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.”
— Doug Larsen
“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”
— H. L Mencken