My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there for?”
Joanne Korman, Bedford, Nova Scotia
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
Submitted by S. K., via Internet
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
Sharon McGinley, Talbott, Tennessee
“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin.
“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”
“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.
—Eyesha Sadiq, Woodland, California
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
—Leslie McRobie, Lee, New Hampshire
A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”
“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”
—Source: Funny in Spain Survey
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
She’s only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, “You know what kills me … ?”
Smiling, Mark teased, “Apparently nothing.”
While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.
"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.
My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."
The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."
Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law.
"I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."
When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the ’90s version of a purity ring.
At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower.
“This thing is great,” he bragged to my brother. “It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!”
"Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said. "Now take off your arm.&… Read More
At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"
I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries." &… Read More
An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."
I’ve always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.
In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked. "Real good," he said. "I got an SUV." "Nice." "Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra… Read More
An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord … Read More
My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn’t seen in years. How long exactly? One of them shouted, "Kathy, you got your braces off!"
Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I’m so mad, I’m taking you off my pallbearer list!"
My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. "Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were … Read More
Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn’t to be. "Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give … Read More
For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I’d love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished … Read More
I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail."
My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he’d drunk more than usual the day before. "What’s more than usual?" I asked. "A case." "You can drink a case in a day?!" "Well," he … Read More
I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.
My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. After removing the picture from the frame, I turned it over, hoping to find a date. I didn’t. Instead, my … Read More
"How was your blind date?" "Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce." "What’s so terrible about that?" "He was the original owner."
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven’t changed in 20 years." "Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn’t look like this 20 years ago."
The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How’d you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock."
John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet … Read More
I’m bald–well, balding. I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. And I don’t like to say I’m losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn’t have happened. "Where… Read More
After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player. Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her… Read More
A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced, "That was great! I don’t feel a day over 100!"
Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?" "I’d have to say the moonwalk," I replied… Read More
One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?" "You should never ask an adult’s age," I broke in. "That’s okay," Harriett said smiling. "I’m fifty.""Wow, … Read More
After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her … Read More
I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who’s three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye.Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers… Read More
Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-… Read More
The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. He said he didn’t know. "Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a… Read More
An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. After completing the tour, I stopped at the reception desk to ask a question. There, a … Read More
To my friend’s astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. "Why, Grandfather," my … Read More
An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to … Read More
When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her… Read More
One day at the office of the orthopedic specialist I work for, we had to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a special injection. We said we would phone him with the information.Two days later, the patient… Read More
Just before Easter I remarked to my husband that, with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn’t dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt.
“That’s all right, honey,” he said. “We can just hide each other’s … Read More
Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in. Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains … Read More
For years my sister’s husband tried unsuccessfully to persuade her to get a hearing aid. "How much do they cost?" she asked one day after he had pitched the idea to her again. "They’re usually about $3,000," he said.&… Read More
My 60-year-old mother-in-law, completing two years of wearing orthodontic braces, was in the office having them adjusted. As she sat in one of the waiting- room chairs, the teenager next to her looked at my mother-in-law in astonishment. &… Read More
My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where she could change and told an instructor would soon be with her.Having… Read More
Rock concerts are a little different now than when I was younger. Recently, I went to a concert with some friends. As the band started to play a ballad, we instinctively raised our cigarette lighters, like all good rock fans I grew up with… Read More
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son’s a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.The boy continued staring as he carried our … Read More
I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my … Read More
Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife’s 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never … Read More
I was turning 40 and decided to celebrate by fulfilling my longtime dream to go sky-diving. Before the jump, my mother and I spent the day at a festival, where we bumped into two of my cousins. They inquired about my upcoming birthday, and … Read More
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class."Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said."… Read More
I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my … Read More
My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old’s shoes. That’s when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband’s head.He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole … Read More
Jim, my 40-something husband, was playing basketball with friends his age. "Pretty soon," said one of his teammates, "we’ll have to count it as a basket if the ball just hits the rim.""Yeah," Jim agreed. "… Read More
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Having fought the battle of the bulge most of my life, I found the battle getting even harder as I approached middle age. One evening, after trying on slacks that were too tight, I said to my husband, "I’ll be so glad when we become … Read More
To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss, who is battling middle-age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the inscription "18 Again." The wind was let out of his sails, … Read More
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we’re both 90 years old," he told the maitre d’. "We may not have 45 … Read More
I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston’s Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age."… Read More
My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’… Read More
My grandfather has a knack for looking on the bright side of life. Even after receiving the terrible diagnosis that he had Alzheimer’s, he was philosophical. "There’s one good thing that’ll come from this," he told my father. &… Read More
Fans of ’60s music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. When they returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back and saw hundreds of little lights … Read More
I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera and handed me a laminated card … Read More
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see they were of a younger, slimmer me taken on one of my first dates with my husband. When I showed him the … Read More
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s office that she was exempt because of her age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms… Read More
Now that I’m over 40, younger teammates have begun to tease me about my declining abilities as a softball player. During one game, I was playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head. I leapt as high as I could, but the ball … Read More
Our dear friend Trudy attended my husband’s birthday party. Though she’s been through a lot—including a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery—Trudy was the life of the party as usual. Hugging her good-bye, I couldn’t help… Read More
For my grandmother’s 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented."It’s my passport picture," she revealed… Read More
My 20th high-school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school’s tenth-year reunion was taking place. While my friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered.After their stares became… Read More
My brother and his wife started their family in their early 40s. One day my sister-in-law and I were commiserating about the effects of time marching on. "I just got my first pair of glasses," she said, and paused as her two … Read More
I was having lunch with several thirty-something friends when talk turned to the dismal prospect of our growing older."Well, judging by my mother," I said, "at least my hearing will improve. My mother can hear my biological … Read More
The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.Concerned with how I … Read More
My husband and I, married 13 years, were dressing for a party. I’d spent all day getting a haircut and permanent, then as we were leaving, we met in the hall and he said nothing. I complained that he had not even noticed my hair. "You … Read More
After working for months to get in shape, my 42-year-old husband and I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. At the end of two grueling days, we made it back to the canyon’s rim. To celebrate, we each bought an "I hiked the canyon&… Read More
A few years ago, I opened the invitation to my cousin’s 100th birthday party. On the front—in bold letters—it screamed, "If he’s heard it once, he’s heard it a hundred times. Happy Birthday, Sam!"
When a woman I know turned 99 years old, I went to her birthday party and took some photos. A few days later, I brought the whole batch of prints to her so she could choose her favorite. "Good Lord," she said as she was flipping … Read More
One of the English classes I taught at Deltona high school in Florida consisted of a particularly well-motivated group of juniors. Students felt free to ask questions on any subject that concerned them.One afternoon a girl raised her hand … Read More
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now… Read More
I had laryngitis and finally decided to go to the doctor. After the nurse called for me, she asked my age. "Forty-nine," I whispered."Don’t worry," she whispered back. "I won’t tell anyone."
During the last days of my mother’s life, we discussed many things. One day I raised the topic of her funeral and memorial service. "Oh, honey," she responded, "I really don’t care about the details." Later she woke from… Read More
After a shopping expedition, my friend Gina and I stopped in a local bar for a drink. We hadn’t been seated long when she leaned over and said that four young men at the next table were watching us. Since we’re both thirty-something, … Read More
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda… Read More
We invited some old friends to help celebrate my 40th birthday. My husband went out to buy a gift, and he saw some cute little music boxes. A blue one was playing "Happy Birthday to You." Thinking they were all the same, he picked… Read More
My hearing had gotten worse, and ultimately I was faced with a decision: buy a pontoon boat, which I could enjoy all summer, or get a hearing aid. The choice was obvious—to me at least. However, my sisters did not approve of the boat.… Read More
While my friend Emily was visiting her mother, they went for a walk and bumped into an old family acquaintance. "Is this your daughter?" the woman asked. "Oh, I remember her when she was this high. How old is she now?" … Read More