What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box
of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of
Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should’ve been more specific.
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Being president is like
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.